My 47,000-word Upper Middle Grade contemporary novel OF MADNESS AND FOLLY is a coming-of-age novel and will appeal to fans of James Patterson’s MIDDLE SCHOOL, THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE and Carolyn Mackler’s LOVE AND OTHER FOUR-LETTER WORDS.
Twelve-year-old Peter McGinn thinks he ruined his parents’ marriage. When a harmless prank goes horribly wrong, he’s forced to deal with their crumbling relationship.
In order to save his family, Peter needs to form a plan, which happens to be his specialty. He thinks. A short story contest gives him a chance at redemption. If he can win the grand prize and pay off his dad’s gambling debts, it might be enough to keep his parents together.
As life at home decays, Peter has to face his arch nemesis, trick his dream girl into believing he’s cool, stay out of the hospital, deliver a stinky package, dodge incoming tetherballs, build a snowman on train tracks, outrun Harold the pervert pug, pretend he can dance, throw a right hook, and worst of all, apologize. If not, his juggling act could collapse and leave him with a broken home and no friends to tell about it.
I received my BA in English Writing and am an active member of the SCBWI. I pasted the first 250 words below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
S.L.
OF MADNESS AND FOLLY
Before the woods and the blood and the police chase, we had a plan. Sort of.
The thing about plans is, well, they never turn out the way we plan. One surprise, one twist, one turn, and a plan becomes a pickle. Now, a pickle is a different matter. I don’t like pickles--the food or the conundrum. They’re slimy, sour, and they appear without warning, like on a cheeseburger or in a mystery.
Or the night before Halloween, when my friends and I felt like decorating the neighborhood, “to make it more festive.”
Our target: The Oakwood Mansion (the biggest house in Wisconsin, and maybe the world).
“I think we have over two hundred rolls. Let’s let these rich peacocks know we don’t want them in our neighborhood anymore.” Milton Hansen, my friend who turned unimportant pranks into D-day, closed the minivan’s trunk and hopped into the passenger seat. My older brother Jamie pulled away from the Mini Mart and began the two-minute journey to the Oakwood Mansion.
“Why don’t we want them in our neighborhood?” I asked, poking my head between the front seats.
“Because the dufus that lives there yelled at me last week when he thought I ran over his geraniums with my bike,” Milton said.
“Did you?”
“If they don’t want me running over their precious geraniums, maybe they shouldn’t plant flowers next to the road where I practice wheelies.”
We parked in the neighborhood behind the mansion to avoid suspicion and unloaded the minivan.
6 comments:
Dear Agent,
My 47,000-word Upper Middle Grade contemporary novel OF MADNESS AND FOLLY is a coming-of-age novel and will appeal to fans of James Patterson’s MIDDLE SCHOOL, THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE and Carolyn Mackler’s LOVE AND OTHER FOUR-LETTER WORDS.
<--I'd cut the struck out portion since it gets rid of extra words and a repeat of "novel."
Twelve-year-old Peter McGinn thinks he ruined his parents’ marriage. When a harmless prank goes horribly wrong, he’s forced to deal with their crumbling relationship.
In order to save his family, Peter needs to form a plan, which happens to be his specialty. He thinks. A short story contest gives him a chance at redemption. If he can win the grand prize and pay off his dad’s gambling debts, it might be enough to keep his parents together.
<-- Peter does a lot of thinking in these two paragraphs. Is there a way to focus on his actions instead? Something like:
When a harmless prank goes horribly wrong, twelve-year-old Peter McGinn ruins his parents’ marriage. In order to save their crumbling relationship, he attempts to pay off his dad's gambling debts by entering a short story competition with a $XX,XXX grand prize. Now, all he needs is something to write about.
As life at home decays, Peter has to face his arch nemesis, trick his dream girl into believing he’s cool, stay out of the hospital, deliver a stinky package, dodge incoming tetherballs, build a snowman on train tracks, outrun Harold the pervert pug, pretend he can dance, throw a right hook, and worst of all, apologize. If not, his juggling act could collapse and leave him with a broken home and no friends to tell about it.
<-- One pf my earlier queries had a similar long list. People pointed out that it might be better to focus on the most important/humorous (depending on the tone of the query) elements and trim the rest. You might consider doing that with this paragraph so you can focus on the most important elements of the story.
I would suggest focusing on the elements that help Peter come up with his short story since that seems to be a big focus of the first paragraph.
I received my BA in English Writing and am an active member of the SCBWI. I pasted the first 250 words below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
<-- Looks good.
OF MADNESS AND FOLLY
Before the woods, and the blood and the police chase, we had a plan. Sort of.
<--Nice opening line, although you might cut the first "and."
The thing about plans is, well, they never turn out the way we plan. One surprise, one twist, one turn, and a plan becomes a pickle. Now, a pickle is a different matter. I don’t like pickles--the food or the conundrum. They’re slimy, sour, and they appear without warning, like on a cheeseburger or in a mystery.
<-- One thing I noticed right off the bat is repetition. This is something that can work in small doses… very occasionally and purposefully, but most times repetition dilutes the power of the repeated words. In this paragraph you repeat plan and pickle 3 times. I'd suggest rewording things so you get rid of most of that redundancy. For example:
The thing about plans is, they never turn out the way we imagine. One surprise, one twist, one turn, and a plot turns into a pickle. I don’t like pickles--the food or the conundrum. They’re slimy, sour, and appear without warning, like on a cheeseburger or in a mystery.
One thing I like: the stream of conscious dovetail from plan to pickle to sour. It's well done.
Or the night before Halloween, when my friends and I felt like decorating the neighborhood, “to make it more festive.”
<--A little confused, is this the event referred to in the first line? Or is this another aside? Also, is this a flashback? A lot of questions are brought up by this line… at least for me. Is there a way you could make this clearer via transition?
Our target: The Oakwood Mansion (the biggest house in Wisconsin, and maybe the world).
“I think we have over two hundred rolls. Let’s let these rich peacocks know we don’t want them in our neighborhood anymore.” Milton Hansen, my friend who turned unimportant pranks into D-day, closed the minivan’s trunk and hopped into the passenger seat. My older brother Jamie pulled away from the Mini Mart and began the two-minute journey to the Oakwood Mansion.
<-- I think you should move the action before the dialogue for clarity, otherwise the reader might think Peter is talking. Like this:
Milton Hansen, my friend who turned unimportant pranks into D-day, closed the minivan’s trunk and hopped into the passenger seat. "We have over two hundred rolls. Let’s let these rich peacocks know we don’t want them in our neighborhood anymore.”
One thing I wondered about was how the boys got 200+ rolls and whey Jamie would be giving them a ride. How old is Jamie? Old enough to drive, but why drive his brother and friend to a tee-peeing?
“Why don’t we want them in our neighborhood?” I asked, pokeding my head between the front seats.
<-- Again, I'd go with action before dialogue. Also I'd just go with an action instead of the tag. You don't need both:
I poked my head between the front seats. “Why don’t we want them in our neighborhood?”
“Because the dufus that lives there yelled at me last week when he thought I ran over his geraniums with my bike,” Milton said.
“Did you?”
“If they don’t want me running over their precious geraniums, maybe they shouldn’t plant flowers next to the road where I practice wheelies.”
<--Good dialogue. I liked it a lot ;)
We parked in the neighborhood behind the mansion to avoid suspicion and unloaded the minivan.
<--Nice way to end the first page.
Overall, I enjoyed your first page, it promises plans gone sour and pickles for Peter. All you need to do is polish off the rough edges and you'll have a real winner of a story. ;)
Oops looks like my strike-throughs didn't translate. Doh! If there are certain parts that are confusing it's b/c of that. Just compare the original to what is written and you'll see the edits I made.
I really like your premise and your writing style. You do a great job with voice so we connect with the characters. For the query, I'd put the title and word count on the bottom and just jump into the meat of it. I agree with Joseph that you might not want to list so many things in the query (even though it's very funny). Focus on the most important parts. Overall, great job! I'd definitely want to read more.
This sounds like just the sort of middle grade I love. Some people might call this story quiet, but there is nothing quiet about a well-written contemporary with great characters and tons of heart.
I haven't read any of these entries closely, but I did have a few thoughts as I was formatting yours. First, the title makes it sound like a YA fantasy, so you might consider changing it to something that's more category- and genre-appropriate. You could browse recent middle grade releases over at Goodreads or your favorite bookstore for inspiration.
Also, I didn't think the list of plot points in the fourth paragraph was as effective as you intended. It's the difference between scattering a bunch of puzzle pieces on the floor and putting them together to make an interesting, cohesive whole. Queries are for showcasing how the pieces fit together, so I wouldn't leave that to the reader's imagination. How does the story develop (or in other words, how does one plot point relate to the ones before and after it)? You don't have to summarize the whole plot, of course, but it would be nice to get a clearer sense of what you do summarize.
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Query:
In the first paragraph of your synopsis I find the need for more information. How could a prank ruin a marriage? Since you clarify later on that there are other reasons for the crumbling marriage, this is the opportunity to introduce us to the way Peter thinks. Explaining how he thinks his prank ruins the marriage is a perfect opportunity for that.
In the second paragraph, I would delete the sentence “He thinks.” It’s implied in your other sentences and every word counts!
Also, I’m not sure how the writing contest and all the other obstacles mentioned in the query letter are connected. Is the writing contest the driving plot of the book or are all the other obstacles? If you tie the writing contest into the other listed obstacles, it will feel more cohesive.
I’m not sure that OF MADNESS AND FOLLY is a good title for a MG book. Absolutely, this is something that can (and probably will) be changed throughout the publication process, I want to help you lead with the strongest query possible. This title is too dark for the MG audience. Even if you’re shooting for the readers at the top of the age bracket, I recommend changing to something lighter.
Pages:
I’m afraid that the group of character introduced here don’t strike me as very likeable. I understand wanting to being the story with action, but that personal connection is also important.
Thank you for the opportunity to read your work.
--Agent
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