Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for Compulsion and Chaos,
a 95,000 word YA fantasy set in a desert world with elements of Persian
mythology.
Blighted babies should be given to the desert. To do
otherwise is to invite the wrath of the gods.
Because of Meron’s blighted ear, she’s been ostracized by
her tribe: blamed for every lost camel and sick child, and betrothed to an old
man who already has two wives. And he only agreed to marry her because he owes
her father a favor.
On the night of her wedding ceremony, raiders attack,
slaughtering Meron’s tribe and leaving her alone in the middle of the desert,
still wearing her wedding clothes. Her survival depends on crossing a land
riddled with dangers: giant crabs that suck their victims dry, and immortal
beings she thought were myths. When she’s captured by djinn--shapeshifting
monsters that prey on humans--Meron is given a choice: die with the other
captives or discover who’s been enslaving the djinn and why. If she succeeds,
she and the other captives will be freed. If she fails, they’ll be dinner.
As the trail leads her closer to the dark kingdom next
door and the beasts that guard it, Meron learns why the djinn selected her
for this task and she discovers a secret that could propel her to the upper
echelons of society, blighted or not.
This is my first novel. I hope it will appeal to fans of
Rae Carson’s Girl of Fire and Thorns and Tamora Pierce’s Tortall series.
As requested, the first 250 words are included below.
Sincerely,
T.J.C.
COMPULSION AND CHAOS
Meron had noticed the split seam months ago. It was the
perfect location for spying: the inner corner of an auxiliary tent, usually
reserved for food and the servants who delivered it. She pulled two more
stitches out of the leather panels, widening the hole so she could watch her
husband. He whirled and stamped to the beat of the bendir, breaking away from
the woman, then clutching her again possessively before the line of dancers
moved.
The woman was twenty years older than Meron, at least,
though she carried her age lightly. She was dressed in a bright red kaftan with
a gold sash, a perfect complement for the gold cloth and red embroidery that
Meron’s husband wore. Red and gold, gold and red, circling each other, moving
apart, coming together again. The woman moved confidently, smiling up at
Meron’s husband when he touched her.
This must be his first wife. The second wife and her two
daughters, who were Meron’s age, watched from the sidelines. Meron had met them
once before, when her husband had come to negotiate the marriage price: fifty
camels, half loaded with spices and half with iron, ready to be sold as soon as
her father reached the coast. It was a hefty price to pay for a second
daughter, especially one who’d been blighted by the gods.
10 comments:
Wow, I think your premise sounds awesome! I would cut "Blighted babies should be given to the desert. To do otherwise is to invite the wrath of the gods" from your query or just incorporate it into the query somehow -- I wasn't sure why it was in italics.
I liked your first 250 words, they were very descriptive. I would keep reading. One tweaky suggestion -- I would re-write the first line of the second paragraph ("The woman was at least twenty years older than Meron, though she carried her age lightly.") The "at least" in the middle of the sentence threw me.
I love this concept--definitely something I would read! The 250 didn't grab me as much, though they were well-written, because Meron comes across as a little passive. I know what's going on, but I don't knowing about Meron or her thoughts on the marriage.
Dear Agent,
I’m seeking representation for Compulsion and Chaos, a 95,000 word YA fantasy set in a desert world with elements of Persian mythology.
<--Good idea to add in the Persian mythology since that isn't a mythos that gets a lot of attention and would certainly make me interested.
Blighted babies should be given to the desert. To do otherwise is to invite the wrath of the gods.
<--I'm okay with keeping this separate b/c it's like an excerpt from a "law", but I can see a reason to incorporate this into the query without the italics.
Because of Meron’s blighted ear, she’s been ostracized by her tribe: blamed for every lost camel and sick child, and betrothed to an old man who already has two wives. And he only agreed to marry her because he owes her father a favor.
<--So, I take it there is a very good reason why 1) Maron hasn't been given to the desert and 2) the tribe has allowed her to live in spite of their belief that she's an open invitation for the gods' wrath. Making the reason clear might help. Is her mother/father powerful and therefore able to protect her?
On the night of her wedding ceremony, raiders attack, slaughtering Meron’s tribe and leaving her alone in the middle of the desert, still wearing her wedding clothes. Her survival depends on crossing a land riddled with dangers: giant crabs that suck their victims dry, and immortal beings she thought were myths. When she’s captured by djinn--shapeshifting monsters that prey on humans--Meron is given a choice: die with the other captives or discover who’s been enslaving the djinn and why. If she succeeds, she and the other captives will be freed. If she fails, they’ll be dinner.
<--Interesting, I like everything up to the point where the djinn decide that Meron is given a choice. Why her? Why not any of the other captive? What makes her so special? I just need that little bit more info to buy the premise.
As the trail leads her closer to the dark kingdom next door and the beasts that guard it, Meron learns why the djinn selected her for this task and she discovers a secret that could propel her to the upper echelons of society, blighted or not.
<--Ah, so you want to keep the secret to entice the agent to read on… I can understand that. Some people like a little mystery to their queries, others like clarity. I'd be tempted to put in why the djinn choose her in this paragraph, but I can respect not doing it, too.
This is my first novel. I hope it will appeal to fans of Rae Carson’s Girl of Fire and Thorns and Tamora Pierce’s Tortall series. As requested, the first 250 words are included below.
<--Nice comparison paragraph. Good job, although I'd change the beginning of the first sentence to:
Compulsion and Chaos will appeal to fans…
COMPULSION AND CHAOS
Things in <> are words I think you could cut.
Things I added are in ().
Meron noticed the split seam months ago. (A) perfect location for spying: the inner corner of an auxiliary tent, usually reserved for food and the servants . She pulled two stitches out of the leather panels, widening the hole so she could watch her husband. He whirled and stamped to the beat of the bendir, breaking away from the woman, then clutching her again possessively before the line of dancers moved.
<--I like how you set up the spying scene. Very well done. I make a few suggestions on things you could cut to make the scene more pactive instead of passive, pretty minor stuff.
The woman was twenty years older than Meron, though she carried her age lightly. a bright red kaftan with a gold sash <, a perfect> complement(ed) the gold cloth and red embroidery Meron’s husband wore. Red and gold, gold and red, circled each other, moved apart, (came) together again. The woman (swayed her hips and smiled) at Meron’s husband when he touched her.
<-- You'll probably notice a theme to most of my edits… they are focused on bringing the verbs to the fore of the story and getting rid of passive voice. All the elements for excellent writing are there, you just have to look for ways to bring them out. A couple tricks I've learned are:
1) was/had are words you should try to replace whenever possible. It might take some rewriting of a sentence, but replacing them with stronger verbs almost always leads to better descriptions.
2) –ing words can often be replaced with full-fledged verbs and doing so makes for more evocative sentences.
3) That's can usually be cut.
4) verb + -ly word often means you can find a better full-fledged verb to replace both.
That said, I like your descriptions. You are definitely painting a picture with your words.
(She) must be his first wife. The second (one) and her two daughters, (both) Meron’s age, watched from the sidelines. Meron met them once before, when her husband (came) to negotiate the marriage price: fifty camels, half loaded with spices and half with iron, ready to be sold as soon as her father reached the coast. a hefty price to pay for a second daughter, especially one who’d been blighted by the gods.
<--Nice way to end the first page. Good page turn.
Again, my edits were mainly to make the voice more active. Like I said above, you have all you need in these sentences, you just have to weed out the passive voice. Once you do that, the story will read even more engagingly.
Hope these comments help and if you have any questions, let me know.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
I love that you are using Persian Mythology as a basis for the story. It's unusual, yet lends itself well for a fantasy tale. And kids will learn some Persian culture.
Your comparisons. To other authors is great. Overall your query works, but I agree with Ru you can ditch the italicized second line.
The sample, however, is confusing. I'm not sure where Meron is, and why. But you're a good enough writer you will work out the details.
Your query is very well written. You nailed all the important elements, and intrigued me. My only qualm is the overuse of the word "blight." You use it twice but never explain exactly what it means. Tell us what exactly is wrong with Meron.
I really like the voice and writing in the excerpt. You have a natural gift for storytelling. My only concern there is Meron comes off passive. Can you tweak the opening so she's doing something rather than sitting by observing? It'd make the first page stronger.
I think this is a very compelling query, and I'm hooked in when you say that there are elements of Persian mythology. I love hearing about mythology that isn't from Western culture.
Cut out "Blighted babies should be given to the desert. To do otherwise is to invite the wrath of the gods."
You show what's at stake with Meron, which is very good, and I instantly sympathize with her.
I enjoy the first 250 words. Perhaps you could immerse readers further into the world by including more than just sights: Feelings, scents, sounds, etc. And maybe specify what kind of "food" the servants deliver.
Good luck!
Hi Everyone - Thanks for the great advice. I've already learned so much!
I've revised the synopsis portion of the query and was hoping to get some more feedback on it. Thanks in advance for your help!
------------
Blighted babies should be given to the desert. To do otherwise is to invite the wrath of the gods. So when Meron’s father refuses to kill her because she was born without an ear, the rest of the tribe knows she’s a curse. Blamed for everything from lost camels to sick children, Meron spends the next eighteen years set apart from the tribe, and not in a good way. But her father won’t be around to protect her forever, and her only chance at avoiding the tribe’s recriminations is to marry and produce healthy children.
On the night of her wedding ceremony, raiders attack, slaughtering Meron’s tribe and leaving her alone in the middle of the desert, still wearing her wedding clothes. Her survival depends on crossing a land riddled with dangers: giant crabs that suck their victims dry, and immortal beings she thought were myths. When she’s captured by djinn – shapeshifting monsters that prey on humans – Meron is given a shot at earning her freedom…if she can discover who’s been abducting djinn and why. If she succeeds, she’ll be released. If she fails, she’ll be dinner.
Bound by a compulsion spell, Meron follows the trail closer to the dark kingdom next door, where she realizes the djinn aren’t just being stolen. They’re being enslaved: magically compelled to smuggle children across dangerous terrain. To find out why, she’ll have to come face-to-face with the beasts that guard the border and match wits with the man who’s masterminding the entire scheme. In the process, she discovers a secret that could propel her to the upper echelons of society, blighted or not.
Query:
This premise makes me very excited. Fantasy that draws from other cultures is always a win for me, personally.
The italicized line, though integral to Meron’s personal destiny feels a bit out of place. Especially because it’s in italics. Could you incorporate the information into the next paragraph?
I would love to know how Meron escapes from the raid on her village. I would imagine that a bride would be the easiest target to hit in an attack. She and her husband are the center of the celebration. Do the raiders leave her alone because she’s blighted? Or does she hide somehow?
Does Meron negotiate the release of all the captives if she succeeds? If she does, this says a lot about her determination. I suggest including that if it’s in your manuscript.
Great comps. I always appreciate when an author knows where their book fits in the market. Comps like this help me know what tone to expect from your book.
Pages:
The sample is great. The lush description and interesting characterization was immediately interesting.
A really minor point here; would you clarify that he is her betrothed husband? Calling him her husband in the first paragraph is a little confusing even though I just read your query. I thought maybe we had jumped forward in time from the query.
I really don't have anything to add that hasn't been already said, I agree that Meron seems a bit passive in your 250. But, as for your query, your premise sounds great and your comp titles are some of my favorite novels so I'd definitely read more just for that.
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