Wednesday, August 20, 2014

An Agent's Inbox #23

Dear Agent,

I have been working on my YA fantasy novel, Favored, since 2007. I’m submitting to “An Agent’s Inbox” because after several intense rounds with my critique partners and beta readers, we believe it is ready for fine-tuning. Your guidance would give me the feedback I need to make it shine.

Favored is the story of sixteen-year-old Lucy Howland, an Empath whose half-baked plans to fight poverty through stealing are thwarted by the secretive Brittany Kennedy, who’s after her for a power Lucy doesn’t even have.

Lucy’s plan to balance the inequalities that surround her takes off when she discovers a remarkable new power she can mold to her will. She wields it to break into the houses of the ignorant-wealthy people in small-town Victoria Falls, but it’s not enough. When Lucy meets a mysterious pair of twenty-somethings--Brittany and Jesse--intuition tells her to stay away but she refuses to listen. Instead, she obsesses over them, sure they’re hiding something.

Jesse and Brittany have a scheme of their own. With Jesse’s help, Brittany whisks Lucy off to a remote cabin, where Brittany will steal Lucy’s power and Jesse will erase her memory when they’re done. After Lucy escapes, Jesse reveals he’s working undercover for the supernatural police agency, Morality. He delivers Lucy to his uncle, Mason, who returns her to safety. Her relief at being home is short-lived, however, as mysteries unravel to offer truths involving family, her powers, a mission of her own, and the possibility of love with her sister’s lifelong crush.

As evidenced by the success of novels like Fire and Divergent, YA readers enjoy stories about characters overcoming challenges and finding a stronger version of themselves in the process. They will cheer and cry along with Lucy, and Lucy’s desire to leave the world a better place than she found it will resonate with YA readers of all ages.

Favored, set in upstate New York, is a completed manuscript at 59,000 words. The story is reminiscent of Little Women with a pinch of X-men. 

I’m a board member for the Maryland Writers’ Association and have used that experience to build my network and enrich my knowledge of writing, publishing, marketing, and platform building. I have strong ties to the DC area YA community, including a teen writing program I run in a local library. With the assistance of the vibrant writing community here, I will promote my novel at events for teen readers and through the network of published authors.

As stated in the “An Agent’s Inbox” guidelines, I have included the 250 words. Thank you for considering Favored.

My best,
C.N.


FAVORED

­If Lucy Howland had sensed the change a simple conversation would unleash on her life, she might have stayed home on that hot summer day. Then again, she might not have.

Every Tuesday during the break from school, Lucy and her friend Holden Davis met at the same place. Today, Lucy swallowed the heavy air more than breathed it. It had been that way lately, typical for upstate New York in August.

In two weeks their junior year would begin. Many of their friends fixated--online and in person--on their mixed emotions. But Lucy’s attention had been busy elsewhere, numbing her to the approaching school year, even knowing it was her sister Molly’s senior year.

As she sat perspiring on the cracked blue park bench, staring out over Maple Pond, she tried to wrap herself in Holden’s brightness.

This had become their place since they first cut class together two years before. They found a walking path through the dense woods around their high school. Thick pine trees provided cover no matter the season.

No birds called or crickets chirped. The creatures saved their music for the more bearable, darker hours of dawn and dusk. 

The more Lucy tried to clear her mind, the more the unwanted thoughts hung around.

“Hey,” whispered Holden. “Where did you go?”

He said it as if he were knocking on a door, full of “let me in.” Instead of answering, Lucy counted how many breaths he took before he knocked again. Six. 

9 comments:

Luisa Perkins said...

Wow, super cool premise and fascinating mix of comps.( I wouldn't mention in a query how long you've been working on the book, though.) I'd keep reading!

Rosalyn said...

I found the sample more compelling than the query--you don't need to say how long you've been writing or what YA readers are looking for, since agents already know that. For me, the query didn't really get going until the third paragraph--maybe start there? I loved the idea of a pinch of X-men, but the Little Women comp threw me a little, as it made me think the story might be 19th century, though it's clear from the sample that it isn't.

Mike M said...

Your query is really bad.

Do not open with how long you've worked on it. Nobody cares. Sorry. It is either ready or not. You don't get credit for trying hard.

Do NOT say it is ready for fine tuning. Say it is complete. Period. Everyone knows that there will be fine tuning. But if you say it, I immediately wonder why you haven't fine tuned it.

Both of these things make you look unprofessional.

But I love little women crossed with x men. That's awesome. Keep that!

Laura Moe said...

I'm with Roslyn and Mike; the query does not do your story justice. As evidenced from the sample you write well, but your query needs to be reframed. Agents doesn't care if you spent 6 years or 6 weeks on a mss.
Also, watch for typos.

On your sample, consider dumping the first line. I was more intrigued by your second line. Also be careful not to infuse too much back story right away.

MVB said...

Hi CN,
I like your page, but I agree that you could cut the first paragraph and I think also the back to school paragraph. It takes me out of the park and what's going on with Holden (love the name, Holden, and the nod to 'Catcher in the Rye'). But I do like the park and the creeping suspense and I am wondering what Lucy's unwanted thoughts are. I love your last line. That would keep me reading.

I was confused by the query. I don't know what an Empath is, though Lucy seems to be a modern day Robin Hood. Perhaps you are trying to tell us too much. Maybe you could just set up the conflict with Jesse and Brittany, explain the stakes and leave it at that. I'm not sure you need Jesse's uncle or Lucy's sister's crush in the query. It's too much information and it gets confusing. Hope this is some help as I do think you have an interesting story, but your query isn't doing it justice.

Laurie L said...

Hi! Your story sounds awesome. Love the concept! But you do need to tighten your query. You have a lot of extra words (cut thing like 'Favored' is the story of...). Just tell us the story, without the narrative stuff.

With some tightening and fine tuning, you'll be there.

SA said...

I think your query is too long, and a bit complicated-- Don't tell us how long you've been working on the novel, just start straight in with the plot, and don't dwell so much on the appealing to YA readers stuff-- maybe just say it'll appeal to fans of those two titles, who appreciate strong characters? Your bio paragraph is great.

I like your pages-- great writing.

Secret Agent said...

Query:
I don’t need an opening sentence like that. Presumably, most of the people in my inbox have been through this same process of writing, revisions, and critiques.

Whew, this is a long query. It’s long enough that I actually didn’t want to start reading it.

You spend a lot of time setting up Lucy’s powers and her backstory. These don’t need more than a sentence. (Also, please clarify, is she an Empath that can feel other’s emotions or is she a manipulator? I don’t see those as the same power.)

You don’t have to tell me about the success of DIVERGENT. It’s my job to know what’s going on in the YA market. You could delete this entire paragraph. Also, I don’t see anything dystopian about this manuscript, so it’s not a good comp anyways.

Also, I find the LITTLE WOMEN comp very odd. I don’t see any of that story reflected in your query. In fact, I see much more Robin Hood than Jo March.

Pages:

Your pages are interesting, but honestly, the query was so confusing, I had a hard time connecting with Lucy’s story.

Secret Agent said...

Query:
I don’t need an opening sentence like that. Presumably, most of the people in my inbox have been through this same process of writing, revisions, and critiques.

Whew, this is a long query. It’s long enough that I actually didn’t want to start reading it.

You spend a lot of time setting up Lucy’s powers and her backstory. These don’t need more than a sentence. (Also, please clarify, is she an Empath that can feel other’s emotions or is she a manipulator? I don’t see those as the same power.)

You don’t have to tell me about the success of DIVERGENT. It’s my job to know what’s going on in the YA market. You could delete this entire paragraph. Also, I don’t see anything dystopian about this manuscript, so it’s not a good comp anyways.

Also, I find the LITTLE WOMEN comp very odd. I don’t see any of that story reflected in your query. In fact, I see much more Robin Hood than Jo March.

Pages:

Your pages are interesting, but honestly, the query was so confusing, I had a hard time connecting with Lucy’s story.