Dear Agent,
In the present, Lara, an introspective, occasionally
intuitive fourteen-year-old, goes to Wales with her dad. He’s a climate-change
scientist researching his theory that Arthur’s Wasteland was caused by a
super-volcano. But then Lara meets Finnian, an itinerant musician, and her
curiosity is piqued by something odd about his walking-stick, which is not
nearly as ordinary as it looks. Finnian’s belligerent young cousin, Red, gets
jealous and insists the stick has been promised to him.
In the distant past, Gildas, an impressionable and
talented young scribe, joins the Welsh court of the legendary Arthur, King of
Britain. He and Arthur use a stone just like the one in Finnian’s walking-stick
to unleash a cataclysm. But neither of them expect the devastating consequences
that transform Britain into Arthur’s Wasteland. Consumed by guilt and
self-loathing, Gildas must find a way to make amends.
Lara discovers there are some decisions she has to make
all by herself. But first she will need Red and a scruffy dog’s help to
discover the whole truth about Finnian, the staff, and whether it was really
Gildas that caused the Wasteland. The only problem is Red hates her guts. As
does his dog. But the stakes become clear when they realise that Finnian’s fate
is hanging in the balance and Lara must make the choice that will determine
what becomes of him.
FINNIAN’S QUEST is an 85 000 word YA fantasy. It is a
remix of modern science and Arthurian tradition with parallel timelines in the
present (Lara) and the past (Gildas).
Thank you for your time and consideration,
M.V.B.
FINNIAN’S QUEST
A tramp with a bedraggled dog dozed outside a small
supermarket. Nobody paid him any attention except mothers of small
children who bustled their offspring quickly past. Every now and again the
tramp’s head jerked upwards like he’d just woken up and he’d twirl the
stick he held loosely in his hands. Then he’d subside back into himself. If any
passerby noticed him, they would have sworn he was asleep.
A solitary teenager stumbled and almost fell on a loose
stone in the pavement. Optimistically dressed for the grey, overcast day,
she shivered in t-shirt and shorts. Her body was all sharp, slender angles,
awkward elbows and bony knees.
The tramp jerked up again. He spun his stick.
The girl caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of her
eye. It started to glow very softly, tugging at a distant part of her
brain. She paused for the blink of an eye, before swinging through the doors
into the supermarket.
The tramp stared after her.
“It’s not her,” a small, skinny boy sat down beside the
tramp and caressed the dog. “She didn’t see it.”
“She saw it alright.”
“Not really. She only half-saw it. I see it better than
that.”
“It’s not the same thing. You know what to look for.”
“She’s just a stupid tourist.” The boy picked up a pebble
and threw it viciously in front of him.
“This might not be what you think it is.”
“Well, what is it then?”
16 comments:
I like your premise and the last paragraph in your query makes me want to read on, however, the rest of your query may need to be more focused. I was left a little confused after reading the query, but that could just be me. Your sample is interesting. I'd suggest considering a word other than "tramp" as it seems a little outdated. Also, I can't get a good picture of this stick..is it a walking stick or more like a wand? I'd read more to see if it can hook me. Good luck!
I really can't get a handle on your POV from your pages.
Your query is too complicated. Boil it down to the key points.
What an ambitious story! I always admire people who take up multiple POVs, but add to that multiple time periods and… wow… that's a lot to keep track of. ;)
Here are my thoughts on your query and first page:
In the present, Lara, an introspective, occasionally intuitive fourteen-year-old, goes to Wales with her dad. He’s a climate-change scientist researching his theory that Arthur’s Wasteland was caused by a super-volcano. But then Lara meets Finnian, an itinerant musician, and her curiosity is piqued by something odd about his walking-stick, which is not nearly as ordinary as it looks. Finnian’s belligerent young cousin, Red, gets jealous and insists the stick has been promised to him.
<-- I wonder if you might find a way to show the reader Lara's introspective and intuitive nature, rather than tell us. Also, I was left wondering why Red is jealous if all Lara has done is met Finnian. Also, wouldn't it be clear what Finnian's intentions are for the stick? So why would Red need to insist anything? These are important elements you might want to focus on. For example:
While her climate-change scientist dad researches his theory that Arthur’s Wasteland was caused by a super-volcano, Lara . As she gets to know Finnian, her curiosity is piqued by his walking-stick, which is not nearly as ordinary as it looks. .
In the distant past, Gildas, an impressionable and talented young scribe, joins the Welsh court of the legendary Arthur, King of Britain. He and Arthur use a stone just like the one in Finnian’s walking-stick to unleash a cataclysm. But neither of them expect the devastating consequences that transform Britain into Arthur’s Wasteland. Consumed by guilt and self-loathing, Gildas must find a way to make amends.
<-- Similar to the first paragraph, I'd suggest focusing on actions instead of telling. This is where you can give the agent a taste of how you write and you want them to think action, not telling. Also, I wondered where Arthur went at the end of the paragraph. Aren't they both responsible? Or did Arthur die in the cataclysm? I just wondered why Gildas seems to be trying to make amends by himself. One way you could re-write this paragraph would be:
In the distant past, Gildas pledges his service to the Welsh court of the legendary Arthur, King of Britain. During one of (their adventures?), Arthur and he stumble across a stone like the one in Finnian’s walking-stick and (accidentally?) unleash a cataclysm that transforms Britain into Arthur’s Wasteland. Consumed by guilt, Gildas (and Arthur?) must find a way to make amends.
Lara discovers there are some decisions she has to make all by herself. But first she will need Red and a scruffy dog’s help to discover the whole truth about Finnian, the staff, and whether it was really Gildas that caused the Wasteland. The only problem is Red hates her guts. As does his dog. But the stakes become clear when they realise that Finnian’s fate is hanging in the balance and Lara must make the choice that will determine what becomes of him.
<--What decisions? One thing I've discovered about queries is that vagueness usually causes more harm than good. Specific actions and details win people over… as long as they don't pile up and become unwieldy. So I'd suggest really focusing on the aspects that bring past and present together in this paragraph.
FINNIAN’S QUEST is an 85 000 word YA fantasy. It is a remix of modern science and Arthurian tradition with parallel timelines in the present (Lara) and the past (Gildas).
<--Nice wrap-up, although I do wonder why the story is called Finnian's Quest when he's not one of the main characters.
FINNIAN’S QUEST
A tramp with a bedraggled dog dozed outside a small supermarket. Nobody paid him any attention except mothers of small children who bustled their offspring quickly past. Every now and again the tramp’s head jerked upwards like he’d just woken up and he’d and he'd twirl the stick he held loosely in his hands,. Then A later, he subside then sag back into himself. If any passerby noticed him, they would have sworn he was asleep.
<--I really like how you introduce the tramp. The only suggestions I have are possible ways to trim and move the story along without sacrificing the essence of the scene. I cut the last sentence since it didn't seem necessary.
A solitary teenager stumbled and almost fell on a loose stone in the pavement. Optimistically underdressed for the grey, overcast day, she shivered in t-shirt and shorts. Her body was all sharp, slender angles, awkward elbows and bony knees.
<--Nice introduction of Lara. Although I understand the desire to describe her appearance, you might want to find another place to fit this in… maybe even have Red say something about her appearance.
The tramp jerked up again. He and spun his stick.
<--I think you could combine these two sentences for a snappier one.
The girl caught a glimpse of it something out of the corner of her eye. It started to glowed very softly, tugging and tugged at a distant part of her brain. She paused for the a blink of an eye, before swinging then swung through the doors into the supermarket.
<--Another thing I've learned is "started to" can almost always be cut in favor of a full-fledged verb. The only time you need began/started to is when an action is immediately interrupted and never finished. Also, most –ing words can be promoted to full verbs, too.
The tramp stared after her.
<--Is there another verb or action you might use here instead of stared? Preferably one with some emotion or meaning attached to it. For example:
The tramp stroked his chin.
“It’s not her,” a small, skinny boy sat down beside the tramp and caressed the dog. “She didn’t see it.”
<--It might be best to switch the action/introduction to before the dialogue. For example:
A small, skinny boy sat beside the tramp and caressed the dog. ““It’s not her. She didn’t see it.”
“She saw it alright.”
“Not really. She only half-saw it. I see it better than that.”
“It’s not the same thing. You know what to look for.”
<--Good dialogue. Well done.
“She’s just a stupid tourist.” The boy picked up a pebble and threw it viciously in front of him whipped it across the street.
<--Whenever you see a Verb + -ly word, you should look for verbs that make the –ly word unnecessary. Like threw viciously becomes whipped (or any other verb that fits).
Also, this is a possible spot where you could add in some description of Lara. For example:
No awkward elbow, bony knees girl was going to take what was rightfully his.
“This might not be what you think it is.”
<--I think this would be stronger if you focused on Lara. For example:
"She might not be who you think she is."
But that would mean changing the next line.
“Well, what is it then?”
<--This dialogue was a good way to end your first page. It builds tension, not just in the story, but between all three characters, even if Lara doesn't know it yet.
Overall, this was a good first page. The main thing is polishing, whittling off extra words and sharpening the ones already there.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
Oops looks like my strike-throughs didn't translate. Doh! If there are certain parts that are confusing it's b/c of that. Just compare the original to what is written and you'll see the edits I made.
Thanks for your comments Pen-Up Girl and Mike M.
This query seems like it has a bit further to go. Trying to make the parallel timelines clear is the main problem, I think. Anyway, guess I just have to keep at it...
Good point about POV. I've used an omniscient narrator for the opening, to set up the scene and assemble the cast.
Hi Joseph,
Thank you so much for going to so much trouble and leaving such detailed feedback. It is very helpful and greatly appreciated.
The page does seem to be going down better than the query, which I suppose is good in the overall. But I wish I could nail that query!
Thanks again for your help.
MVB,
I can't tell you how many times I've written and rewritten my query. One thing to keep in mind... you'll never please everyone with the same query. Just do the best you can to get across the heart and soul of the story and you'll find the right words and right people to champion your book.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
Thanks for the encouragement, Joseph,
I spent most of the morning reworking the query and think it's a lot clearer now. Though I tend to think that after every revision...
And I followed a few of your suggestions and made a couple of adjustments to the Page.
So thanks again for such great input!
MVB--I love this!
I don't agree with the query needing work. I think people some times forget that you must include an elevator pitch and tell things about the character. (It is okay to tell in a query!)
The idea of this story is fascinating, the pages intriguing, and I already like your characters.
I was engrossed and didn't find a single spot where the writing bumps me out of the story to make crit notes. (Though after skimming your comments, I do like the suggestion of a little more detail on the stick.)
I enjoy your voice.
This is a book I would want to keep reading, without a doubt.
Excellent work!
I love pairing a contemporary issue like climate science with Arthurian legend. Thee is much to be learned from the past. Your query works well.
The sample, though, let me confused. Who are we supposed to be paying attention to? Why? Does the tramp figure prominently in your tale?
Hi Carolee and Laura,
Thank you so much of retaking the time to comment and for your encouragement and kind words. Carolee, I'm so pleased you like the story.
Laura, the tramp is Finnian, though as it turns out, he's not really a tramp but he does wear old, shabby clothes and often looks a bit under the weather, so he could pass for one. Some of the time, anyway. I think when the girl is named as Lara in the following paragraph (after 250 words), it becomes clear.
Query:
“…goes to Wales…” You can do better. ;) And I would just call Lara “intuitive” and drop “occasionally” altogether. It turns intuitive into a character trait instead of a throw-away description.
Can I get some description of Finnegan’s age? (Feel free to loose “But then” at the beginning of his introductory sentence because it’s not really a follow-up to anything.) Also, Red’s age?
I’m nit-picking because I like your story and don’t want it to be lost in a lackluster query.
Also, Just a question, I’m worried that 14 is a little young to bill this as straight YA. Maybe it's just the query reading a little too young. Adding some romance or danger into the query would change this. (I'm assuming these things take place in your manuscript.) Right now Lara and Red sound like a reluctant-buddy quest story, which, in my mind, sits firmly in MG. Reluctant romance, however, is the YA I'm looking for.
Pages:
You caught my attention in the pages, however. Well written and a perfect intro to your three main characters. I love the blending of Arthurian legend and a modern Welsh setting!
Ooh LA LA! Rooting for this to be a winner!! Awesome feedback!!
Dear Secret Agent,
Thanks so much for your comments. Eagerly watching your posts unfold with such detailed and constructive feedback for everyone. Greatly appreciate the time it must take to do it.
So lucky to be part of this Secret Agent's Inbox!
Thanks so much, Carolee. Looking forward to reading what Secret Agent says about yours.
Post a Comment