Wednesday, August 21, 2013

An Agent's Inbox #7

Dear Sara,

Twelve year old Jaden has a lot to live up to. His father is Sudner’s greatest hero. He wants to be the warrior everyone is expecting, but Jaden prefers books to battles. When he hid in a tree as his father was captured by the fierce race of Wargals, his feeling of failure is compounded. Jaden sets off on a quest to redeem himself and rescue his father, where he discovers an even harder assignment is placed on his shoulders. He’s been called by the leaders of a hidden kingdom, who created his world, to become the Guardian of Sudner.  To do so, he’ll not only have to learn old magic, but somehow find the courage to defeat the Wargals in a battle for the survival of Suder.

The Guardian of Sudner is an uplifting middle grade fantasy novel with a touch of humor. It runs about 58,000 words in length.

I’ve posted the first 250 words for you to consider. The entire manuscript is available upon request.

Currently, I am a columnist for Meridian Magazine, Latter-day Homeschooling, and am a correspondent/columnist for Deseret Connect, all of which give me a platform to help market my writing. I have also written for other magazines, such as Women’s Day, The Boer Goat, Brio, and Cleaner Times.  

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



Jaden Andreist stalled at lunch as long as he could. It was time for battle class.  There was no getting out of it…at least none he’d thought of. Reluctantly, he put his elements book away and walked out the door. He’d been practicing for months with Klevi, one of the top battle students, in exchange for tutoring him in runes. A week ago he felt confident. He’d been sparing better than ever. He’d even beaten Klevi twice. But, today was different. The knots in his stomach gave him doubt.

The other boys in his class loved sparring. It was the best part of turning twelve. No longer were they trapped doing nothing but endless boring drills in battle training. Now they got to show off their skill going head to head in real duels. For the other boys it was a dream come true. For Jaden, however, it felt more like a nightmare. He preferred books to battles. If you made a mistake with a book, no one died.

By the time he reached the practice field, most of the other boys were already suited up.

“I didn’t think you’d have the guts to show up today, Jaden,” Berach said as he pushed past him and grabbed some chain mail. “Couldn’t think of an excuse to stay with Daddy?”

The rest of the group sniggered as they filed out onto the field.  His face grew warm as he grabbed his gear and a practice sword, hurrying out behind them.


Andrew said...

Nice! The reluctant hero. :D
Good luck!

Angela Brown said...

I do love a MC that loves to read. This sounds like a great story.

As for the query, I found it pretty straight to the point so that makes it a tight, fast read. There appeared to be a slight change from past to present tense that gave me pause but otherwise, very enjoyable.

I got the feeling your 250 really started with the second paragraph, but that is just a personal note. It started nicely giving the reader a hint to the world the MC resides and some of the "interesting characters" he has to deal with.

I wish you the best with this as it really sounds intriguing :-)

K. L. Hallam said...

Yes, the reluctant hero!
You set up the start, the mood, that this hero will stall and have to "change" somehow to fulfill his position as " the Guardian of Sudner". Sounds like a fun read. You mention humor...any way you can add some of that in the query?
Best of Luck! :)

Agent Sara Sciuto said...

What a neat world! I want an elements books and tutoring in runes! The query description was a great length too. Just enough to pique my interest and make me want to read the sample pages--exactly what a query is supposed to do.

I did enjoy the sample pages, but I would have preferred they start with a great live scene. Don't feel compelled to set anything up in the opening of a book--rather, treat your readers like we already know your character and his world. Drop us into the live scene the you begin at the end of your sample pages and work in the necessary info naturally through the narrative, as needed. I really enjoyed your character and his world and would want to keep reading!

S.A. Turnbull said...

“When he hid in a tree as his father was captured by the fierce race of Wargals, his feeling of failure is compounded.” I feel there is a tense issue here. Either “When he hid in a tree as his father was captured by the fierce race of Wargals, his feeling of failure was compounded” or “When hiding in a tree as his father was captured by the fierce race of Wargals, Jaden’s feeling of failure is compounded.”

“all of which give me a platform to help market my writing.” Smart note to add!

Good luck and happy writing!