Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An Agent's Inbox #42

Dear Agent;

Sixteen-year-old Sayra Nieves loves seeing the future through her dreams, especially when they foretell embarrassing situations for her classmates. The night Sayra dreams of a man being murdered by a gang of masked attackers, she has no idea how to handle it. This is her first violent dream, and because it manifests after the new student, Chaz Bishop, accidentally knocks her off her bike, she wonders if that’s what caused the dark turn in her dreams.

Chaz instantly lands on Sayra’s bad side with his snarky attitude, gloved hands and freakish aversion to being touched. He’s cute, but to Sayra, cute isn’t enough to overlook those weird gloves and his oddball behavior. When Sayra identifies the doomed man from her dream she’s horrified to discover it’s Chaz’s dad. Great, now she has no choice but to enlist Chaz’s help, and they, along with her two best friends, begin their own amateur sleuthing. It doesn’t take long for Sayra to realize she and her friends are in over their heads. Chaz’s dad is a powerful man with powerful enemies. What if he’s just as bad as the men who want to kill him? It doesn’t matter to Sayra. Her growing feelings for Chaz has her all the more determined to identify the masked men and keep his dad alive. If Sayra doesn’t stop sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, no amount of psychic dreams will help her out of the dangerous situation she’s stumbling toward.

PLATINUM DIARIES is a young adult paranormal, complete at 76,000 words. I believe fans of Lisa McMann’s Wake series and Alyson Noel’s Immortals series will enjoy my novel. I majored in English at the University of Maryland, where I studied media arts and creative writing. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.



I took the steps to school two at a time, trying to catch up with the new guy. Around me, students hung about the main entrance, gawking like I’d just stripped off my clothes and did a dance. My cell buzzed with three rapidly fired texts from Penny.

--what r u doing?
--stop chasing him!
--do u knw who he is? Chaz Bishop!

Nope, no clue who Chaz Bishop was, other than the jerk who’d gotten my assigned parking space. I was the one who stood in line for three hours last year, not him. But he waltzed in, two weeks after start of term, and was simply given my spot. No way was I going to let that fly. Just as I reached the front doors another text from Penny came through.

--Chaz Bishop + Harlan Bishop = $$$

If Penny was trying to calm me down, telling me this guy’s father had mega bucks was not the way to do it. By the time I ran up to the administrative office, I had all kinds of theories about my stolen parking space worked out in my head. I burst through the door like a lunatic. What was I going to do when I caught him? I hadn’t even thought it out.

Mrs. Minnis, the headmaster’s assistant, was in the midst of handing the new guy his schedule. Her welcoming smile turned into a nostril flare when her eyes met mine.


Roxanne said...

Hey, I majored in English at University of Maryland! :)

I liked the premise of your query. The gloved hands were really interesting to me, and I want to know more about them. I also liked that she likes seeing the future because she wants to see embarrassing things about her classmates. (Although I'd totally try to win the lotto!)

But I did feel like the second paragraph was a little long. It started to lose me toward the end.

One thing I wonder about in general is if it's really a good idea to make comparisons to other books. Do you assume the agent has read these books? How do you know, unless the agent represents those authors?

Anonymous said...

Agree with Roxanne about the second paragraph loosing me too! Just needs simplifying a bit.

Intriguing though. I like the "He’s cute, but to Sayra, cute isn’t enough to overlook those weird gloves and his oddball behavior."

I love your voice in your first few lines. Just doesn't give the sense of "supernatural". Would be better to start with her premonition. I think I'll have to do the same to - put something more supernatural first. Mine is number 20 if you want to check it out. : )

Good luck. I hear that voice is EVERYTHING and you definately have it.

Lori M. Lee said...

There's too much back story packed into the query. I wouldn't have read the story based on your query, but I really liked Sayra's voice in your opening and I definitely would have continued reading there!

Write Life said...

I liked it! Yeah, it got a bit long in that second paragraph, but I still liked it!

Don't like the title though. Sorry!
The writing snippet, I loved. So it balances out! : )
Good luck!

Unknown said...

Intriguing premise, and I think it has a lot of potential. I'm not a fan of text messages in the first page (well, okay, I don't like reading many texts in a novel, period), but I think I'm probably in the minority there.

There are a few places in the middle paragraph of the query where the grammar pings me as wrong ("Her growing feels for Chaz has her", "no amount of psychic dreams"), but those are little things.

Good luck!

The Agent said...

This is an interesting premise but feels somehow similar to other ones I've read; I'd probably want to do some research to be sure there is not too much overlap and that the content is fresh and unique.

The opening paragraphs give a good sense of character and place, although for my personal taste, coupled with the more snarky voice in the query, it tells me it's not right for my list. Others may well feel differently, though.