Wednesday, October 26, 2016

An Agent's Inbox #20

Dear "The Agent,"

Eighteen-year-old Chrestienne hasn’t done anything evil--yet. But according to an ancient prophecy, it’s only a matter of time before she kills her first love and destroys her country, the kingdom of Renland.

Ever since mages confirmed her fate as a child, she’s spent her life in her family’s isolated castle, hoping rumors don’t spread. But they do. An assassination attempt on Chrestienne forces her to flee to the capital city in search of a normal life. Disguised as an illiterate messenger boy, She finds work and even befriends Sebastien, an artistic young nobleman. 

While running messages, Chrestienne discovers a plot to kill the queen and blame another country. She suspects Sebastien’s father might be the ringleader, and telling Sebastien could destroy their relationship. She might be falling in love with Sebastien, too, but she doesn’t want to kill him. 

Saving her country from war might be the only way Chrestienne can finally prove to everyone--most importantly, herself--that she can rewrite her fate. But when every step she takes to avoid it only stains her hands in blood, being anything more than a villain might be beyond her reach.

ESCAPING FATE is YA fantasy complete at 93,000 words with series potential.

Thank you for your consideration,

A.K.


ESCAPING FATE

Do you believe in fate?

Not destiny--the awe-inspiring future of heroes, but fate.

I do. I have no choice. Let me tell you a story.

Long ago there was a seer. She saw her first vision as a child, her last the day before she died. The last was about me.

Five acts will the dark child accomplish, four which will break the hearts of men:
A longed-for babe from the House of gryphons shall take her mother’s life,
A girl from the House of pines shall destroy her father’s greatest treasure,
A maiden with the mark of a scorpion shall pierce her lover’s heart,
A woman with a heart of iron shall weaken the kingdom’s defense,
A villain with no remorse shall bring her lands to dust and ashes.

She’d never been wrong.

#

I crashed through the copse of trees, cedar branches scraping my body, green needles clinging to my dark brown gown.

Breathe. I just had to breathe. 

Breaking through the trees, I raced into the meadow. Mountains towered around me, supporting the sky, their snowy caps rivaling the clouds. The world narrowed to this place, to the blue sky and the purple wildflowers. 

Pausing, I closed my eyes and forced a deep breath, letting the soothing scent of cedar and fresh soil wash over me.

I wanted Loys. No, I needed him.

I needed to bury my face in his white fur and feel his steady heartbeat near mine.

7 comments:

Elissa Hunter said...

Ooh, I like this! The opening line and paragraph of the query are really strong.

Personally, I would cut the first four sentences of the story and start the manuscript with "Let me tell you a story." It puts the reader right into the action and makes the paragraph about the seer much stronger!

The Agent said...

Excellent. Send it to me!

Katherine T. said...

I love the query/idea for this story. Dark and intriguing.

I second the comment on beginning with "Let me tell you a story." I didn't realize I wanted that until I saw the comment.

Also, I think the description in the 250 could be a bit more fleshed out. I can't quite picture the scenery the main character is seeing.

Overall, great job, would read on.

winkchii said...

Why do I love this so much?! I personally think is fantastic from being to end. I need this book in my life, I pray you get a publisher!

Adrianne said...

Thank you all so much for your thoughts/suggestions! I really appreciate it!

Brianne Zwambag said...

I love this and think it will be a great read! The query is really succinct and intriguing- I love the opening line. My only suggestion would be to cut the first 4 lines of the actual book. The "Let me tell you a story..." thing is overdone and pulls me from a story. Just start me in the action! The line right after is a strong starter anyways. :)

Suzanne Warr said...

I really enjoyed this one! The opening felt a bit bumpy, voice-wise, but that may have just been the way she breaks the fourth wall. I would definitely keep reading, and loved what I read so far!