Friday, June 8, 2012

And You Thought I Was the Only Writer in the Family...

A little homegrown entertainment to carry you into the weekend. Honey Bear’s been writing movie reviews for his younger brother, who’s been on a mission for the last two years and unable to see any of the new releases. This one’s our favorite (review*, that is). It’s for the 2010 release of Eclipse:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) * (All those moody people from the previous films)

Bella: My life is so horrible.

Jacob: My life is worse.

Edward: I’m not even alive, but you guys have no idea how tortured I am. Why won’t you marry me, Bella?

Bella: Because I have an irrational aversion to the institution of marriage. Besides, we need two more films, so we’re going to have to drag this out. And because I’m chronically depressed, even though I have everything I ever wanted in the previous films.

Jacob: Speaking of dragging things out, how is it that this film is already an hour long and all we’ve done is have one conversation?

Edward: I hate your face. You make me want to throw up every time I see you.

Jacob: I hope you die. Ah! My life is so awful!

*Thirty minutes of back story on vampires or werewolves we didn’t need to know*

Some vampire we’re supposed to know: Oh, no! An army of, like, seven vampires is coming to kill Bella.

Honey Bear: Woohoo!

Edward and Jacob: I’m not going to let that happen. I’ll die for you, Bella. Wait, you can’t die for her, I’m going to die first. No, me!

Honey Bear: Why do you guys even like that whiny baby?

Edward: Because it’s in the script.

*Thirty minutes of back story on vampires or werewolves we didn’t need to know*

Bella: Oh, no! Here’s the army.

Jacob: Why do we keep calling them an army? There’s, like, more of us than them.

Edward: Shh. This is supposed to be intense.

*Thirty minutes of back story on vampires or werewolves we didn’t need to know*

Edward: Wow, that was a really anticlimactic time to have a long and pointless flashback.

Director: Shut up and glower, spider monkey!

Edward: Oh, my life is so awful…

Director: That’s better.

*Two minutes of fighting that the entire film has been building up to*

Edward: Well, that was easy. Even though they were supposed to be way stronger than us, we totally trashed them and nobody important even got hurt.

Jacob: Ow! I think I’ve shattered half the bones in my spectacularly chiseled body.

Bella: Jake, I love you, but I love Edward more.

Jacob: Wow, that’s a weird thing to say to someone right after they get crushed for you.

Bella: You’ll get over it because of your inexplicable love for me.

Edward: Let’s get back to our horrible lives.

Bella: Wow, I can’t believe a story that’s as anemic as I am can be stretched into a twelve-hour film.

(PG-13 for a horrifying absence of anything like comic relief and a make-out scene that is really long and uncomfortable)

Told you I wasn’t the only writer in the family:)

*This is the only review Honey Bear wrote like a script, but maybe he should have written all of them this way, since this one turned out so well…


Elizabeth Briggs said...

This might need to be a regular feature on your blog.

Jenilyn Tolley said...

"Shut up and glower, spider monkey!"

Haha! That was hilarious! I never saw Eclipse, but we did have some friends over to watch Twilight. Our DVD player will play at 1.5 speed and keep the audio. My husband kept getting bored and speeding the movie up. The sad thing is that it would take us 15-20 minutes to notice because they were talking so slowly anyway. Anyway, Honey Bear should become a movie reviewer--I'd definitely read them!

Cortney Pearson said...

Bahahahaha, I love the pointless backstory scenes. This cracked me up!!! :D

Janice Sperry said...

That was a lot better than reading the books. I only saw the first movie. It was enough for me.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

I can totally see him recounting this. Man, I love that. What a funny guy. We need to meet up again and see what hilarity ensues.

Cristina said...

that was BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

Lindsey R. Loucks said...


Sarah said...

I second Elizabeth. Regular feature, please. :)

Suzi said...

I think you have some competition. He's good.

Katy White said...

Oh my great googly moogly! If the film's actual dialogue had been this engaging, the movie actually might have had a redeeming quality. Honey Bear is clearly a cinematic genius.

Adam Heine said...

This was so great. You should introduce Honey Bear to Mystery Science Theater. Shoot, he should be on MST.

JeffO said...

That was great. I haven't seen any of the films, but I read the books, and that pretty much sums up the book, too.

Anstice Potts said...

Ha this is excellent! It's actually a very accurate portrayal of the whole movie, very funny.

Krista Van Dolzer said...

Liz, Honey Bear will be happy to hear you say that:)

Jeni, that's one of the biggest problems with those movies--all the scenes are overly long and melodramatic. (And Honey Bear posts a lot of his reviews on the movie page on, so you could check them out if you want...)

Cortney, to be honest, I didn't think the flashbacks were too terribly placed in the book, but they stuck them in the most ridiculous places in the movie. Those are the sorts of scenes that a screenwriter--and if not the screenwriter, then the director--needs to have the good sense to cut.

You're not missing anything, Janice...

Yes, Kayeleen! It would be great to get together with you guys again.

Thanks for your comments, Cristina and Lindsey! Glad you liked it:)

Sarah, the only problem with making it a regular feature is that we don't see a lot of movies in the theater, so most of his reviews would be, like, six months to a year late. (Also, as talented as Honey Bear is, he's not quite this funny all the time.)

Suzi, don't encourage him! He keeps telling me he's going to write a book someday, but so far, I've yet to see him stick his butt in the chair and WRITE. (But in his defense, he is a pretty busy guy.)

Katy, he very much appreciated being called a cinematic genius:)

Oh, Adam, Honey Bear's well aware of Mystery Science Theater... :)

JeffO, I still like TWILIGHT, and ECLIPSE was easily my second favorite in the series, but BREAKING DAWN just ruined it for me. I threw out all my copies of the books--except for TWILIGHT, since it still stands on its own--and stopped watching the movies after Eclipse. Sigh.

Well, Anstice, when a movie's light on plot, it's easy to sum the whole thing up in one overly dramatic page:)

Kimberly Gabriel said...

Thanks for the laugh! This is hysterical! And for the record...just in case he's tempted to write more for you to post....I wouldn't care if the review is 6mo-1yr out.

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear someone else NOT like Breaking Dawn. As if the characters weren't depressed enough, Bella went from 18 to 35 overnight. Yeah, that's fun.

Leslie S. Rose said...

Honey Bear is my new favorite author.

Krista Van Dolzer said...

Kimberly, I'll let him know:)

Yeah, Anon, I thought the plot points in BREAKING DAWN took a definite turn for the bizarre (in a series that was already about vampires and werewolves, mind you). I also thought the ending fizzled and found the big jump in content level disappointing.

He'll be happy to hear you say that, Leslie:)

Myrna Foster said...

Hilarious and dead on. I've no intention of watching the last two, but I'd be happy to read his reviews (not that it sounds like he'll be watching them, either).

Krista Van Dolzer said...

Yeah, Myrna, we definitely won't be seeing either installment of Breaking Dawn. (We haven't even seen The Hunger Games yet, and that's one we want to see!)