Wednesday, March 22, 2017

On Your Marks, Get Set, Critique!

Check out the entries below, then leave some feedback in the comments if you feel so inclined. (ENTRANTS, PLEASE REMEMBER TO CRITIQUE AT LEAST THREE OTHER ENTRIES!) And I'm sure this goes without saying, but please keep your comments constructive (i.e., not rude or mean-spirited). If you want to think like The Agent, you might consider the question, "How much of the entry did you read, and if you didn't read it all, why did you stop (and if you did read it all, what impression did it leave)?"

I'll reveal The Agent's identity and announce his or her winners and prizes at the beginning of next week, but until then, have at it!

(For your information, I take out profanity when I'm formatting the entries, so if you notice any asterisks, they're my asterisks, not the entrants'. Also, entrants, if you find a Krista-generated error in your post, feel free to shoot me an e-mail, and I'll correct it straightaway.)


Casey Costra said...

Were I an agent, I'd have stopped at "is only exemplified."

I did read through to see the four major cliches: hole...heart; beacon...light; truth...dangles; and, web...crime.

On the second read it was clear, but first time through, the relationships among these characters were a blur.

I'd look for cleaner, crisper, more precise wording, with some distinctive voice.

Lonna Seibert said...

I read the whole query and 250, I wanted to see what would happen!

I was very confused as to what Dante's mother's death had to do with probation. The query ties them together without explanation.

In the first 250, I thought the language was very evocative. I could see what was happening, visualizing the sunlight on the wall and the woman on the phone very clearly. I was thrown by the "Sadie" at the beginning. I wasn't sure if we were hearing from Sadie in this scene, or if someone else was thinking about Sadie. By the end of the 250 I was pretty sure we were watching and listening to Sadie, but not certain. Is there some way to make it clearer who is speaking to us?

Antiperspirant prevents perspiration while deodorant prevents odor. It is clear the person in this scene is perspiring quite a bit, so she's probably grateful for the deodorant to mask the odor, not the other, which obviously isn't working for her.

I'm concerned your last paragraph could be the beginning of too much backstory/info dump. You have gone from a scene of high tension to Coral Gables, taking us out of the moment and slowing down the action. I would stick to what's happening right now, and leave the backstory for later.

Your premise sounds very interesting! I would like to know more about the illicit hotel. Good luck!

LT Shade said...

Thank you!

I am just getting around to reading this and these are awesome remarks. I think I'm going to scratch my query and start all over. There is a lot going on there and I should narrow it down.

Oh, SADIE is mean to be the POV 'heading' since this book is written from multiple POV. & I didn't even think of the antiperspirant deodorant part. It seems kind of repetitive in that sense. I was also thinking of removing thinking of removing that line as well because it can be jarring as the reader. Again, thank you!