tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4321862908434798209..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: On Your Marks, Get Set, Critique!Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-64769845966324615472017-03-23T10:24:04.526-06:002017-03-23T10:24:04.526-06:00Thank you!
I am just getting around to reading th...Thank you!<br /><br />I am just getting around to reading this and these are awesome remarks. I think I'm going to scratch my query and start all over. There is a lot going on there and I should narrow it down.<br /><br />Oh, SADIE is mean to be the POV 'heading' since this book is written from multiple POV. & I didn't even think of the antiperspirant deodorant part. It seems kind of repetitive in that sense. I was also thinking of removing thinking of removing that line as well because it can be jarring as the reader. Again, thank you!<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07700113540655434184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-59821564970429750462017-03-22T11:17:46.163-06:002017-03-22T11:17:46.163-06:00I read the whole query and 250, I wanted to see wh...I read the whole query and 250, I wanted to see what would happen!<br /><br />I was very confused as to what Dante's mother's death had to do with probation. The query ties them together without explanation.<br /><br />In the first 250, I thought the language was very evocative. I could see what was happening, visualizing the sunlight on the wall and the woman on the phone very clearly. I was thrown by the "Sadie" at the beginning. I wasn't sure if we were hearing from Sadie in this scene, or if someone else was thinking about Sadie. By the end of the 250 I was pretty sure we were watching and listening to Sadie, but not certain. Is there some way to make it clearer who is speaking to us?<br /><br />Antiperspirant prevents perspiration while deodorant prevents odor. It is clear the person in this scene is perspiring quite a bit, so she's probably grateful for the deodorant to mask the odor, not the other, which obviously isn't working for her.<br /><br />I'm concerned your last paragraph could be the beginning of too much backstory/info dump. You have gone from a scene of high tension to Coral Gables, taking us out of the moment and slowing down the action. I would stick to what's happening right now, and leave the backstory for later.<br /><br />Your premise sounds very interesting! I would like to know more about the illicit hotel. Good luck!Lonna Seiberthttp://lonnaseibert.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83887133388024715672017-03-22T09:46:55.606-06:002017-03-22T09:46:55.606-06:00Were I an agent, I'd have stopped at "is ...Were I an agent, I'd have stopped at "is only exemplified." <br /><br />I did read through to see the four major cliches: hole...heart; beacon...light; truth...dangles; and, web...crime.<br /><br />On the second read it was clear, but first time through, the relationships among these characters were a blur.<br /><br />I'd look for cleaner, crisper, more precise wording, with some distinctive voice.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07752553008218553850noreply@blogger.com