Hi, your story sounds really cute! I'm curious to learn more about Jake. Is there something unique about him you might throw in? The only other things I might think of doing is bringing the second to last paragraph to the very top and maybe deleting the last sentence since to me it's self-evident.
I'm not sure how I feel about the start of the first 250. I don't think it sets off the right tone for your novel, which seems more humorous than erotic. Maybe start off with something funny? I'm thinking a bedroom adventure gone wrong? Other than that, the writing is fantastic!
I felt like the first scene was much too short for me. I like the contrast of making the reader think she's been with her husband and then showing the reality, but I think you can do more than that.
As to the query, I'm having a hard time sympathizing with Olivia. The query basically tells me that she's going to stop caring about her son, her husband, and her job so that she can enjoy time with Jake. It may be realistic, but it's not a character I'd want to spend 60,000 words with. I'm sure there's got to be more to Olivia than just the things she wants for herself. I want to see that Olivia.
Wow. This sounds refreshingly honest in its approach to sexual expression. Love is not clean, and neither is life, but most romance novels stick to classic 'happy ending' tropes that get us nowhere.
I am so curious to learn more about Olivia and whether her and Jake meet up. I imagine millions of people have had this experience of reconnecting with a long lost love on Facebook or other social media venues. How do we handles these interactions if we are unsatisfied with our love life?
Nicely done, I hope to someday read the entire book.
I don't know why, but the query worked for me, despite all the above comments being true. Perhaps because there's an honesty here--she is doing what she wants, and that's all there is to it. I think people can identify with that--or want to, at least. This query doesn't start with a great hook, and the story is nothing new. Yet it worked. The sample, not so much. It seemed too cute and got erotic too quickly. Were I browsing in a bookstore, I would not turn the page. But then again, I don't read this type of fiction. Best of luck, Spike (aka M.P. - my query is #12)
I love the line in your query "Jake pokes back." Your query has a lot of voice, which carries through to your sample. I agree with what Katrina said earlier, about not feeling sympathetic to a woman who is willing to neglect her marriage, child, etc for a potential affair. I wonder if you can get her conflicting feelings across better in the query so that your MC doesn't seem so callous. I'm sure she isn't! But I think you could punch that aspect up in the query. Good luck!
Query Thoughts: I thought your query was good; got the points across and I got a good sense of the plot and character. Don't need so much about your current job and how you can promote your work in the bio. I want to know you can write, not promote.
Page: I was immediately turned off by that opening paragraph. I think it's a little lazy to just start with one paragraph and then cut to another scene. What are you trying to tell the reader? Your first true scene is sort of dull--always the lunch with friends talking about unhappy home life. See it a lot. I get you wanted something shocking--so why didn't you stick with it?
Overall: There can be something here from the query; if she is a heroine I can really like and not feel she's self-centered. That's how you'll have to hook the reader in your opening pages.
7 comments:
Hi, your story sounds really cute! I'm curious to learn more about Jake. Is there something unique about him you might throw in? The only other things I might think of doing is bringing the second to last paragraph to the very top and maybe deleting the last sentence since to me it's self-evident.
I'm not sure how I feel about the start of the first 250. I don't think it sets off the right tone for your novel, which seems more humorous than erotic. Maybe start off with something funny? I'm thinking a bedroom adventure gone wrong? Other than that, the writing is fantastic!
I felt like the first scene was much too short for me. I like the contrast of making the reader think she's been with her husband and then showing the reality, but I think you can do more than that.
As to the query, I'm having a hard time sympathizing with Olivia. The query basically tells me that she's going to stop caring about her son, her husband, and her job so that she can enjoy time with Jake. It may be realistic, but it's not a character I'd want to spend 60,000 words with. I'm sure there's got to be more to Olivia than just the things she wants for herself. I want to see that Olivia.
Hope this is helpful.
Wow. This sounds refreshingly honest in its approach to sexual expression. Love is not clean, and neither is life, but most romance novels stick to classic 'happy ending' tropes that get us nowhere.
I am so curious to learn more about Olivia and whether her and Jake meet up. I imagine millions of people have had this experience of reconnecting with a long lost love on Facebook or other social media venues. How do we handles these interactions if we are unsatisfied with our love life?
Nicely done, I hope to someday read the entire book.
Hmmmm, so intriguing! I love the way you've set up the story.
I don't know why, but the query worked for me, despite all the above comments being true. Perhaps because there's an honesty here--she is doing what she wants, and that's all there is to it. I think people can identify with that--or want to, at least.
This query doesn't start with a great hook, and the story is nothing new. Yet it worked.
The sample, not so much. It seemed too cute and got erotic too quickly. Were I browsing in a bookstore, I would not turn the page.
But then again, I don't read this type of fiction.
Best of luck,
Spike (aka M.P. - my query is #12)
I love the line in your query "Jake pokes back." Your query has a lot of voice, which carries through to your sample.
I agree with what Katrina said earlier, about not feeling sympathetic to a woman who is willing to neglect her marriage, child, etc for a potential affair. I wonder if you can get her conflicting feelings across better in the query so that your MC doesn't seem so callous. I'm sure she isn't! But I think you could punch that aspect up in the query. Good luck!
Query Thoughts: I thought your query was good; got the points across and I got a good sense of the plot and character. Don't need so much about your current job and how you can promote your work in the bio. I want to know you can write, not promote.
Page: I was immediately turned off by that opening paragraph. I think it's a little lazy to just start with one paragraph and then cut to another scene. What are you trying to tell the reader? Your first true scene is sort of dull--always the lunch with friends talking about unhappy home life. See it a lot. I get you wanted something shocking--so why didn't you stick with it?
Overall: There can be something here from the query; if she is a heroine I can really like and not feel she's self-centered. That's how you'll have to hook the reader in your opening pages.
Post a Comment