Thursday, January 2, 2014

Another Movie Review from Honey Bear

We finally saw Pacific Rim, and Honey Bear's review made me laugh out loud. Now, I know a lot of you enjoyed the movie, so let me preface this by saying we did not. The first hour was entertaining, but the remaining HOUR AND A HALF could have used a really solid edit. Like, really solid. So this review totally falls under the category of irreverent and less-than-complimentary, like his review for Eclipse. Enjoy?

Pacific Rim (2013) *1/2 (Directed by Guillermo del Toro)

The film begins with some growly-voiced expository narration that spoon-feeds you all the ridiculous world-building you need to know: “The alien monsters came out of the ocean and destroyed our cities. We built giant robots. We didn’t invest in really big cannons with loads of firepower to put along the coastlines--we invented and then built astronomically expensive robots with tons of moving parts, and barely any firepower (some of them actually use giant swords). And we didn’t make them remote controlled--there has to be people in them. And not just one person, 'cuz they would get a bloody nose. So TWO people have to use them. But since they’re both controlling the robot simultaneously, they have to link to each other psychically and share all their deepest fears and most horrible memories while fighting giant monsters in their giant robots. And we won every fight. Until we didn’t. And now everything has changed…”

We then see the main character, who I will call White Guy #1 (all the white guys in this movie look the same, but after a while you start to tell them apart), and his brother, White Guy #2, fighting a monster, who manages to rip White Guy #2 right out of the robot’s head. White Guy #1 still manages to beat the monster. Fast forward five years and White Guy #1 is approached by his old giant-robot boss, who I will refer to as Black Guy:

White Guy #1: “I can’t go back to being a giant robot pilot. I can’t do that again. Not ever. Not again. Never. I’ll never, never, NEVER do that again.”

Black Guy: “We all die someday. Come die in a big robot.”

White Guy #1: “Okay!”

He then goes to a base in Hong Kong, which houses the last four giant robots left. Luckily, rather than attacking the now-defenseless cities of the world, all the giant monsters that come through the portal make a beeline for Hong Kong. But before any of that happens you get an hour of character “development.” White Guy #1 meets White Guys #3 and #4. They add nothing to the plot but do manage some confusion, as they look just like White Guys #1 and #2. 

White Guy #1 also meets Japanese Girl, who he fights with sticks, enabling him to discern that he is psychically compatible with her. (I assume these stick fights will replace online dating in the future.) Then Black Guy says, “She’s not ready to be a pilot. I’ll never let you pilot a giant robot with her. That’s impossible. It will never, ever, EVER happen.” Then the next morning he’s like, “Suit up, Japanese Girl!” and she’s his new copilot. 

Then some other short-lived story obstacles keep them from fighting more monsters for another twenty minutes. Along the way, nobody obeys a single thing that Black Guy tells them to do. Then you get the second monster fight. Then there is another half hour of nothing (there might have been something, but I probably slept through it), then they have their big last fight. Somewhere along the line the most annoying scientists in the history of cinema figure out some stuff and the guy who played Hellboy pops up acting like a sixth-grade bully. And that’s it. Three big fights in two and half hours. 

Many people who saw this film in theaters said that while the movie was kind of dumb, and the plot simple, and the dialogue bad, they still liked it because…“It has giant robots fighting giant monsters! What’s not to like?!” Well, that argument might have worked on me when I was twelve years old, but these days I guess I expect a little more out of my movies. It’s just Power Rangers with a budget. Power Rangers mixed with Independence Day. With the interpersonal skills of Top Gun thrown in for good measure.

10 comments:

DMcWild said...

HB should be paid big money by the movie industry to stop crap like this from ever being made.

Great review. I thought the premise was dumb and the director over rated so I never watched it.

Jessie Oliveros said...

That's awesome, Krista. Your husband sounds like he'd be a lot of fun to watch movies with.

Ryan Hancock said...

Ha! Love this review. I actually liked the movie, but I agree with many of his points. :) My wife, on the other hand was sooo bored.

Bethie said...

That was great! I actually made it through your post--which is more than I can say for the movie. Glad to know I really didn't miss much.

Kathleen Basi said...

Hilarious!

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

Greg wants to see that just to hear the voice of the robots. It's the same voice from one of his favorite video games and he's got that real nerd streak in him.

Melodie Wright said...

Totally agree. The only movie with worse editing is Man of Steel.

Leslie S. Rose said...

Think I'll wait for cable. Thanks for the heads up.

Karen Clayton said...

I haven't seen this one yet. Not really my cup of tea. My boys wanted to see it badly though, but they are still a bit too young. Or least most of them.

Krista Van Dolzer said...

Thanks for your comments, all! And thanks for reading with Honey Bear's tongue-in-cheek tone in mind:)