Wednesday, November 6, 2013

An Agent's Inbox #4

John,

I have been following you on Twitter for a while now and was happy to hear that you are now acquiring picture book manuscripts along with the other genres that I write. Thank you for considering my picture book, DAISY’S DONUT DRESS.

Daisy is a little girl who loves dresses: rainbow dresses, twirly dresses, and pretty, sparkly princess dresses. There is only one thing Daisy loves as much as dresses: donuts. If only she didn't have to stop playing to eat them!

One day she has the most wonderful, exciting idea: a donut dress. But Daisy discovers a donut dress isn't all chocolate and sprinkles.

DAISY’S DONUT DRESS is a 417 word picture book for early readers, emphasizing opposites, textures, and problem solving.  

I write for KSL.com and review books for Deseret News and Bookalicious.org. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in journalism from Utah State University.

Thank you for your time,
T.C.


DAISY'S DONUT DRESS

Daisy loves dresses.

She loves striped dresses, and spotted dresses.

Straight dresses and twirly dresses.

And lots and lots of layers dresses.

Daisy loves rainbow dresses and black and white dresses.

Long dresses and short dresses.

And pretty, sparkly, princess dresses.

The only thing Daisy loves as much as dresses

Are donuts.

Donuts are her favorite treat.

One day, Daisy takes a break from spinning and curtsying to eat a donut,

And she has the most wonderful, exciting idea.

“Mommy!” she said.  “Do you know what dress I would love to have?”

“What’s that, Daisy Dear?” her mommy answered.

“A donut dress!”

“That is a good idea, Daisy.”

Daisy knew just what her donut dress would look like.

“It will have chocolate donuts for sleeves,” Daisy told her mother.

“And sugar donuts for the top.”

“Sprinkled donuts for the skirt,”

“And jelly donuts for jeweled buttons.”

“That sounds delicious, Daisy,” her mommy said, smiling.

“Exactly,” Daisy said. “Anytime I get hungry,

I’ll just take a bite of my dress.”

“I bet you wouldn’t even have to stop playing for breakfast, lunch, snacks or dinner.”

“You're right,” Daisy said.  “My donut dress will be the best idea ever!”

Except, Daisy thought,

Maybe when she invited her friends over to play with dolls

Or read her books,

Would they just want to eat her donut dress instead?

Stella would love the sprinkles, more than Daisy’s doll.

Macy wouldn’t even notice all the dress-ups with her face stuck in maple bars.

3 comments:

nwharrisbooks said...

Having two young children of my own, I've read lots of picture books lately. This one really looks like a winner. It's funny how in just reading the text, I was visualizing all kinds of great illustrations, maybe some of those 3D things in the book that the kids can touch and play with. All good except now I really want a donut! Maybe not the ideal book for diabetics... The only complaint I have is I don't like how the query starts with "John," I expect you were just shooting for something to make you stand out, but it seems a little to unprofessional unless you know the agent personally. Otherwise, I wouldn't change a thing. Awesome job!!!

John C. said...

Donut dress! I love this idea, and it certainly lends itself to some fun illustrations.

My concern is that this story feels very cerebral-- in that most of the action takes place in Daisy's head. She does a lot of *thinking* (at least in this first half) and I'd like to see her acting more. Is there a way to externalize the conflict? Perhaps Daisy owns or makes a donut dress, tries it on, wears it around, and hilarity ensues?

I'd also suggest tightening up the opening lines. We want to get to the donut dress as quickly as possible (that's the fun part!) and the descriptions of Daisy's normal dresses, and her conversation with Mom, felt overly-long, to me.

-J

Author Amok said...

I love the idea of Daisy *making* and wearing a donut dress. Imagine who or what might follow her around?

I'd suggest changing these lines to past tense: "One day, Daisy takes a break from spinning and curtsying to eat a donut, And she has the most wonderful, exciting idea" as the rest of the text (from that point on) is in past.