Wednesday, November 6, 2013

An Agent's Inbox #20

Dear Mr. Cusick:

I’m submitting this story because from what I read you like mystery, humour and fairy tales. My story has all three.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE MISSING BEARS is a 425-word picture book mystery for ages four-and-up. This story takes place after Goldilocks initial encounter with the Bear family. Goldilocks arrives for breakfast and finds the house empty. Cast into the role of detective, she must discover what folded pyjamas, a broken beehive and a recipe for porridge have in common if she has any hopes of rescuing her missing bear friends.

I hold a diploma in Professional Writing from Grant MacEwan University. I’m a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators and The Writers’ Guild of Alberta.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
R.J.T.


GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE MISSING BEARS

Goldilocks stumbled up a familiar scene, but this time she had an invitation to breakfast.

“Baby Bear. Mama Bear. Papa Bear,” she called.
No one answered.

Strange, thought Goldilocks.  She slipped inside to investigate.

In the kitchen a pot of porridge bubbled. Mama’s bowl was in pieces.
In the living room the TV blared. Papa’s chair lay on its side.

Upstairs their rooms were clean, too clean. Even Baby Bear’s pyjamas were folded neatly on his bed.

Doubly strange. Goldilocks knew something had happened to her bear friends. 

5 comments:

Author Amok said...

I thought this was a great spin on Goldilocks, especially the "invitation to breakfast." I might include, in your letter's opening line, where you read that the agent is seeking mystery, humor and fairy tales.

Kim Van Sickler said...

I like your short and sweet query, but am wondering where you read that the agent is looking for all three of the characteristics you listed. (I think people like to know where you heard/learned about them too. It helps them figure out which PR venues they get the most bang from their buck on or if you're BSing.)

Clever spin-off of the original tale. Simple things: you're missing the word "Bear" in the title and "up" in the first line should be "upon".

I would like to see one more line after she thinks it's strange that no one answers and before she investigates. Something like her checking her watch to see that she's arrived at the correct time and referencing back to the form of the original invitation and what it said.

Ditto, I'd like one more line between the "Doubly strange" and her concluding something had happened.

I think children will enjoy trying to solve your mystery starring familiar characters. Good job!

Ravina Patt said...

I’d love to read this sequel to the original Goldilocks story and I bet my kids will love this. Your title is great! I also like that she had an invitation to the breakfast.

John C. said...

What a fun idea! I think you might benefit from playing up the film noir / girl-detective angle, for humor. Title-wise, what about "GOLDILOCKS AND THE CASE OF THE THREE MISSING BEARS" for instance?

One small point: picture book texts must be especially precise and stringent. Perhaps we don't need "Goldilocks knew," only, "Something had happened to her friends!"

-J

Rena J. Traxel said...

Thanks so much for all the comments. Thanks to Krista for putting this together.