Wednesday, September 19, 2012

An Agent's Inbox #15

Dear Ms. Marini,

Superpowers and daydreams don’t mix, especially when saving a planet.

Thirteen year old Jimmy Ranfaz is the best at everything he does, all in his daydreams. So, when his psychic superpowers activate, he does great things, terrible...yes...but great. With him endangering every living thing on Earth, destiny crashes his door when the tree-descended humans of Ulfitron herald him as the reincarnation of their previous saviour against the warring world of Tyzet, who threaten to wipe the Ulfitronians clean off the planet.

Jimmy crashes and burns through his training, earning merit badges in mediocrity and frustration. His dreams of being the all-conquering superhero are shattered when he barely survives a massive assault by Tyzet. Saddled with a powerful Ulfitronian trainee, whose condescension drives Jimmy up a wall; he sets out to find the legendary trees which gave incredible power to his predecessor.

But within the journey lies a deep deception, which not only betrays him as a decoy for his partner but also brings out a chilling truth: he is the villain reincarnated. With the attack threatening Ulfitron days away, Jimmy must decide whether to die saving thousands of Ulfitronians who betrayed him or pursue the quest for the legendary trees and the unlimited power he always dreamed of.

AVERAGELY EXTRAORDINARY is a 68,000 word MG Sci-Fi guide for choosing quirky, inefficient and altogether useless superheroes. With a unique look into the world of space-time continuum, I hope the nerdy explanations of new naturalx laws in the novel will pique your interest.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind Regards,


“Blast it! I’ll be late,” Jimmy swore, looking at his watch. As he turned away from the window, the sleeve of his polo caught. He tugged and it tore.

He directed a death glare towards the window sill, but saw nothing which could’ve snagged it.

I don’t have time for this. Jimmy rushed out of his room and jumped down half the flight of stairs.

“Young man, how many times have I told you not to do that? Start behaving like you’re thirteen.” His mother’s voice barely registered, as he dashed outside.

I can’t be late today. Not today. C’mon, seven minutes, I can do it.

He skipped past the slew of morning joggers dodging left and right while twisting in mid-jumps to avoid the mailboxes and benches.

He accelerated. Blood pumped through his veins and his heart thumped. Hands like sharp knives cut through the wind and legs in perfect sync pound the ground at increasing intervals. He overtook Carl Lewis. He thrust forward. Past Owens! Just one to beat. He was gaining. Level now. His eyes watered with his last burst of strength. He neared the finish line. And...

He crashed into a garbage can, tripped and went flying through the air skidding to the end of a kerb. His knees hurt and his glasses were skewed and balanced precariously on the bridge of his nose.

People stopped to look at him. Some muttered about carelessness while other teenagers groaned about garbage cans being kept at all the wrong places.


Suja said...

I love the voice and the humor. That, by itself, was enough to keep me interested all the way through. The query was a bit confusing, probably with all the names. But I suck at query writing, so don't mind me.
I love the first 250. Exactly what my 11 year old will attempt.

Anonymous said...

I agree that the query was confusing, particularly the last sentence in the second paragraph. I had to read it twice to only kind of understand what was going on. And I know this might be nit-picky, but I just have to point out that the line "He does great things, terrible...yes...but great," will forever be synonymous with Harry Potter. So when I read it here, it just felt out of place.

However, I loved the sample writing. I felt like the voice fit his age and it opens with enough tension for the reader to continue on to see if he makes it on time or if something else besides a garbage can gets in the way. I'd keep reading.

Kristen Wixted said...

I love the garbage can part at the end, too. Did you spell curb "kerb" on purpose?

This one has a lot of spirit in the voice. That isn't easy to do! I like it.

Carmen said...

LOVE the voice and humor in both the query and the sample! This would definitely be a book I'd pick up.

My only suggestion is to change the word "great" in the 2nd paragraph of the query. Great and terrible really don't seem like they can go together. I'd use "extraordinary" instead as not only does it tie into the title then (which I love), but it makes more sense as well.

Good luck with this. Sounds like a ton of fun!

Victoria Marini said...

I think the voice here is sweet and engaging, but I did have some concerns about the query. It can be very confusing both because it feels like there's a lot crammed into a little space, and because there are certain elements that simply aren't clear. For example, "With him endangering every living thing on Earth, destiny crashes his door" - what exactly does that mean? How is he endangering lives? What occurs that evokes his "destiny?"

And then this: "which not only betrays him as a decoy for his partner but also brings out a chilling truth: he is the villain reincarnated," firs confused me and second spoils quite a bit. I think it might have been fun to leave me wondering whether or not Jimmy is the villain, not tell me outright.

Thank you!