Thursday, March 29, 2018

An Agent's Inbox #3

Dear Agent,

Imagine that there’s another you out there somewhere--or three other yous. When 12-year old Cecilia’s parents announce their divorce, Cecilia thinks the worst thing imaginable has happened. Then her favorite science teacher, Ms. Z, is kidnapped by Ms. Y, a mysterious look alike who needs Ms. Z to reprogram the universe she came from. Their counterpart, the eccentric Ms. X, promises Cecilia adventure and the possibility of happiness in another universe if she accompanies her to save Ms. Z--and Cecilia says yes. 

They are transported via a black hole to a simulated universe almost identical to this one--almost. Cecilia is enthralled by the similarities as well as the differences. Everything here is greener and cleaner, and when she meets her family, they seem so much happier. Only things aren’t always as they appear, and as Cecilia and Vera, the simulated universe’s version of herself, try to track down Ms. Z, she learns that sometimes the worst thing imaginable turns out to be not so bad. 

Cecilia travels from universe to universe seeing her life play out in a variety of ways and getting to know facets of herself she’d previously ignored. Vera proves to be a great friend, while Alexandra, from Ms. Y’s universe, is a bastion of misery. Meanwhile, Ms. X seems lost between hero and foil, and Ms. Y seems to be doing everything mathematically possible to make capture impossible.

A Blip in the Universe is a 53,000 word middle grade science-fiction novel. I have included the first 250 words. I have a degree in English with a concentration in Creative Writing, and work as a freelance writer. I love physics, and had as much fun researching for this book as I did writing it. 

Thanks for your consideration,
M. R.


A BLIP IN THE UNIVERSE

On a Thursday so gray that the world looked like the backdrop of a black and white movie, Cecilia Parker still believed that she was the only Cecilia Parker in existence. This wasn’t true, of course; there were many versions of Cecilia Parker in many different universes, but Cecilia had no way of knowing this. 

Not yet, anyway.

As she did every morning on her walk to school, she prepared herself for the day. She would arrive at the school eleven-and-a-half minutes after leaving her house, and she would keep her head down from the moment she stepped on school property until she reached the evergreen-painted front doors. She would ignore the small huddled groups of fellow seventh-graders, she would pretend she didn’t hear their whispers as she passed. Twenty-seven seconds later, she would open her locker, place in it her backpack and lunch, and withdraw from it her Algebra and Literature books, as well as her brown-paper covered reading book. Focusing on the black diamond pattern on the linoleum floors, she would walk to her classroom, find her desk, sit down without catching her feet on any of the metallic chair legs, and open her reading book until homeroom started. She would not become so enthralled with her book that she was unaware that the bell rang and the teacher was taking attendance. She would pinch herself repeatedly to keep this from happening, to avoid that awful moment when the entire class yelled, “Cecilia!” at the same time and then laughed at her expense.

6 comments:

Holly C. said...

Hi M.R.
This story sounds super fun. It reminds me of A Wrinkle in Time and Anna to the Infinite Power that I read as a kid. I don't have a lot of advice for you, your query was easy to understand and makes me curious as to how these worlds are different and what causes them to exist. Is it a coming of age, discover yourself book, or is there action where Cecilia has to save the day.
Good luck - HC

Kathi said...

Hi,
Cecilia's adventure sounds like so much fun. I love that you put it right out there that there are "many versions of Cecelia Parker in many different universes." I also, as a teacher, love the idea of a teacher being kidnapped and taken to fix a universe!

I was a little bit confused reading the names Ms. X, Ms. Y, and Ms. Z. While I'm pretty sure it won't be an issue in the narrative, in the query I couldn't keep them straight. For better or worse, they also reminded me of Wrinkle in Time.

You've set up this first chapter Cecilia as a bit of an outcast, clearly. I'll count on learning more in the next paragraphs - whether she's just very introverted or whether she's being bullied.

best,

Kathi

Krista Van Dolzer said...

You've got an interesting premise here, but I think your query gets bogged down in the second and third paragraphs. The first sentence in your second paragraph would be stronger if you got rid of the passive voice by changing it to something like "A black hole transports them to a simulated universe..." or "They travel via a black hole to a simulated universe..." Also, how specifically do Cecilia and Vera try to track down Ms. Z on the first alternate world, and what happens to make Cecilia conclude that "sometimes the worst thing imaginable turns out to be not so bad"?

Then in the third paragraph, the search for Ms. Z takes a backseat to Cecilia's self-discovery. It isn't a bad thing that your story has multiple layers--it's actually really good--but in the query, I'd stay focused on your main plot and only hint at the layers so as not to confuse agents.

As for your first page, some readers might find it too low-key, but I enjoyed the voice and how you followed through on the promise of the very first line. It painted a nice picture in our heads, but then you reinforced it by the way you described a typical day for Cecilia. My only concern is that the tense in that third paragraph might not be doing you any favors. Would this paragraph sound even better if you got rid of all the "woulds" and just stuck with normal past tense? The problem is most jarring in the second to last sentence: we start with "She would not become so enthralled with her book," then switch to normal past tense with "she was unaware" and "the teacher was taking attendance." It seems like every verb should have a "would" in that third paragraph or none of them should.

Best of luck to you and A BLIP IN THE UNIVERSE!

M.R. said...

This is great feedback. Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to read and comment!

brinestone said...

Sorry, I have been busy and never got my third comment in. I hope you see it. :)

To start with, I LOVE your opening line (of the book). Great hook.

I agree with Krista that your query goes into too much detail and doesn't have clear enough conflict and stakes. Despite this, I think it sounds like an interesting and fun book.

I also agree that the last paragraph of the sample got a bit bogged down in wording. In addition to the "would" thing that Krista mentioned, I had to reread "place in it her" four times before I figured out it was "in it" not "it in." It felt a little stilted, and maybe the problem could be avoided if you just put the "in it" at the end of the phrase (place her X in it).

I also like the detail of Alexandra being a "bastion of misery." I have a feeling that would be really funny, a la Sadness in INSIDE OUT.

THE AGENT said...

I love the Wrinkle in Time element to this story! I think you do a good job in the first half of the query, describing a complex plot (things do get tricky when there are multiple universes!) though I would delete the first sentence, which is dissimilar in tone to the rest of the letter.

We lose site of the plot and lose some momentum with "...as Cecilia and Vera, the simulated universe’s version of herself, try to track down Ms. Z, she learns that sometimes the worst thing imaginable turns out to be not so bad." This makes the story seem low-stakes, when I want to be invested in the conflict, and to know what the main conflict is.

"Cecilia travels from universe to universe seeing her life play out in a variety of ways and getting to know facets of herself she’d previously ignored. Vera proves to be a great friend, while Alexandra, from Ms. Y’s universe, is a bastion of misery. Meanwhile, Ms. X seems lost between hero and foil, and Ms. Y seems to be doing everything mathematically possible to make capture impossible."

This paragraph is more focused on the adults, when in an MG novel, I'm much more interested in our young lead. Again, I want to know what the conflict will be. Right now, it sounds like Cecelia is on a mostly fun adventure learning about herself, which is nice but not terribly compelling. What happens if she can't find Ms. X? Are there terrible worlds lurking out there? How will she get home, and does she want to?

I like how the opening scene establishes the rhythm and extreme predictability of Cecelia's day--but I would want to see it disrupted pretty quickly after this!