I’m querying my upper middle-grade novel, BEING THE QUEEN. When thirteen-year-old Sabrina Tate finds out she can compete to be crowned queen of her school’s medieval feast, she thinks this might be the chance she’s been looking for: away to stand up to mean girl Kayleigh Andrews, a way to show her parents she’s just as talented as her big sister Audrey, and, possibly, an opportunity to talk to the cute boy in her English class, Jameson Bradley. After all, the competition only asks her to read books, watch movies, and show up to a few rehearsals--how hard can that be?
The competition isn’t as straightforward as Sabrina thinks. Kayleigh’s also set her sights on the crown, and what Kayleigh wants, she gets. Jameson seems more interested in Kayleigh than he is in Sabrina, and other students might be cheating to get ahead in the competition. As Sabrina reads more and more about the Arthurian legends that inspired the feast, she finds herself increasingly identifying with her research subject, Elaine of Astolat, an outsider to Camelot. Sabrina can’t help seeing her own fate as an outsider reflected in Elaine’s story, and she worries that she’s not brave enough, smart enough, or creative enough to win this competition. However, she desperately wants to win, believing that winning will be the sign she needs to show herself, Kayleigh, and her family that she’s important and that she matters. Although the competition to be queen doesn’t turn out entirely as Sabrina expects (or hopes), in the process of competing for the crown, Sabrina discovers that stories--including her own--aren’t always straightforward, that revenge doesn’t always work the way you expect, and, finally, that she can be braver than she thinks.
As a junior high student, I participated in a similar medieval feast. Although the characters and most of the events in this story are fictitious, the backdrop for the story stems from real experience.
This story is complete at 61,000 words. Thank you for your consideration!
Sincerely,
R.E.
BEING THE QUEEN
Looking at me, no one would have thought that I had anything in common with historic royalty. But I did. Take, for example, King Arthur. He was an unknown boy called Wart when he pulled a sword from a stone and became king. Or Queen Elizabeth. She was an overlooked second daughter until she faced her father’s court armed with nothing more than words and her father’s red hair--and became queen. And while my dad didn’t marry my mom after killing her first husband (Arthur) or marry six different women (Elizabeth), like Arthur and Elizabeth, I was tired of being ignored. I wanted to matter. Winning a crown seemed like a good way to do that.
Arthur’s story started when he went to
It started like this. On Saturday, my mom took me to get a back-to-school haircut.
7 comments:
I really, really like the connection to Arthurian legend. It seems like this gives your novel a nice grounding in a solid tradition, which you seem to bring into the very real world of middle school in a way that makes sense and will intrigue readers.
In your query letter, I think you give a good sense of your main character and the issues she faces. Also, you do a particularly good job of showing the significance of the Camelot stories, particularly Elaine.
Just a couple of writing issues: I don't think your first sentence is necessary. Since t's a query letter, you don't need to say that you are querying, though you do need to provide the title. Also, I found there to be a little repetition in your main paragraph--for example, you repeat the list of people she hopes to impress.
The first 250 words were good, and I'd like to keep reading, which is a good sign. I think you could shift the balance toward more showing and less telling, although even your telling has a nice voice to it.
The first part of the sentence that begins "And while my dad..." seems dense to me, and I'm not sure you need to provide the mini-history lesson on Arthur and Elizabeth. As a reader, I'm completely following the connection you make, and this heavy sentence just slows me down.
I love the sentence, "I'm much better at hiding in plain sight." It's short, effective, and tells me a lot about the character.
I really like the premise--that an ordinary girl can identify with ancient royalty and plot her life lessons by their stars. The query works, too, though you may want to go through and watch for typos (I caught one) and repetition.
The story...seems to start with a history lesson. I like the glimpses of voice, and I'm predisposed from what little I see to like the character. But, I need a sense of place, time, and character before diving into all the history. Especially since the history is just a bit suspect--Elizabeth's upbringing was just as good as Mary's, and she had just as many supporters in court, prior to Mary taking the crown. But, I digress. Maybe the story could start with the hair cut, and the info could fall in as needed?
I think the 2nd paragraph needs to be condensed. You repeat things you’ve already said, only in different ways. “ … she finds herself increasingly identifying with her research subject, Elaine of Astolat, an outsider to Camelot.” The very next sentence seems to say the same thing.
“However, she desperately wants to win, believing that winning will be the sign she needs to show herself, Kayleigh, and her family that she’s important and that she matters” (We know this already from the 1st paragraph too.)
Although the competition to be queen doesn’t turn out entirely as Sabrina expects (or hopes), in the process of competing for the crown, Sabrina discovers that stories--including her own--aren’t always straightforward, that revenge doesn’t always work the way you expect, and, finally, that she can be braver than she thinks. (This should be a new paragraph. Also it’s one LONG sentence that is quite wordy. It just needs to be rewritten. For example: you don’t need “in the process of competing for the crown.”)
You manuscript has the same issues in my opinion. Needs paragraph breaks.
I also would start with the action. You can always mix in the story legends as you go along, but get going with the action first.
I like your idea of the story set during the medeival feast. Sounds interesting.
What I liked about this was its connection to Arthurian legend--and the whole idea of a "medieval tournament" sounds cool.
Like others, I think there's too much talk about the history in the first 250, and it's delivered without much voice. Where things get more interesting are the lines "My quest for a crown started the first day of eighth grade, the day I hid from Kayleigh Andrews in the girl’s bathroom. I don’t usually hide in bathrooms. I’m much better at hiding in plain sight." More "voice," so start from there?
I too like the premise here and it sounds like a great story of finding confidence within a family unit and at school.
I also spotted a few minor typos too. These should be eliminated in a query and first page. You wrote 'Dear agent', which should be 'Agent'. And in the second sentence you need a space between a and way because you wrote 'away to stand up to...'.
I agree with the above comments, especially about tightening this query to 2 shorter paragraphs. The very first sentence in your query is quite long even if split by a colon. Consider breaking it down for better flow. For example: Being crowned queen of the school’s medieval feast might just be the chance thirteen-year-old Sabrina Tate has been looking for. As queen she can give Kayleigh Andrews a little dose of her own nastiness (Or she'll make nasty little Kayleigh Andrews scrub floors all afternoon as payback for all her torment - show the inner drama queen of your teen character), show her parents she’s just as talented as her big sister Audrey, and steal a kiss from the cute boy in her English class (no need to mention his name as he's not central to the plot and you need to minimize names in your query to mainly your protagonist and antagonist and maybe one other pivotal character of the journey).
I really like the way you started your first 250 words with the comparisons to famous Kings and Queens. Except in your second paragraph you say that Sabrina is hiding in the bathroom, and she doesn't get notices, yet Kayleigh noticed Sabrina's bad haircut. I'd reword this. It also reads as very telling and not showing. Perhaps show the reader about the toilets. Sabrina smells the stench of disinfectant, she lays crusty toilet paper on the seat and sits, her ears are flapping like elephant's ears for the sound of Kayleighs whiny drawl, Sabrina strokes her bad hair do, gritting her teeth about her mum making her get the haircut and all the trouble it's causing with Kayleigh. This helps the reader connect with your protagonist and get inside their head, feel their embarrassment at hiding from the school bully in the toilets of all places.
Good luck!
I, too, like the idea of the Arthurian legend tie in. Something a little different!
I found the query to be too long. As others have said, you can remove the repetition in the second paragraph about what she wants to win. And I'd try ending the second paragraph with a more active "what's at stake?" kind of ending. What revenge? Why does she need to be brave? These are much more action-packed ideas. Give us something concrete with these rather than abstract.
As for the first 250, I also agree that you need to start with the story, not the backstory. A bad haircut and hiding in the bathroom is much more likely to draw readers in and keep them reading than a history lesson.
The premise feels really fresh and fun, but the query itself is a bit ponderous; the long paragraphs made me want to stop reading almost immediately, even though the content was interesting. The opening paragraphs feel much the same way--long blocks of text and heavy with internal moments and backstory. For a MG novel, 60+K is also very long in word count. I would focus on trimming and tightening all around to enhance this great story concept.
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