Dear “The Agent”,
Riding the Dam is
an almost all true humorous coming-of-age story told mainly from the point of
view of ten-year-old Allan. The setting is
San Angelo, Texas
in the late 1940s where stories of Comanche Indian raids still permeate boys’
recess tales and a perfect day is spent riding on your best friend’s handlebars
while looking for the next big adventure. It’s a much simpler time where the
biggest fear is getting squealed on by Fatsy Patsy, riding a bucking horse, and
losing the best storyteller in
San
Angelo contest.
While this is the first novel I have written, I have twenty
publications in peer-reviewed academic journals. I have published in journals
such as
Professional
School Counseling Journal, Journal of Individual
Psychology, Journal of Primary Prevention, Journal of Mental Health Counseling,
and the magazine,
ASCA School Counselor.
I also write a blog, momslifeponderings.wordpress.com. I taught for thirteen
years at
Georgia State
University in the
College of Education
where I trained school counselors and I have been a high school math and
psychology teacher. Currently, I am a school counselor with the largest school
system in the Southeast. The boy in
Riding
the Dam is my father.
I know you are
extremely busy and I thank you for reading this query and the first 250 words
of my novel. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
D.E.
RIDING THE DAM
I grew up in
San
Angelo, Texas in the
late 1940s, early 50s. Back then
San Angelo, the
county seat for
Tom
Green County,
had a population of 50,000.
San Angelo is
located in West Texas at the convergence of the
North
Concho River,
the
Middle Concho
River, and the
South
Concho River,
which together form, believe it or not, the
Concho River.
San Angelo is the home of
Fort Concho.
Fort Concho
was built in 1867 and was the home of the 10th
Calvary.
The
Calvary’s job was to protect the stage and
mail line, escort cattle drives, and protect the townsfolk from Indian attack--primarily
Comanche.
Fort
Concho closed in 1889
when the railroad arrived in town. It was thought that with the railroad came
civilization and no need for the
Calvary. Too
bad that civilized living didn’t come sooner for old Mr. Mann. He was one of
our neighbors and he had a huge scar on his right arm. He said it was from a
Comanche arrow when he was a boy. My friend and I tried to get him to tell us
how it happened, but he never would talk much about it. I guess he thought the
less he said, the more mysterious it would seem. He was right. The Fort still
stands today--only now it’s a museum.
San Angelo, and most of West Texas,
is hot and dry about nine months out of the year.
6 comments:
Your query should be written in the same tone as your MS. It should introduce your character, his goal, his conflict, and how he plans to acheive his goal. I didn't get any of that from your query.
Your MS starts out like a history lesson. Start with your MC on one of his adventures. You are clearly a talented writer. You need dialogue. You need action. You need shorter paragraphs. You just have to let go of your desire to teach through writing and go for entertainment instead. (You can sneak a lesson in on the side and the kids will never know if you do it right.)
Hi, D.E.,
I agree with Janice that you are obviously a skilled writer, but there are a lot of items missing from your query. How long is this novel? What genre is it? MG, YA? Who is the main character? What is the plot?
The query should be less of an explaination and more of a snipet, if that makes any sense. A good way to find ways to construct a query is look at the back of novels in your genre.
If this is a middle grade novel then the first sentence immediately puts me in the mind of an old man. If it's the late 1940's early 50's then let the reader discover that through clothing, setting, and dialogue. We should meet the MC on page one and he should be doing something. Currently, the query and the first page is a lot of telling and there should be more showing.
I do think you are a talented writer, and I think this is probably an interesting story, you just need to let us see it. Hope that helps!
I love the premise for this, since historical fiction is my passion, but the query didn't really make it clear what the plot or story is. I don't mind a bit of explanatory narrative in the beginning of a book (I've read a lot of older books that do that instead of jumping immediately into action), but I think it could be even stronger if it opened by introducing the story and telling us a little bit about the character.
Query writing is a course in itself! It's difficult even when you think you know what you're supposed to be doing! Check out some websites that feature query writing. There's heaps out there! Query Shark.
Critique Circle. Google them and more.
The idea of the query is to make an agent want to read your story, entice them with just enough to make them want it! You have more details in this query about yourself then your actual story, and it's the story that will sell them!
I love that you're wanting to tell such a personal story and capture a time that has past. I just love that, but you have to tell us about the story, not the little details yet. Those will fill your pages not your query.
As for your opening page, it sounded like an adult recalling another time, which I believe is what you're doing, but if this is supposed to be told from the POV of a ten year old, you have to capture that ten year old voice inside you and let it rip!
I wish you the very best of luck with this. I truly think it's a wonderful idea, and a wonderful way of keeping that little parcel of time alive!
Best, Linda
I think you need to give a little more story detail in the query. You have introduced the character and setting, but less about what actually goes on in the story.
The opening chapters feel a bit talky and focus on scene-setting rather than putting us into the head of the main character. The result feels a bit dry and could use an infusion of voice.
Thanks all! Your feedback helps greatly. I'm looking forward to revising with your comments in mind.
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