I know, I know, long time, no blog. What can I say? It's 2020. But one of the many things I've been working on this year is an MG contemporary that I'm rather in love with and that I intend to query. ("Oh, no!" you're probably thinking if you've been around the blog for any length of time. "What happened with you and Brent?" Nothing really, and therein lay the problem. I think we both knew it was time to move on.) As such, I'd love to get your feedback on the first query I've written in almost five years. First draft below!
Dear [Insert Agent Here]:
Twelve-year-old Ingrid Adler really doesn’t like her aunt. She’s a know-it-all, she’s rude, and worst of all, she left the faith. Then Ingrid’s mom passes away, and her aunt nobly volunteers to help her dad take care of her. She’d much rather have her mom.
She avoids her helpful aunt by reading her mom’s diaries. They’re spontaneous and fun, everything her aunt is not. They also reveal a handful of her mom’s last wishes--to help Ingrid know her birth mom and to ride a roller coaster.
Ingrid dislikes roller coasters as much as she hates her aunt, but she also wants to be as courageous as her mom. When her aunt reads the diaries, she doesn’t give Ingrid a chance to weigh in on her crazy scheme, just organizes a massive cross-country road trip on the fly. With her grieving dad in tow, Ingrid grudgingly sets out to ride the baddest roller coasters between here and the Atlantic. But will this roller coaster road trip help her find her birth mom, too?
[TITLE] is an #ownvoices MG contemporary complete at 50,000 words. My previous agent and I parted on amicable terms several months ago, before I finished the first draft. Neither he nor any editors have read this manuscript, and it will be available to submit immediately.
Like Ingrid, I was placed for adoption as an infant and raised in a mixed-race home that was genuine and nurturing. I’ve also recently begun my search for my biological family. Though I’ve identified my birth dad, who was the younger son of a Filipino immigrant and a native Hawaiian, I still haven’t found my birth mom--but I haven’t given up.
I’m also the author of THE SOUND OF LIFE AND EVERYTHING, a Junior Library Guild selection, and THE MULTIPLYING MYSTERIES OF MOUNT TEN, among other MG novels.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
A few other notes: I've included my previous books, including publishers and release dates, in my signature block, which is why I haven't put them in the paragraph above. I just thought this looked less cluttered, but feel free to disagree! Also, while I'm looking for feedback on anything and everything, I'm especially not sold on the last line of the summary. Lastly, if you have any ideas for the title, please, please, please lay them on me. My best two ideas so far are HOW NOT TO FIND YOUR BIRTH MOM and THE SECRETS ROLLER COASTERS KEEP, but I'm not sold on those, either.
All right, then, have at it!
3 comments:
As an adoptive mom, I'm so glad to hear that you're writing a story featuring an adoptive kid. I am too. The world needs more positive stories that feature these kids, especially given all the poor orphan.
Your story sounds great. But I think you should consolidate the first two paragraphs and focus on the road trip, which I think is what most of your story is about. I'm not sure it's a good idea to end the synopsis with a question. If you can describe the stakes for Ingrid better, that might be a better approach.
I love the second title suggestion. I'm not really a fan of the first one.
So sorry to hear about Brent and you. I hope you take advantage of my query critique giveaways that I offer with my agent spotlight interviews and author/agent guest posts at Literary Rambles. You don't have to write anything the agent is looking for or want to be represented by them to enter the contest. I list the upcoming ones at the top of the blog.
Good luck with your agent search and your birth mother search. I hope you find her.
Sorry to hear about your previous agent. Wishing you lots of luck on your new agent hunt.
As for the query, a few thoughts. First, it seems like the crux of your story is around the road trip, but it takes us a few paragraphs to get there. I'd pull this forward and trim some of the beginning that focuses on the aunt. I'm less intrigued by an aunt she doesn't like and more intrigued by her mother's diary that sends her across the country touring roller coasters -- you might consider pulling this into your hook somehow.
Second, it seems like the birth mother is a key to the story given that it's in the last sentence, yet it's only lightly touched on in your second paragraph. The rest focuses on the aunt and the road trip. How does the road trip connect to her birth mother? What is it about this trip that will help them connect? Why is this important? I'd find ways to lay this out more clearly so the last statement of the query has more oomph.
Lastly, I'm not entirely clear what's at stake for Ingrid. Is it finding a sense of family? Self? What happens if she doesn't go on this trip or find her birth mother?
I love the concept of the road trip touring roller coasters--sounds like this will be an emotional and fun read.
Hope this helps, and best of luck again!
Should have said this months ago, but thank you so much for these thoughts, Natalie and SStokes! I really appreciate the feedback and definitely made use of it.
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