Conceived in rape and crippled by lifelong pain, Adria is burdened with an ability to hear people’s thoughts and emotions. Though civilization is full of gifted people, there’s only one man who’s rumored to share her abilities: Edom, their government’s dictator. A man who would hunt her down if he knew he wasn’t the only one.
When Adria’s protector, Hutch is overcome by addiction and takes his own life, his actions catalyze her family’s suffering and push her closer to being discovered. She’s only a silhouette of who she needs to be, but how can she trust herself when she hears everyone else’s voice but never her own?
FreeBird is a YA character-driven-Sci-fi, 107,500-word novel and is the first book in a planned trilogy.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
W.K.
FreeBird is a YA character-driven-Sci-fi, 107,500-word novel and is the first book in a planned trilogy.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
W.K.
FREEBIRD
Chapter One: Adria
"Give me your hand!" The man reached out to Adria, his fat callused fingers stretching for her. Adria kept her arms behind her back, while her eyes flicked around the tent. That was, if anyone could have called it a tent. The entire thing had been jumbled together by hanging curtains and privacy panels, making it more of a hole carved in a trash heap than anything else.
The man dropped his hand and smiled at her. His smile widened for a moment, then he dropped that too. He turned to her teacher.
"Hutch, she has to let me, or I can't do anything for you."
"She can strap herself in," Hutch said.
Hutch gestured toward the table, waiting for Adria, but not looking at her directly. She stared at Hutch, searching for a way to communicate. She had been waiting for this moment for as long as she could remember. This was too important to risk on this man, but Hutch didn't look back. It was one of his dark days again.
The only sound was the hollow hum and repetitive ticks of machinery outside. Factory noises, covering the nearby voices beyond the tent, transforming words into murmurs. Adria didn't have to hear them to understand their meanings. She could already feel their fear and secrets. This wasn’t a respectful place for anyone living under the rule of the Fifth Imperium. This was the public market. If she screamed, no one would come.
Chapter One: Adria
"Give me your hand!" The man reached out to Adria, his fat callused fingers stretching for her. Adria kept her arms behind her back, while her eyes flicked around the tent. That was, if anyone could have called it a tent. The entire thing had been jumbled together by hanging curtains and privacy panels, making it more of a hole carved in a trash heap than anything else.
The man dropped his hand and smiled at her. His smile widened for a moment, then he dropped that too. He turned to her teacher.
"Hutch, she has to let me, or I can't do anything for you."
"She can strap herself in," Hutch said.
Hutch gestured toward the table, waiting for Adria, but not looking at her directly. She stared at Hutch, searching for a way to communicate. She had been waiting for this moment for as long as she could remember. This was too important to risk on this man, but Hutch didn't look back. It was one of his dark days again.
The only sound was the hollow hum and repetitive ticks of machinery outside. Factory noises, covering the nearby voices beyond the tent, transforming words into murmurs. Adria didn't have to hear them to understand their meanings. She could already feel their fear and secrets. This wasn’t a respectful place for anyone living under the rule of the Fifth Imperium. This was the public market. If she screamed, no one would come.
6 comments:
In your query, I get an immediate sense of the disadvantages and the stakes Adria faces. It's clear this is a story of life-and-death survival. I have less of a sense of Adria herself. There are all these pressures acting upon her. I'd like to know more about her actions and her desires, especially since she is the protagonist.
In your first page, a few sentences really pop for me. Describing the "tent" as a hole carved in a trash heap brings immediate imagery and and unpleasant scent. We aren't starting in a safe place. Here, I wonder if you could improve the start by placing emphasis on your named characters instead of a nameless man. I spend a lot of time wondering who he is or if he matters at all compared to the people with actual names. I think there is potential here. For me as a reader, I really look to make a connection with either the characters or the setting from the start. If you can sell me on Adria, you'll have me.
I really like how you've started your query with your MC, and the first paragraph is good. That said, I think you need to flesh out your second paragraph a little more. How does Hutch's suicide "catalyze her family's suffering and push her closer to being discovered"? If Hutch's suicide is the story's inciting incident, then you probably need to answer this question, then expand your summary even further. If Hutch's suicide is more of a turning point that happens about a quarter or a third of the way into the story, then I'd take more time describing the specific events that lead up to his suicide in addition to explaining how it pushes her closer to being discovered.
As for the first page, I think you've done a great job of creating tension and building your world. This is an excellent example of starting your story in the right place, with a conflict-rich scene. Then you don't have to rush, just let the scene develop more organically.
Good luck to you and FREEBIRD!
P.S. Word counts are generally rounded to the nearest thousand, so I'd call this a 108,000-word novel.
Thank you so much for both of your comments, Stephanie and Krista! Very helpful feedback from both of you and I'll be sure to use those thoughts in my next revision!
You've hooked me and this really isn't the kind of book I would normally pick up. I think you are doing your story a disservice by not going just a bit further in the query to let us know more about Adria.
Your first 250 are strong and the sense of place is intriguing. Best of luck with this!
Shelley
Thank you so much Shelley!
The language in your query is really striking, but I wanted more! In my ideal query letter, we learn who the main character is, what they want, what they'll do to get it and what will happen if they fail. I want to know more about who Adria is, outside from the pain under which she was conceived and her ability--who is she as a person, shaped by these circumstances? Is she bitter? In pain, but hopeful? Afraid of discovery, but determined to survive?
The second paragraph is vague on the plot, and focuses on things happening to Adria, more than the actions she herself will undertake in the book. Her protector is dead and her fmaily is suffering, but what does SHE want? What steps is SHE going to take to fix her family/her life/ the world? What is SHE willing to risk? I want a stronger sense of Adria and her journey, since she's the character we'll be rooting for.
The writing in your opening scene is also lovely, and so intense! I'd definitely read on.
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