Dear Awesome Agent,
All girls have hopes. Unfortunately, some hopes die before they
have a chance to bloom.
Eighteen-year-old Mallory’s dream of the perfect senior year
is disintegrating. Her father’s a victim of long-term unemployment, her brother
drags a shadow of misery around the house, and her sister is missing. The only bright
spot left in her life is her boyfriend--that is until she catches his lips
attached to another girl’s at the end-of-summer party. After barely surviving a
disastrous first day of school, Mallory lands at a mini-mart known for selling
more winning lottery tickets than any other store for hundreds of miles.
Desperate for a spot of hope, she’s unable to resist the allure of playing the
biggest game of chance.
As Mallory’s senior year continues to unravel, she becomes increasingly
dependent on her lottery hope. Each set of tickets gifts her with a dream of a
different life, one in which new adventures replace the suffering that
surrounds her. Soon, though, her lottery pipe dream becomes an absolute necessity,
and Mallory’s habits and hopes lead her astray.
With a little help from a new friend--the tough yet totally hot
transfer student who’s got struggles of his own--Mallory just may see that a jackpot
win isn’t the only magic the lottery delivers.
HOPE IN BLOOM is a contemporary YA novel complete at 72,000 words.
I am an English teacher--spending my days immersed in the joys, problems, and
dreams of young adults--and a believer in my own lottery dreams. I’m also a member
of SCBWI and CBW-LA and a new member of the She Writes community.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. The first 250
words are included below, and the completed manuscript is available upon request.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
L.H.
HOPE IN BLOOM
I should have worn the emerald green shirt, the one with the
ribbon of rainbow embroidery near the neckline. Then maybe things would have gone
differently. That shirt held magic power. It’s the one my boyfriend Ben told me
I was wearing the day he fell in love with me. It’s also the shirt I wore the
day I found out I’d finally made the
varsity cheerleading squad and the one I’d worn on the day I’d gotten my first
‘A’ on a pre-calculus test. That shirt gave me confidence, something I lacked
at times. And I wished that I had worn it to the party that night.
My giant smile led us up the stone walkway toward the front door
of Kyle’s house. Sara, Taylor, and Nicole trailed behind me, gossiping about
something, but I wasn’t interested in my friends’ conversation. My heart somersaulted
in anticipation of seeing Ben. He left for college a month ago, and I missed
him. A lot. I missed that fresh-from-the-dryer smell of the sweatshirt he
always let me wear. And the taste and feel of his soft lips when he kissed me
at the end of our dates. And most of all, I missed his smile, that special
treasure that always melted away my troubles. He was home that weekend for the
end-of-summer party, and we’d be reunited after four long weeks.
At the door, a stoner kid who graduated three years ago stamped
our hands, and we walked inside.
12 comments:
I want to read more of this. Sounds interesting and full of real life experiences. Great twist on YA genre.
Feels very Sarah Dessen-ish. I like it. Plus I've never read a lottery-addict's story. Definetly different. Good luck in the contest!!
I'm intrigued. Gobbled your 1st page. I have a lucky shirt too, so it was fun reading about hers and also knowing how she believes in luck with the lottery stuff in the query.
Good luck!
I agree with Arianna. very Sarah Dessen-like. Nice writing!
Great start to a novel. I love the style so far. The summary of the book sounds very interesting. The lottery fantasy is great. Who hasn't imagined hat their life would be like if they won the lottery? I would like to see how that plays out in a book.
I like this idea and your beginning reminds me of another story I read. Would like to read more...Good Luck!
The query sounds good and the first 250 are just as good... It seems like a great contemporary read (which I love). As was mentioned before, the lottery angle is new and interesting to me so I'd definitely want to read more. :)
Best wishes,
Deserae
I read this at WOC and really like it. My big question is--if this is YA how can she play lotto?? Other than that, I love if!
In California, anyone 18 or older can play the lottery.
I like this query--I think the setup is good, and I like the idea of lottery addiction. I wouldn't have minded seeing a little more of how "Mallory's habits and hopes lead her astray" (some kind of example), but I'm curious enough I would keep reading!
I think it's worth noting, for anyone who's reading through my comments on all the entries, that part of why this query works is because it fits well with the feel of the genre. It's definitely slower-paced than some of the SF/fantasy queries, but that's okay for a contemporary, which is less plot-driven.
I'll admit that I wasn't as excited by the first page as the query. I love the detail of the shirt, but I don't think the foreshadowing of "maybe things would have gone differently" works--it pushes me away from the character and her experiences. I'd rather stay closer in her head, so her voice can come through more clearly. That's a fairly minor point, but honestly, I've found that the first page is usually a pretty good predictor of how the writing in the rest of the book will be, so it's important that the voice be immediately clear.
Hi L.H.,
The query really grabbed my attention, mainly because it's unique. It seems like a simple, heart-warming story, but unique enough to stand out from the pile.
The first page didn't grab my attention as much. It's still really good writing, but I wasn't as intrigued. Maybe get to something a little more exciting/intriguing first, and then put in this info later. Just a suggestion- all in all, good work!
Good luck!
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