Dear Ms. Shea,
Because you are seeking to represent realistic YA novels
with raw psychological grittiness and also coming-of-age stories, I believe you
may be interested in my Contemporary Young Adult novel, Outside In (complete at 52,000 words).
Super-brain Alexis likes everything exactly so. Perfect prep
school grades. School supplies arranged eight inches apart in parallel lines.
Timed phone calls with her mother. Scheduled hook-ups with her boyfriend Ben on
Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. As long as her secret self-destructive
streak is hidden, all is well.
But then Alexis receives a bright red B on an English paper, and endures an excruciating break-up with no
explanation. And now parallel cuts run down her leg an inch apart, one for each
day since Ben broke up with her. She bangs her head, burns herself--anything to
soothe herself and assert some control.
When her friend Miranda accidentally glimpses her scars,
Alexis feels even more trapped. Now she must survive weekly therapy sessions
with a counselor, forced disclosure to her parents, and worst of all: dismissal
from school if she doesn’t get better. It’s up to Alexis to pull herself out of
the mire--if she even wants to.
As an educator and a teacher consultant for the National
Writing Project, I know how much the stories of others can speak to teenagers
trying to make sense of their own lives. Although there have been other novels
about cutting (for example, Patricia McCormick’s Cut and Cheryl Rainfield’s Scars),
Outside In examines the correlation
between perfectionism and self-harm, a survival mechanism for intense pressure.
I am a member of several critique groups and also SCBWI.
Sincerely,
E.R.
OUTSIDE IN
A bright red B. Oh
my G**. My lowest grade ever.
I rubbed my cheek as hard as I could and stuffed the paper
into my binder. I didn’t bother to check the comments--plenty of time to
memorize those later.
My throat closed up and I couldn’t draw a full breath. One
full grade less than an A. My G.P.A.
would sink. Miranda would pass me in class rank.
What would my mother
say?
So stupid.
The bell rang, and Miranda and I headed to the door. Once we
were in the hallway, she burst out, “I got an A! What about you?”
“Mmm,” I said, half-nodding.
She prattled on about her comments and each word stabbed at
my stomach.
I couldn’t listen to her any longer, and escaped to the
bathroom. I made it to the safety of a stall before the dam burst and the tears
started flowing.
Why didn’t I work harder? I didn’t deserve an A anyway. Dummy, lazy, fat moron.
I jerked my left sleeve up. A paper clip would do, one of
those big ones in my English binder. I uncurled the clip, molding the metal
into a straight line. When my sleeve was up all the way, I scraped the clip
back and forth across my fat upper arm until beads of blood popped up.
It wasn’t enough. I scraped four more times, changing the
line into an angular B.
Shame on my body now too. The scratches would burn and
remind me what I’d done. Exactly what I deserved.
7 comments:
I think the query is really effective in pitching the story. I think cutting--especially in correlation to perfectionism--is a timely topic, one we've seen recently with Demi Lovato. And I think you do a great job with your comps. I haven't read Cut, but thought Cheryl Rainfield's Scars was wonderful!
I think the disconnect I'm having is that I just don't "know" Alexis well enough to follow her into her intense, dark secret just yet (or at least not in the first 250). I need to see her as a relatable teen first (albeit, overstressed and a perfectionist).
I think the cutting needs to be built up to (possibly a reveal at the end of the first chapter). I need a scene that shows more of her world first. Especially her friendship with Miranda because I think you duck away too early.
I think with these 250 challenges, we feel like we need to push the most shocking parts of our stories to the front, but in this case, I think you can show so much more about Alexis.
For instance: what happened so that she got the B? Something must have thrown off her game. And I would love to watch the conversation she and miranda have (how it stabs at her stomach). These are great story starters and if you go in and widen these out in the first chapter, it will help the reader (or at least me) better understand the character's reason for cutting.
I agree with Valerie's comments (well said!). This is a timely book and I love the link between the self-injurous behaviour and perfectionism.
There are some instances of telling you might be able to make more subtle. e.g., "She bangs her head, burns herself--anything to soothe herself and assert some control..." "A paper clip would do, one of those big ones in my English binder." (Here you could describe her binder a little - opening the second zipper in the pencil case and taking out the cardboard with the paperclips lines up from largest to smallest - rubber coated on one half of the paper, metal on the other. No ridged metal ones though - they have a tenedency to tear the paper. The biggest metal one would work best - the smaller ones are too hard to unfold and are flimsy... Or something like that! lol)
I presume her mother is not dead since Alexis is having timed phone calls with her. (Or this is another kind of story altogether!) "What would my mother say?" made me think her mother was dead. "What will mother say?" might be better... Also, when we think about people in our heads, wouldn't we call them by their names, rather than their title? They do that in soap operas!
I like this character and want to see what happens to her - although, with a preteen daughter, I have a strong urge to bury my head in the sand for the next decade when I read about topics like this!
Thanks for this - good luck!
Jodi
I agree with the other two comments. I read your first page, with interest, and would keep going, but I wanted to know Alexis better before I went to such a dark and disturbing place with her. It's hard to immediately feel sympathy for just getting a B. In your query, it was good that you acknowledged other books about cutting, and how yours is different. Kudos for tackling such a difficult subject, and best of luck with this!
This sounds like an important story and your query sets it up well.
I agree that I'd like to know your character better before she starts cutting herself. It's hard to feel sympathy when we've just seen her for the first time a few lines up. You could let us see her through the day, interacting with friends and her mother before she finally makes it to her own bathroom to cut once the pressure has gotten too huge to bear.
Or something like that...
wow! great voice! i want to read all of it! i might not put the raw psychological and coming of age part int he first line b/c it seems like the line from an interview,(too obvious?) and you mention her feeling 'more trapped' but that made me pause b/c i didn't know she was trapped exactly. i don't want to pause! i want to keep reading!! good job!
wow! great voice! i want to read all of it! i might not put the raw psychological and coming of age part int he first line b/c it seems like the line from an interview,(too obvious?) and you mention her feeling 'more trapped' but that made me pause b/c i didn't know she was trapped exactly. i don't want to pause! i want to keep reading!! good job!
I have an immediate connection to Alexis. Her character seems strong and interesting. I like this query - it's well-written, unique, and has a strong title. Writing is also personable and I was immediately drawn into the voice of Alexis. There is a sincere depth and emotion in this book. I like it.
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