In 2052, tubular transcycles and decrepit hovercycles crowd the narrow streets of Kyoto, Japan. But it’s the glistening speedcycles that rule the roads. Hovering speedcycles have revolutionized transportation in Japan and the Samurai speedcycle dominates them all. Not just for transportation, high velocity racing has become a competitive sport and every five years the prestigious Oban Race occurs in Tokyo.
Sixteen year-old Aya Minami is an unwilling thief scrambling from job to job on her dented hovercycle. Her tenuous existence on the edge of Japanese society means her life is at the mercy of the man who tells her what to steal. But when she steals the wrong thing for her boss, she has to come up with a lot of money or end up in prison.
Her boss offers her a deal. First, get into the Oban Race; he’ll fund the qualifier fees and forge the paperwork. Then, find a specific rich kid, on a Samurai speedcycle, and when the moment is right, make a steal and run. Aya agrees, but with a plan of her own. She’ll enter the Oban Race, but intends to win, allowing her to escape her boss with the prize money and start over somewhere she can be free.
So she rides to Osaka and finds the rich kid, Hiroki Matsumoto. But as she spends time with Hiroki and his group of friends--the Pink Ninjas--she starts to feel guilty. The Ninjas welcome her, no questions asked and even help her learn how to ride. Her times get faster and faster. Then as the Oban Race rushes toward her, Aya’s boss reminds her of their agreement.
Aya rockets toward Tokyo, but whether toward freedom or failure, she’s going too fast to know.
SAMURAI RACING is a YA science fiction novel complete at 70,000 words that could stand-alone or have a sequel. It is like Marie Lu’s WARCROSS meets the FAST AND THE FURIOUS, but with flying motorcycles.
[Redacted] grew up around motorcycles, even riding one to preschool (with a parent driving of course) and has always been captivated by the rumble of the engine and freedom of driving. She lives in Kyoto, Japan.
Sincerely,
K.S.
SAMURAI RACING
"I can't believe she drives that thing."
Mrs. Yamada's words drifted toward me, sagging along the damp, stale air of Kyoto in the summer. My back faced my neighbors as I stepped into the low ceilinged garage. A new transcycle, shiny and silver sat in the middle of the space; the tiny dent in the back meant it was purchased for a discount. But even with a discount I wouldn't be able to afford the four-seater. Off to the side, barely fitting in the narrow space, sat a small red hovercycle, its chipped paint and outdated mechanics making it almost worthless. I squeezed beside the transcycle and grabbed the handlebars on my hovercycle, dodging a spider web as I wheeled it out of the garage.
"That hovercycle looks like it's going to fall apart any second," Mr. Yamada said to his wife.
Mrs. Yamada hobbled toward her husband as he watered the collection of flowering plants in front of their home. Their outdoor slippers made a scrapping shuffle as they moved from plant to plant, watering each with more care than they'd give a person. Their older transcycle, a covered six-seater, sat underneath a tarp wedged in the small space between their house and the street.
"Doesn't help the way she drives it." Mrs. Yamada picked a few dying buds off a small rose bush. "Last week I saw her drive through a construction site and jump across a half-finished building."
Two weeks ago, I wanted to point out.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteQuery: I love your premise. I'd start with Aya, however. You could weave in some of the future-world stuff, but I think the whole paragraph is too much.
Opening: I love that she's a girl and she's going to race flying motorcycles! Maybe more hints of that or a little more sass sooner? I'm not sure; maybe the neighbors are going to be important later on and that's why you begin with them. It's a very quiet opening.
I know a bunch of middle school girls who would love to read your story!
best,
Kathi
I also grew up around motorcycles, so I definitely connect with this! And I really liked the line in your story about avoiding the spider web as she pulled her hovercycle out. Nice detail!
ReplyDeleteTo me, the query feels a little too flat for the high-intensity story being promised. For example, it starts by setting the tone and technology but not the stakes. I became more interested when Aya was the focus.
I feel like it's hard to explain and easier to see, so I don't know if I'm overstepping boundaries (I sincerely apologize if I am) but I rearranged some of the text to show what I mean. No need to keep my changes and I'm sure my version needs a tune-up. (pun intended)
First paragraph as:
Sixteen-year-old Aya Minami is an unwilling thief scrambling from job to job on her dented hovercycle through the narrow streets of Kyoto, Japan. A tenuous life in the year 2052, left to the mercy of the man who tells her what to steal. But when she steals the wrong thing, her boss offers her a deal. First, join competitive sport of high-velocity racing; Then, find a specific rich kid, Hiroki Matsumoto, on his Samurai speedcycle, and when the moment is right, take his ______ and run.
Aya agrees, but with a plan of her own. She'll enter the Oban Race, but intends to win, allowing her to escape her boss with the prize money and start over somewhere she can be free. When she finds the rich kid and spends time his group of friends--the Pink Ninjas-They welcome her, no questions asked and even help her improve her time. But as the Oban Race rushes toward her and she starts to feel guilty, Aya's boss reminds her of their agreement.
Aya rockets toward Tokyo, but whether toward freedom or failure, she's going too fast to know.
Ahhhhhhhhh I want to read this, like, right this second! If you need a CP or anything........
ReplyDeleteOkay fangirling over. Amazing story idea, and your first 250 words are great. I love her sass. I do agree with how Winter suggested you reword your query. It's a bit lengthy in places and gives unnecessary info.
I do want to know more about her boss. How did she get under his control? Why is she so poor. I want to know! :D
Great job, this is really good!!
Sylvia (S.M.)
Thanks for the helpful comments! Kathi and Winter: I knew I needed to do something with the query, but I honestly never thought of changing that first paragraph! You have opened my eyes! :)
ReplyDeleteThis was the entry I remembered best after I finished formatting them. I absolutely loved the concept. It reminded me of Marie Lu's WARCROSS, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that you were already using that as one of your comp titles:)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other commenters who said that starting the query with your main character is going to give it more punch. Then you can weave the (very cool) world-building details from your original first paragraph through the rest of the query. The only other thing I think you need to do is streamline the end of your summary. The paragraph that starts "So she rides to Osaka" in particular felt like it ran a little long.
As for the first page, it might add a bit more tension if you let us know whether or not the Yamadas are aware that Aya can hear them. I assume they're not, so building to the moment when Aya finally confronts them will up the stakes in this first scene. Also, you're missing a comma after "shiny and silver" in the second paragraph (just like you're missing one after "no questions asked" in the query).
Good luck to you and SAMURAI RACING! As I mentioned before, I would pick this up in a heartbeat.
Thanks so much Krista!
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting premise! I love the futuristic setting, and Aya's dilemma. I do think that right now, there's a bit too much backstory cluttering up the query. I want to know about Aya: who she is, what she wants, what she has to do to get it, and what will happen if she fails. Any other details should only contribute to her arc, not pull attention from it. So I'd start with the second paragraph, working in details about cycles and the Oban Race selectively. For example:
ReplyDelete"Sixteen year-old Aya Minami is an unwilling thief scrambling from job to job on her dented hovercycle in the year 2052. Her tenuous existence on the edge of Japanese society means her life is at the mercy of the man who tells her what to steal. But when she steals the wrong thing for her boss, she has to come up with a lot of money or end up in prison.
Her boss offers her a deal. Enter the Oban Race, a high velocity competition that takes place every five years in Tokyo. Then, find her mark, steal his priceless speedcycle and run. Aya agrees, but with a plan of her own. She’ll enter the race, but intends to win, allowing her to escape her boss with the prize money and start over somewhere she can be free.
Aya rockets toward Tokyo, but whether toward freedom or failure, she’s going too fast to know."
My one question otherwise: If she doesn't actually intend to steal from Hiroki, why should she feel guilty? If he's going to be present in the query, that has to be clearer.
I love the scene you set in the opening page, though again, I think Aya is a little too absent. If she's listening to the Yamada's badmouth her and her bikes, is she angry? Defiant? Ashamed? I want more of her perspective from the start.