Dear Ms. Jeglinski,
Three years ago Dylan took a life for the first time. To
protect his friends, he must do it once again. Fortunately, it’s a task he
enjoys performing.
Sixteen-year-old Dylan awakens in the hospital and
discovers the army base he calls home is under attack. Someone has unleashed
what appears to be sarin gas. Dylan stumbles across the airstrip barely making
it onto one of the packed evacuation planes. The escape doesn't go
as planned and the plane crashes on an uninhabited island.
Dylan gathers himself after the crash and discovers that
five other army brats are also alive. Together they hunt for food, build a
shelter, and search for a way home. Dylan does his best to keep his
distance from the group, both physically and emotionally. After all, having
homicidal urges isn't something that makes people want to be your
friend. Six-year-old David, the youngest survivor, has other plans and constantly
follows Dylan around. Dylan gives into the boy’s need for friendship as it
provides a nice distraction from the no-so-clandestine romantic dramas
occurring within the group.
SURVIVING SARIN is a 69,000 word YA thriller and the
first of a trilogy, best described as I Hunt Killers meets The
100.
I am a high school biology teacher and I also serve as
chapter director of an organization that trains rescued dogs for military veterans.
I belong to SCBWI, RWA, and Sisters in Crime. I have been published in Sisters
in Crime’s First Draft July 2014. I agree with you that the phone
call and getting to know someone personally should be just as important in
deciding whether or not to offer representation. It would be hard to have the
working relationship that an author and agent must have if the two clash. I
would love to know if someone is blunt vs. sugar coats something, or if they
are long winded vs. to the point. Kudos for being a furbabies foster parent.
Many rescues & shelters could not do the work they do without people like
you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Warm Regards,
T.S.
SURVIVING SARIN
“I want your dad to sign this and return it to me tomorrow,” Mrs. Harwood says as she slides my
English essay across her desk for me to see.
She’s a real pain in my a**, and my step-father, Rob, is
going to kill me when he sees I failed this paper. I tried my best, but a
comparative essay on how life experiences shape who a person becomes is not
something that comes easy. Then to have to relate it back to a character from a
book… I don’t think a character even exists that has gone through what I have.
Or has the secrets I have.
“Whatever,” I mumble, grabbing the paper as I head out
the door.
The walk home is arduous, and my headache doesn’t help.
This is the fifth time I have gotten a headache in the past two days.
“Hey Cynthia. Where’s Rob?” I ask when I get home,
preparing for at least an hour long lecture.
“Work.” Her tiny eyes focus on the singing horses on the
screen.
“He just left and didn’t get you a babysitter?” Strange,
Rob never leaves Cynthia home alone--she’s only four. And he has been very overprotective
since the implementation of the base curfew.
She shrugs then adds, “Daddy said not to answer the door,
and that you would be home soon. And you have to make dinner.”
Most likely this has something to do with why there is
a curfew on the base.
Consider cutting down the verbiage in your query considerably. Additionally, it's a little jarring that the events in the first page (seemingly) have nothing to do with the events mentioned in the query.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the first three lines entirely, and see if you can start your novel a bit later to more closely match the events laid out in the query.
The query seems more like a synopsis to me than a query.
ReplyDeleteThe overall premise sounds interesting, and the frustration comes through loud and clear in the first 250 words.
Good personalization on the fostering animals bit. :)
This was one of the few entries I remembered after I finished formatting them. The concept is quite intriguing, and I see a lot of potential for a psychological thriller.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I do have a few concerns with the premise, the biggest of which is that I can't imagine rooting for a main character who likes killing so much. He comes across as a sociopath. His relationship with David does humanize him a bit, but I think you could do more to make us care about him.
Also, why are the other survivors also kids? If there's a good reason, then I'm willing to go along with it, but as it stands, it smacks of author manipulation. And I noticed a few missing commas--after "Dylan stumbles across the airstrip" in the second paragraph and after "Dylan grows concerned over David's safety" in the fourth--but those are easy fixes (though you might want to keep an eye out for similar missing commas throughout the manuscript).
As for the first page, I'm going to disagree with Jaime and say that I didn't find it jarring. I assume that the attack is imminent. You might skip ahead to whatever he does to land himself in the hospital, but if that's just around the corner, then I think this starting point is fine. It's clear that something is up.
Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteGreat story idea. I'm curious to know what task this kid performs that gives him the right to kill. And why does a kid have to do this not an adult? Talking a bit more about this might give the reader a better sense of this world.
ReplyDeleteI think your query can be tightened. For example delete the sentence about the tear gas, it's an unnecessary detail IMO. I don't think we need to know that the MC stumbles either just that he boards a plane, which crashes on an island. Delete that the escape doesn't go as planned which to me is self-evident.
This seems like a awesome story with some really high stakes. With shows like Dexter (I know there's others) there is definitely an audience of readers who find these kind of characters fascinating, if not sympathetic. Just make him redeemable/relatable in a few other ways maybe?
In your first 250, I think your voice sounds really authentic. I would just say if you're going to swear in your novel, swear proudly! Books, thank god, aren't censored like TV.
The query reads too much like a synopsis. the first paragraph--well, it's hard to immediately start rooting for a protagonist who enjoys killing people. I suggest starting with some other hook, some reason we can care about him first.
ReplyDeleteAside from being too long, you have some grammatical speed bumps, misplaced or missing commas, etc. I just never get a sense of why Dylan has these murderous urges. And what seems like it should be the hook--Dylan struggling between wanting to protect the boy and wanting to kill him--seems buried deep within the query.
Your bio goes on too long, with a lot of useless information. All we care about is your writing creds, and anything about yourself that makes you uniquely qualified to write this book. In the last part, you are taking a familiar tone with someone you don't yet know, and frankly it comes across as sucking up.
Best of luck,
Spike
We commenters probably sound like a broken record, but here it is again: This reads a lot more like a synopsis than a query. Your first paragraph is a good hook and is a great way to kick things off, but remember to limit the rest of it to the conflict and stakes. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteQuery: It's a bit too long and does indeed read more like a synopsis. I need premise and conflict and character. Moment to moment is not necessary. I might have an issue with her MC that likes to kill; I'd need to know his reasons. And while I can appreciate that you did some research on me, the personal comments actually felt a tad too familiar to me, be careful you don't go too far. At least tell me you found this out on twitter: I follow you on twitter and commend you for your work with foster kittens. Simpler, right? Not scary. And I tell you this because I've gotten some really creepy queries, people quoting my home address even, so anything that's too familiar immediately sets up a red flag. And I'm sure it would with others. So just think how you would appreciate being approached. Thanks for understanding.
ReplyDeletePages: Why have three lines in one scene only to move to move to him walking home. Why not start with him walking home thinking his step dad is going to be ticked off when he gets this paper?
Overall: the premise just isn't my cup of tea but I can see it's appeal. Could be really gritty.
Thanks so much. Dylan is a sociopath. Kind of like the book I LOVE SERIAL KILLERS. The sarin attack isnt a tear gas. It's a biological weapon and its the reason the military base is attacked, which is what causes the kids to be on an evacuation plane that crashes. So that is a needed detail.
ReplyDeleteI will look at shortening it down so it reads more like a query then a synopsis. I appreciate the feedback.