Dear Ms. Marini,
The day after her mother dies, shadows start stalking
sixteen-year-old Talitha Martin. To start over and be safe, she must hide her
biggest secret: that her body keeps turning into smoke.
Except secrets, like smoke, are impossible to contain. When emotional stress
causes Talitha to shift, it’s witnessed by her new neighbour Caspar. However,
instead of running away--or exposing her secret--Caspar is intrigued. His
stubborn friendship is unshakable even when the shadows attack Caspar and
Talitha. They’re saved not by her smoke, but by two beings forged from flame:
the Ascended.
The Ascended came down to Earth to find the vessel--a reincarnated Ascended who
can help them in the war against the shadows. Since Talitha’s power enables her
to find and protect this human vessel, the Ascended promise to help her learn
to control it, but only if she agrees to help. When Caspar’s life is linked to
that of the vessel, she can’t back out of the agreement.
Now, Talitha must harness her powers fast or let the shadows win. Either way,
her dreams of a normal life just went up in smoke.
OF FIRE AND SHADOW is a YA Urban
Fantasy completed at 63,500 words.
Thank you for your time and
consideration.
Sincerely,
M.K.R.
OF FIRE AND SHADOW
My mother died a week ago. Smoke inhalation, the coroner’s
report said.
The problem: there was no fire.
The cause: my freakish power. Not that I could admit it, unless I wanted to
become a science experiment, or thrown in jail.
I leaned against the rough brick wall of the lawyer’s office and nearly crossed
my arms, except something across the road caught my eye.
The shadows across the road were oddly darker than the midday sun warranted, as
if they had swallowed the very ground. Goosebumps prickled down my neck.
I stepped away from the wall, intrigued by the shadows.
Something, or someone, stood in the shadows across the street. I squinted,
trying to overcome the glare of sunlight off towering office buildings. The
figure swayed like branches caught in a breeze. My eyebrows furrowed as I
stepped into the gutter, ignoring the cars blurring past. The shadows writhed
and crept towards the buildings, the figure moving in their safety.
“Talitha?”
I spun and faced my grandma’s inquiring face. She’d finished inside the
lawyer’s office--finished with the aftermath of my failure. I swallowed hard
and glanced back at the shadowed trees and sidewalk. They were normal.
“Everything sorted?” I asked and shook my head to clear it. It wasn’t the first
time I’d seen the writhing shadows.
She squinted at me through her round glasses. “Yes.”
Grandma thought I was too young to know about all the legal affairs involved
with my guardianship. So a simple yes was the best I could’ve hoped for.
The query letter was nice and tight and showed an intriguing and unique story.
ReplyDeleteThe first page had a nice, creepy voice to it. The only thing I would suggest is dropping the first time you wrote, "across the road" because you repeat it in the very next sentence. Other than that, the start is great, and I would read more.
Interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteI loved the first paragraph of the query. But I also was slightly confused. The first sentences was crisp and definitely had me wanting more. But I didn't really understand the connection to her mother's death, the shadows, and her being able to turn into smoke. The two sentences don't seem to connect for me. Perhaps adjust this to explain how the shadows come BECAUSE she can turn into smoke (or something like this...you know your story!)
The second paragraph of the query is great! My only question here was about Caspar's gender. It took me a while to figure out it was a boy :)
The third paragraph is backstory. But FINALLY I understand why the shadows are attacking her. Can you add this detail in the 1st paragraph? I'm also not clear how her power (which I understood was to turn into smoke) can protect a human vessel. I think you need to flesh out the powers a bit more.
I like the line "her dreams of a normal life went up in smoke". Clever!
Your opening is great. You have a nice voice. I wanted to know how old Talitha was. Perhaps change that last line to read: Grandma thought a X-year old was too young to know.... I know you mention her age in the query, but it would be nice to see it in the MS too.
It's pretty heavy stuff killing your mother with your power!
Well done!
ES
(Entry #1)
I would totally read this and found myself wanting more than the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the sentence that reads "Either way, her dreams of a normal life just went up in smoke." is certainly a nice play on the premise. Nice touch!
ReplyDeleteI've not seen a "turn to smoke" spin in YA paranormal/supernatural, so I am intrigued. But this query letter is a bit disorganized: shadows, smoke, accidental shifts, Caspar, attacks, flame beings, the ascended, an ascended reincarnated as a human etc... And it's hard to tell what the relationship is between everything. You need to simplify. Your three main points are the smoke, Caspar, and this ancient war. So try to let each paragraph address a main point. Here's an example that I think is a bit clearer, though not great:
The day after her mother dies, shadows start stalking sixteen-year-old Talitha Martin. Talitha knows better than to tell anyone, this isn’t the first strange secret she’s had to keep. Talitha’s body turns into smoke, and she can’t always control it.
Except secrets, like smoke, are impossible to contain. When Talitha’s new neighbor Caspar witnesses her shift she’s sure he’s going to expose her, but Caspar is intrigued. His stubborn friend is unshakable even when the shadows attack Caspar and Talitha.
Barely escaping, Caspar and Talitha learn that the beings who saved them are the Ascended, an ancient race forged from flame who wage war against the shadows. They’ve come to find a human vessel with the power to save them. When Caspar’s life is linked to that of the vessel, Talitha must harness her powers fast or the shadows win. Either way, her dreams of a normal life just went up in smoke.
Great, thanks Victoria. I'll have another play around with the order of my query. Greatly appreciated. :)
ReplyDelete