Dear The Mystery Agent,
With a quartz crystal in her back pocket and a stash of belladonna at the ready, seventeen-year-old Evelyn Bent is about to give the Society a swift kick in the ass. Because there are two things Evelyn is absolutely certain of: one, she didn’t murder her parents; and two, she’s not about to let the world think she did.
She’ll be the first to admit she killed her parents’ murderer--watching the light leave his eyes was the sweetest thing next to eating a moonpie. Disgusted by her dark satisfaction, Evelyn’s more than ready to do her time and accept her punishment. But once the Society accuses her of the very crime she was trying to avenge, she throws her conflicted conscience to the wayside and discovers that the Society is dabbling in some Black Magic of its own: weaving lies and sacrificing the Blind, people who are unaware of the supernatural world.
In an effort to clear her name, Evelyn will scour the city of Portland looking for any clues that might be able to help put an end to the corruption plaguing the magical landscape. In the process, she befriends a strange raven--a Familiar--that won’t let her out of his sight. When she awakes one morning to see a boy her age, naked and lying in a pile of black feathers on her floor, her journey will take an unexpected turn. Toward the unfortunate possibility of losing someone she cares for dearly all over again.
NIGHTSHADE AND MOONPIES, a YA dark urban fantasy, is complete at approximately 70,000 words. I’m currently looking for an agent I can grow a career with, and I feel as if we could make a great team. While this is a stand-alone novel, it has series potential.
Thank you very much for your time and I appreciate your consideration. This is a simultaneous submission. Can’t wait to hear back from you!
Sincerely,
N.S.
NIGHTSHADE AND MOONPIES
Powered by staccato breaths and weak, jellified legs, I glanced over my shoulder to see the specter of the man I’d just killed coming up behind me quicker than a Polynesian puckwudgie. If he’d been anything more than a spirit, like perhaps a solid man with flesh, he would’ve tripped over my heels and together we would’ve gotten a taste of the eternally damp pavement. The dead are always quicker, no matter how freakin’ fantastic a girl’s neon-green Nike runners look bolting through the night.
Moaning in the language only the dead understand, the tormented soul tried to grab hold of my jacket collar. A jet of icy air assaulted my neck. Goosebumps. He’d forfeited his right to touch the moment I’d presented him with his one-way ticket to the underworld. Once more his substance-less fingertips swiped at my jacket. A chunk of my aura burst apart as his hand passed through my body. Another chilling burst, reminding me of the coldness I felt upon my lips as I’d kissed my dying mother and father for the last time, scattered across my back.
“We’re even!” I shouted, my voice getting lost in the type of wind only a sickened god could conjure. I looked over my shoulder once more to see the translucent figure of my parents’ murderer floating across the rainy Portland street. The streetlamps were in full bloom, the balls of light only blurs as I sprinted past them. “Leave me alone! Please, just--” My lungs burned. Every breath felt like a swarm of bees buzzing down my throat.
I like the idea of coming in on a story in which the main character has already killed someone--could make for an interesting character and situations. What will make your query more effective is shortening it. This is take a lot of trial and error, but experiment with sentences to create a sense of excitement through rhythm. Also, I didn't get a good sense of the magical world; we only know what you've told us, that the society is evil.
ReplyDeleteSample Page: Interesting first scene. I would keep reading, but a few things I'd look for are too many adjectives and overcomplicated sentences.
You have a great voice in the query. But I'd take out the moonpie line. The grief has to be so severe that an analogy about sweetness doesn't work. I also think it's too long. Save the last last paragraph is for a synopsis.
ReplyDeleteYou manuscript definitely create good tension. And your voice matches the query. I'd suggestion a few less analogies. I've heard to keep them to under two per page. I'd be interested to read further. Good luck!
Agreed with Theresa - I have a feeling the moonpie thing is funnier in the actual manuscript, but it comes across really weird here. The juxtaposition of murder and moonpies throws me, as does the suggestion that killing the person who killed her parents is somehow LESS sweet than a moonpie. (? Am I reading that right?)
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 words are great - good descriptions, good voice. The only part that I found a little jarring was "streetlamps in full bloom," though that's probably a matter of taste. Good luck!
Hey there! Wow, your query hook HOOKED me.
ReplyDelete"She’ll be the first to admit she killed her parents’ murderer--watching the light leave his eyes was the sweetest thing next to eating a moonpie. Disgusted by her dark satisfaction, Evelyn’s more than ready to do her time and accept her punishment."
The seeming contradiction in this section has me puzzled. She'll be the first to admit it's her who killed him - ooh, me, me! - but at the same time, she's disgusted with herself, and yet darkly satisfied? Each of those emotions has a super-specific feel to them, and I'm not getting a blend. I feel more like I don't know which one to believe, which one is important, which comes out on top and moves the plot forward.
"But once the Society accuses her of the very crime she was trying to avenge, she throws her conflicted conscience to the wayside and discovers that the Society is dabbling in some Black Magic of its own: weaving lies and sacrificing the Blind, people who are unaware of the supernatural world."
First off, this is an uber-long sentence. Secondly, I like the conflicted conscience part. If I'm not mistaken, that's what you were going for with sentence #1 up above. But, imo, you could achieve it in sentence #1 better with simplification. Too many warring emotions all at once - especially in a query - is an off-putting situation to have.
Thirdly, I don't understand the sequencing here. Why, when accused of murdering her parents, would she seek out corruption rather than being like, "Yo, I killed THIS dude, not my parents." The way the sentence is phrased implies that her kicking her conscience to the side is causal to her discovering this lie-weaving, etc., but I don't understand how. I think if you split it into multiple sentences and maybe combed out a little of the rhetoric, it'd be clearer to someone who's unfamiliar with the story.
Love your last paragraph.
As for the first page - I'd advise going through and highlighting every adjective. Sensory overload is a cool effect, but I have a feeling I'm not supposed to be having it while she's sprinting from a supernatural being.
Hope some of this helped. The very best of luck to you and yours!
I agree, the moonpie thing didn't seem right.
ReplyDeleteBut interesting idea and well written.
The first paragraph of your query caught my attention and I like that MC is badass to begin with.
ReplyDeleteIn the 2nd paragraph, I'm a little confused over how she stumbles onto the Society's secret and the moonpie mention threw me off.
In 3rd paragraph, not sure how someone befriends a bird - maybe use a different word? And last sentence seems muddled to me - I'm assuming it's the raven boy she might lose?
Think last two paragraphs can be edited and combined into one:
"Nightshade and Moonpies, a YA dark urban fantasy, is complete at 70,000 words. While this is a stand-alone novel, it has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration."
Like the idea behind the first page, with her avenging her parents murder, but the adjectives/descriptions make it somewhat muddled.