tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post964018918409809778..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #11Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-56997389850374056592014-08-23T12:04:00.398-06:002014-08-23T12:04:00.398-06:00Query:
If you write your query in present tense i...Query:<br /><br />If you write your query in present tense it helps add immediacy to it. Even if your book is in past tense. This also helps eliminate passive voice—which is always a red flag for agents.<br /><br />You say that this is fantasy, but I’m guessing maybe urban fantasy? Paranormal? I’m having a hard time nailing down the constraints of your world. There’s a city curfew, which sounds dystopian, but there are demons and people who practice magic, which sounds like urban fantasy/paranormal. A little clarification about your world would elevate the query.<br /><br /> I’m also confused how Naomi enters this group and immediately becomes the “savior”. Does she have a special ability? Why on earth is she “fighting and yelling” at them? Without context, this makes her seem a bit unlikeable. What do they do to make her feel threatened?<br /><br />The crystals are confusing, also. There’s no context or reason for Naomi to go after them. I would suggest adding the reason they’re important or deleting the mention altogether. <br /><br />Could you take some space in the fourth paragraph to explain the nature of the war Naomi finds herself in. What side is she on? Why are they fighting? How does her father’s death figure into this? There is a lot of general language around the abduction, Isaac Silverman (not mentioned before...) and the Warriors which immediately causes me to lose interest. Concise specifics here would be helpful.<br /><br /><br />Pages:<br /><br />Unfortunately, the opening page didn’t grab me at all. The language is too generic and your sentence structure is too weak. I would rather immediately know how these killings affect Naomi since she’s dealing with her own grief. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44815352552925964892014-08-21T09:16:52.799-06:002014-08-21T09:16:52.799-06:00Sorry, but this one is not ready yet. Work on stre...Sorry, but this one is not ready yet. Work on strengthening the prose in the query and the sample. And what writing credentials do you have!<br /><br />Typos in the manuscript. It may be a matter of technology not transmitting your mss correctly, but and agent won't read a sample loaded with typos. Laura Moehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04827474421798014522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-70267099964724268632014-08-21T08:01:54.105-06:002014-08-21T08:01:54.105-06:00I think you're off to a good start but I would...I think you're off to a good start but I would work on eliminating the passivity in your query ("I was made aware" etc) and tighten up your sentences in the writing sample.Heatherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13060091637394810802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-90998665494015512792014-08-21T06:49:02.534-06:002014-08-21T06:49:02.534-06:00The query should be in present tense, and it's...The query should be in present tense, and it's too long. You should cut all the extraneous info and focus on what the main character wants, what's motivating them, and what are the stakes if they don't achieve their goal?<br /><br />The excerpt has a lot of awkward sentences, passive voice and unnecessary words. It was difficult to get through. Have you read act books on craft? The Fire in Fiction is a good one. Keep writing!KRwriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10596501804724165801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-28233121111869749532014-08-20T13:52:50.238-06:002014-08-20T13:52:50.238-06:00Opening your query in the passive voice is a red f...Opening your query in the passive voice is a red flag. <br /><br />And don't say 'I believe you would be pleased.' She will either be pleased or she won't. <br /><br />Personally I would not put Krav Maga classes in my bio, but that might just be me.<br /><br />I quit your words after one sentence. Weak prose. Sorry.Mike Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-3164372578305989172014-08-20T12:12:17.998-06:002014-08-20T12:12:17.998-06:00This sounds like it will have a lot of great actio...This sounds like it will have a lot of great action in it! The query left me wondering a little bit about: <br />What killings?<br />How does Nate bring her into the War?<br />Why is she the saviour? <br />What is at stake? <br />That being said, this story sounds full of excitement and intrigue and I wish you luck in your writing! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02772403925316724131noreply@blogger.com