tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post9009426544096466770..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #16Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7075625263076055892011-07-29T16:24:20.388-06:002011-07-29T16:24:20.388-06:00E.R. - I was hooked by the first few lines of this...E.R. - I was hooked by the first few lines of this query, but stopped at "the abuse boyfriend... was the son of an important Renegade leader." Wouldn't she have already known that? I skimmed the rest of the query and the plot seems overly complicated. Then when I got to the writing sample, I immediately see Naomi running, which disappointed me. What drew me to this story in the first place is the image of a young girl who mostly grew up in prison, awaiting an even worse fate. I wish we started in Naomi's head so we can find out with her what will happen next.The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-1638667126480004182011-07-29T08:28:35.663-06:002011-07-29T08:28:35.663-06:00This was one of the entries that caught my attenti...This was one of the entries that caught my attention when I was skimming through them all while formatting the posts. A lot of agents seem to want YA thrillers right now, sans the paranormal elements that have been common for the last five to ten years, and THE RECRUITED fills that bill. Way to be riding the crest of a potential new trend:)<br /><br />As for the query itself, I agree with the others - James's situation and backstory probably don't merit an entire paragraph. Also, the line you ended on, "If the government finds out what James knows it could mean death for both of them," didn't make sense to me. I'm not sure it's self-evident why this would be the case; you might need to spell it out for us a little more.<br /><br />I really liked the first page. You introduced us to the setting - which is intriguing - and the character in one fell swoop. I actually thought you did a pretty good job of including prison-oriented imagery (like the clumps of uniformed girls (although when I first read this paragraph, I thought she was at some kind of all-girls school), the industrial bell, the concrete wall topped by barbed wire). Honestly, I think most of it comes down to personal taste and writing style, and I liked yours.<br /><br />Good, good luck with this.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-26481090683475019412011-07-28T08:10:27.517-06:002011-07-28T08:10:27.517-06:00I agree with the others. Shorten the query, focus ...I agree with the others. Shorten the query, focus on Naomi. And I was thrown in the first paragraph when I realized she did actually kill someone. Wrongly convicted of murder and I'm thinking she was framed or something. Yes, I get the self-defense, but it threw me. The writing was great though- completely drew me in.Melanie Stanfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00065112319140571241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-35807831449215836522011-07-27T14:43:41.089-06:002011-07-27T14:43:41.089-06:00The query is a little too long and detailed. I th...The query is a little too long and detailed. I think you could leave off the bits about James since the book seems to be about Naomi. Also, watch out for using adverbs in a query.<br /><br />The first page was great although I would have liked a little more setting detail to ground me in the prison. Also, is there any reason to open with her full name? Her last name can be introduced later. To begin with just knowing she's Naomi is fine.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47413266114223190532011-07-27T12:49:21.168-06:002011-07-27T12:49:21.168-06:00First page was great. But as the others mentioned,...First page was great. But as the others mentioned, the query could use some work. The first 2 paragraphs had me hooked, but when we moved into James POV, you lost me. I'd recommend focusing just on Naomi, since she appears to be your prime character. the switch comes off as jarring to me. I'd also suggest you condense the last two paragraphs of the story summary into one or two pithy lines (with voice as Tracy suggests above!). I think that would help tighten it up nicely.MarcyKatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08303670174583471227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-52315910985593969032011-07-27T12:24:55.448-06:002011-07-27T12:24:55.448-06:00Besides being a bit long, I think what your query ...Besides being a bit long, I think what your query loses as you get into it is voice. It's just a bit this happens. then this happens. Now this happens, until this. Where's the spice and flavor? You've clearly got it in you (see first page.) Let me see it. Please?<br /><br />An example of how you have extra words. Your "THE RECRUITED is a work of..." could be "THE RECRUITED is a 84,000 word YA novel." Simple. Short. Move on.<br /><br />Your first page has lots of voice, but very little extra flavor. Thinks like, the dead-patchy grass. Or the white-washed wall. Just to give it that extra edge and scene enhancement.Tracy N. Jorgensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14900562574693952219noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-82221225954769722372011-07-27T11:23:15.980-06:002011-07-27T11:23:15.980-06:00Great job.
I love the writing. The query had a b...Great job. <br /><br />I love the writing. The query had a bit too much detail for me, though. I'd shorten it up so that the agent can get right to it.Tatumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-45030460908220303782011-07-27T10:59:44.454-06:002011-07-27T10:59:44.454-06:00Ohhh the beginning of the query is fierce! Nice wa...Ohhh the beginning of the query is fierce! Nice was to get us started. It starts to peter out, though around graphs 3-4 it slowed way down. I think you need to combine the most important parts of both and wrap it up fast and punchy in the third graph.<br /><br />The story: Flawless. I would SO read this.amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11158553862638051863noreply@blogger.com