tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post8288089650765466362..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #13Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43065226529485782612012-09-24T09:22:08.449-06:002012-09-24T09:22:08.449-06:00The voice in your 250 is working. I love the explo...The voice in your 250 is working. I love the exploring the unpaid debt he's made with the fey. I did have some concerns. First, the query is a little bit too long and I think you could make it a bit clearer. Lines like "science can solve anything" and "He doesn’t plan to find out what that price is until his friend’s sister is hit by a car" could be cut without damaging the query. Second, paranormal YA is saturated right now and you've got ghosts AND fairies and I'm not sure what purpose this ghost serves. It sounds like the chief conflict here is between Clay & the fey. While I suspect the ghost is a victim of the fey, I'm worried that - rather than a fresh spin - this is simply too much. Still, I'd keep reading. Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-48641527846538934312012-09-20T22:23:08.347-06:002012-09-20T22:23:08.347-06:00I have had the opportunity of reading this somewhe...I have had the opportunity of reading this somewhere else and as was then, it's still all parts awesome! The tension in the sample is extremely cool.Utsavhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03433651206976393579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-63484844389119174962012-09-20T11:41:58.303-06:002012-09-20T11:41:58.303-06:00I love the voice in your query and the first 250. ...I love the voice in your query and the first 250. I agree the query could be trimmed a bit, like the line about the field detector.<br />Sounds like a good ghost storySujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-70945664908469925182012-09-20T08:28:05.431-06:002012-09-20T08:28:05.431-06:00Oh man, I love this if only for the "even lau...Oh man, I love this if only for the "even laughter died..." lineChelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-62169812963047625902012-09-19T18:40:38.784-06:002012-09-19T18:40:38.784-06:00I love the creepy title too. I'm a little conf...I love the creepy title too. I'm a little confused why merely stumbling on the fey gives him their power, and maybe that's not important, but it's kind of bugging me.<br /><br />I do think you have a great ghost story, regardless!<br />Good luck.Kristen Wixtedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06270464973842125576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-14090376554134629032012-09-19T12:50:58.775-06:002012-09-19T12:50:58.775-06:00Your query is a little too long, but it's defi...Your query is a little too long, but it's definitely interesting! The part about doubling as a football can probably be cut, and I think your first paragraph can be shortened a bit. I really like your title. Super creepy.<br /><br />I was a little confused in your opening if his friends were scouts too or they just happened to be there when he showed up. Also, some of your metaphors/similes doesn't really do it for me. Dust like cobwebs.<br /><br />I would definitely keep reading, though. I like Clay's outdoor-sy character.Amanda Foodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13041820771365552110noreply@blogger.com