tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post8202761603967281065..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #15Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-66801074597266127112014-02-23T15:33:19.675-07:002014-02-23T15:33:19.675-07:00Hi R.S.,
Medieval mysteries are totally something...Hi R.S.,<br /><br />Medieval mysteries are totally something I'd be into, so kudos on the compelling premise.<br /><br />You have a bit too much happening in the query - there are way too many names being thrown about. Between the query and the first 250, I also feel like there's no mystery left to solve -- it seems like Ragenard is the most likely candidate. Obviously this could not be the case, but it immediately makes me write off Brother Karl. There should be ambiguity, even at the query stage.<br /><br />For that matter, I almost always recommend against prologues. Witnessing the victim's death works well on-screen because viewers only need to watch for about a minute, but on paper you need to grab attention and keep it. When you start from the POV of someone that immediately dies, that only means you need to grab someone's attention AGAIN in Chapter One, and it almost certainly isn't going to be as tense and exciting as the prologue. Don't hobble yourself - start from the POV of your protagonist.<br /><br />I hope that helps, and wish you the very best of luck.<br /><br />All the best,<br />EmilyEmily Grefnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-55389683544806861932014-02-22T12:44:16.082-07:002014-02-22T12:44:16.082-07:00I'm intrigued and would love to read more, eve...I'm intrigued and would love to read more, even though it's not my usual genera. I already feel connected to the young woman in the prologue, and wonder what will happen to the baby.<br /><br />In the query, I believe you could dispense with the last line about your childhood.<br /><br />Good job and luck in the contest.Rebecca Kagannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-68428073827165514732014-02-19T15:09:18.602-07:002014-02-19T15:09:18.602-07:00I've read all 20 entries and this was definite...I've read all 20 entries and this was definitely in my top three. I agree with MeriAnn's comment about the query: I think there are too many names. The first paragraph was brilliant and kept me reading, but by the end of the second I was quite confused. Is there some way you could cut down on the number of people you mention?<br /><br />As for the first 250 words, I thought they were wonderful. I was a bit confused in the first couple of paragraphs (I usually am when starting a new book) but by the end of the sample I really wanted to read more.<br /><br />Good luck with this; I really enjoyed reading it! Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-91670633163680773792014-02-19T11:44:21.231-07:002014-02-19T11:44:21.231-07:00Very interesting story line. Just to add to ideas...Very interesting story line. Just to add to ideas already presented, I think there are too many names within the query letter itself. I think you can cut out a lot of the names and reduce some of the confusion by sticking with Eva as the main introduction. MeriAnnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08162103658966604710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-87849220734186213672014-02-19T11:14:32.274-07:002014-02-19T11:14:32.274-07:00I love historicals! There's not a lot of medie...I love historicals! There's not a lot of medieval stories set in Germany, so that immediately intrigued me. That being said, I think there's a few things that could be stronger. I don't think you need to state the date in your query. It'd be better to start with your protagonist's name. I thought the second sentence (which should probably be your first sentence) was a little long and hard to understand. You need to start with her name, then go on to describe her. <br />I had a strong reaction to your second paragraph. She "rebuffs him," "thwarted kisses", "relents" etc., made him sound like a bit of a stalker. I am sorry, but I would not want to read about a girl who falls for a guy who doesn't respect her boundaries (perhaps I'm misreading this, but this is how it came across to me.) That put me off a bit from your story.<br /><br />Your first page also confused me. It sounds like this is a prologue of the young girl being murdered. But I would be more drawn in if you started with Eva, who we know will continue throughout the book, to build sympathy. <br /><br />I hope my comments are helpful!<br />Jennihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13139361928785566916noreply@blogger.com