tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post7801639563207456912..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #15Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-15393595999972792152017-04-17T22:34:00.673-06:002017-04-17T22:34:00.673-06:00V.V., thank you so much for your participation her...V.V., thank you so much for your participation here! I have a soft spot for both PETER PAN and TREASURE ISLAND, so I was delighted to review your reimagining. I believe there is an interesting story here, but I thought that your summary in your query letter was a tad confusing. The relationship between Tethys’ uncle, the Resistance's involvement in an ongoing war, and Pan’s planet should be clarified, especially since it seems that the majority of the story takes place on Nevea. I was lost again while trying to connect the beginning of your novel to the summary in your query letter. Is Tethys training to become a captain in the Resistance and about to take a final test? If so, I suggest noting that in your letter so your readers are able to correlate the first few pages of your novel to the premise of your story. However, the description of how Tethys works to free Nevea from Darling's rule as well as saving herself and her crew struck just the right level of interest for me. <br /><br />On a separate note, I was extremely engaged by your writing and I think you did a fantastic job of integrating elements of your world building into the narrative. The development of Tethys’ character felt appropriate in the space allotted, and the only thing that felt a little lacking was the pace. Your novel could possibly be better served by a snappier opening instead of a training sequence. <br /><br />A final note: with reimaginings, the most successful examples transform the source material so completely that they nearly stand as original concepts. Toe the line throughout but be careful not to employ too many details so your novel doesn't feel derivative. The Agent [GP]noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-48530414836439362642017-04-13T16:21:37.187-06:002017-04-13T16:21:37.187-06:00QUERY:
Love the comp titles and the opening sente...QUERY:<br /><br />Love the comp titles and the opening sentence, but I noticed the other two sentences are fragments in that first paragraph. Since this is your first impression to an agent, maybe consider filling them out? Also, since you alread listed comp titles in sentence 1, I'm not sure why you mention more comp titles in the last sentence of that paragraph. It might be a good idea to pick two and stick with those?<br /><br />HA! Love the pinky comment. PERFECT. XD <br /><br />The pitch paragraphs are absolutely awesome! Very clearly states who Tethys is, what she wants, and how she plans to get it. I think the last paragraph is a little wordy; you could probably cut out the bit about mermaids, furry mercenaries, and the island's soil and not lose much of the action. If anything, it'll make the paragraph flow faster, and keep an agent on the edge of her seat! :D <br /><br />I'd love to see a bio paragraph, something of your writing credentials or yourself! :) <br /><br />Otherwise, nice work!!<br /><br />FIRST PAGES:<br /><br />And HOLY shiznits, I need to add an addendum to my query comment. Because your writing is stellar (haha, stellar. See what I did there?), and now I'm thinking your query doesn't do it nearly as much justice as it could. Seriously, you hook me instantly with the lift to an important meeting, and the internal thought of her uncle's words are PERFECTLY placed. Everything about this writing is YES to me. <br /><br />And omg, the description of the spaceship beyond the window... *le sigh* So, so perfect. Just in the way Tethys describes it, you can FEEL her desire. And because of that, you imagine yourself right next to her, sailing the stars on this ancient ship. <3 <br /><br />Aaand now I'm done reading, and that makes me very, very sad. Your writing is the best I've read so far, I think, and already I'm remarkably attached to Tethys and this world she lives in. Truly, truly beautiful. <br /><br />The ONLY comment I have about this sample is that a simple workout is kind of boring to start a book. Your writing engaged me start to finish, but when she began stretching and stuff, I was like, "Just did this earlier today. Get to the space combat!" And then she started a simulation with swords, and I was like, "HELLS YES." XD So if you do anything at all, I'd recommend cutting down the parts where she walks into the workout room and prepares for a workout, since not much happens. But I know whatever you replace it with will be simply lovely, and way more exciting. <br /><br />You're a really, truly talented writer. I mean, honestly, this is top-notch, and it won't be long before you're represented. Nice job! <3 Beckihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09315649277133242658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-82574048698104940002017-04-12T17:22:33.619-06:002017-04-12T17:22:33.619-06:00Thank you guys so much for all your suggestions an...Thank you guys so much for all your suggestions and comments! Much appreciated and I'll keep working on the query to make it clearer. VVnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-11090821825960796762017-04-12T16:03:06.971-06:002017-04-12T16:03:06.971-06:00Loved the story but the query was a bit disjointed...Loved the story but the query was a bit disjointed for me. It seemed after you told of her "craving to captain her vessel for the resistance" I got confused. I guess not knowing what or who was being resisted made the term confusing. I had to reread it to get the gist of the story. Maybe briefer and more concise query. still loved the premise and the startup. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9711088026103525372017-04-12T11:37:01.297-06:002017-04-12T11:37:01.297-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-54905405838801614732017-04-12T10:47:53.071-06:002017-04-12T10:47:53.071-06:00Hey!
I LOVED the query! The first paragraph reall...Hey!<br /><br />I LOVED the query! The first paragraph really grabbed me with Tethys' character and her motivations. My only comment on the query would be to change the third paragraph to include more stakes. The way it's written now, it feels like it spoils a lot of the ending (or at least the major scenes in the book) and from what I've heard, agents don't like that.<br /><br />As for the story, I'd start with the line "After today, I'll get everything I wanted..." because it's the line that really caught my interest. Oh man, I LOVED the fact that the music was from the lost boys! As for the prose, I'd get to the action a lot quicker. It felt like you started doing a little bit of info-dumping after the part where she talked about other trainees getting drunk instead of focusing, and it didn't pick up again until she started doing the special training. Otherwise, I love it, and I want to read more!Ali L.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-11231998823730179752017-04-12T09:31:47.397-06:002017-04-12T09:31:47.397-06:00I thought the query was good, but was thrown a bit...I thought the query was good, but was thrown a bit by the sudden mention of a resistance when no war had been mentioned. That's all I have to say about it! The rest is strong.L.A.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83790501459337293832017-04-12T09:06:40.447-06:002017-04-12T09:06:40.447-06:00At first, I wasn't sure what to expect. The qu...At first, I wasn't sure what to expect. The query didn't really draw me in. But, once you get into the prose, this has a fine sense of voice that really drew me into the narrative with some lovely imagery. Tethys is an intriguing character, and the first line ("It's difficult to tell what I feel the loudest") was such a juxtaposition of concepts that I was hooked.<br /><br />Great work, I'd definitely read more of this. Best of luck!Jefferyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05450881456117163075noreply@blogger.com