tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post7798410476298629445..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: Team Krista #6: THE FALLEN PRINCESSKrista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-77357768670833643272012-05-22T07:57:46.585-06:002012-05-22T07:57:46.585-06:00#6 The Fallen Princess
Query:
Illuminated manuscri...#6 The Fallen Princess<br />Query:<br />Illuminated manuscripts! Avoiding arranged marriage! You sucked me in right away. =)<br /><br />In the first sentence of paragraph 3, cut the comma between “Karavai” and “to marry…” Later, to keep things firmly in the present tense, you might revise to “the humiliation she HAS caused him.” And in the last sentence, I’d go with a colon instead of the em-dash.<br /><br />First Page: <br /><br />I like the scene overall—you do a nice job of setting it—but I wasn’t enthralled by the first line. In fact, from the first paragraph I thought that this would be a third-person story, since there’s nothing in there that seems to be specifically filtered through the MC’s consciousness. I think that inserting some kind of detail in there to make it more personal (a very bad example: “The breeze hit my face as the door to the palace workshop burst open…”) might be worth considering.<br /><br />Also, you seem to be going to great pains to avoid dialogue tags. I don’t think that one or two would be out of place, especially when the MC is speaking—since this is a room full of people, it’s not always 100% clear who’s doing the talking.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-30827100271703602142012-05-20T07:32:29.527-06:002012-05-20T07:32:29.527-06:00When Delfina set down her
squirrel-hair brush I wa...When Delfina set down her<br />squirrel-hair brush I was hooked.<br />Good luck!Tricia Quinnieshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02359436964542780815noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-63836092167789176652012-05-19T12:08:01.234-06:002012-05-19T12:08:01.234-06:00I love the illuminated manuscripts - I'd love ...I love the illuminated manuscripts - I'd love to read more of this. Great opening scene! Good luck to you!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89291474839453564042012-05-18T21:21:57.084-06:002012-05-18T21:21:57.084-06:00These pages hooked me in. I'd love to read mor...These pages hooked me in. I'd love to read more. I sense a very tense scene to follow! :)Valeriehttp://www.valerie-cole.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-16616858050193336322012-05-18T16:23:06.244-06:002012-05-18T16:23:06.244-06:00Great concept!! Love a good love story ;o)Great concept!! Love a good love story ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-13984415090759928332012-05-18T15:01:11.154-06:002012-05-18T15:01:11.154-06:00From the query alone, I'm desperate for these ...From the query alone, I'm desperate for these two to end up together! Good luck!April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-923610736781492112012-05-18T14:32:49.975-06:002012-05-18T14:32:49.975-06:001. Okay, just the GENRE of this one makes me want ...1. Okay, just the GENRE of this one makes me want to read.<br />2. Darclor sounds delicious.<br />3. This girl has ATTITUDe.<br /><br />Love it. Good luck!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-90987132030331496682012-05-18T13:45:45.964-06:002012-05-18T13:45:45.964-06:00I love this - I feel like the query has just been ...I love this - I feel like the query has just been taken up a notch since the last version I read. It looks so great!Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-87392847469951780742012-05-17T23:01:51.863-06:002012-05-17T23:01:51.863-06:00I enjoy a strong female MC. Yours seems very inte...I enjoy a strong female MC. Yours seems very interesting.<br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44604293257798547982012-05-17T19:16:01.658-06:002012-05-17T19:16:01.658-06:00Poor Delfina! I love that she has to charm him an...Poor Delfina! I love that she has to charm him and win back his heart. I'm a sucker for a good fantasy with a strong female MC and you've got it!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-24686123097773603622012-05-17T19:04:33.328-06:002012-05-17T19:04:33.328-06:00Nice job with the query. It's hard to sum up a...Nice job with the query. It's hard to sum up a complicated plot well, but you did. And talk about high stakes!Ben Spendlovehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17715176546668792509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-82622330736452513382012-05-17T18:48:00.845-06:002012-05-17T18:48:00.845-06:00Best of luck to you!Best of luck to you!tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83329872703958920172012-05-17T15:10:54.207-06:002012-05-17T15:10:54.207-06:00This is a world I would very much like to visit!This is a world I would very much like to visit!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83175441364599719002012-05-17T14:57:37.359-06:002012-05-17T14:57:37.359-06:00You hooked me at the painting of illuminated manus...You hooked me at the painting of illuminated manuscripts...and the excerpt is beautifully written! Go Team Krista!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-54800196465208276692012-05-17T14:01:45.086-06:002012-05-17T14:01:45.086-06:00Sounds like a great romance! I love the tension th...Sounds like a great romance! I love the tension that you bring into the very first scene.Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-54554549017074721542012-05-17T13:36:02.852-06:002012-05-17T13:36:02.852-06:00This sounds like a great story. Good luck to you.This sounds like a great story. Good luck to you.Suzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502606950280751205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-55402044606351900122012-05-17T13:26:16.079-06:002012-05-17T13:26:16.079-06:00Great work! Go Team Krista!Great work! Go Team Krista!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27379194883922555882012-05-17T12:46:59.935-06:002012-05-17T12:46:59.935-06:00This looks right up my alley. As Michelle said, br...This looks right up my alley. As Michelle said, bring on the art, love, and intrigue!Becky Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891727235981320025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9436887207362532202012-05-17T11:38:24.119-06:002012-05-17T11:38:24.119-06:00I may be a bit biased, since my story involves art...I may be a bit biased, since my story involves art too, but I love your premise. Go Team Krista!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-18955736397962999912012-05-17T11:11:12.098-06:002012-05-17T11:11:12.098-06:00I really love the idea of a princess who paints il...I really love the idea of a princess who paints illuminated manuscripts! What a great idea! You've done a fabulous job of incorporating unique details into this opening as well!Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-84351575508026947642012-05-17T09:48:29.926-06:002012-05-17T09:48:29.926-06:00Art, love and intrigue? Count me in! Go #TeamKrist...Art, love and intrigue? Count me in! Go #TeamKrista!Michelle Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00180842477967297259noreply@blogger.com