tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post7775964203870021659..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #4Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43261044456026267462011-07-04T11:43:03.392-06:002011-07-04T11:43:03.392-06:00I enjoyed your first page a lot! I personally love...I enjoyed your first page a lot! I personally love the long section of dialogue and think it works to draw the reader into your story. <br /><br />As for the query, I think the second one works much better. I'd be interested in seeing more of how magic itself plays a role in your world. Aside from the strange energy buzzing inside Will, I don't get a strong sense of the magic that will be present later on.<br /><br />Thanks so much for sharing! I definitely read the entire query and finished the sample page without stopping. I enjoyed it a lot. Good luck with everything!Nick Sanfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07873222729961727852noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-25682695962085308672011-06-30T20:45:20.389-06:002011-06-30T20:45:20.389-06:00Thanks ladies!Thanks ladies!Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-51843794211229486272011-06-30T13:03:00.423-06:002011-06-30T13:03:00.423-06:00I agree with Jessica. The second query is much cle...I agree with Jessica. The second query is much clearer. I would keep reading. I like the premise. good luckAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-13413225991009298302011-06-30T09:34:42.725-06:002011-06-30T09:34:42.725-06:00The second query I like a lot better.
The sampl...The second query I like a lot better. <br /><br />The sample page: I loved it when I read it on Shelley Watter's blog but after reading the query the first page confused me and lost me. By itself it brings you in and makes you want to read more. <br /><br />The concept is cool and I think you are very close. Good luck.Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15266768293318241499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43165733054577647402011-06-29T18:21:54.036-06:002011-06-29T18:21:54.036-06:00Great suggestions. I'll put some more work in...Great suggestions. I'll put some more work into the hook and re-examine the electrical humming detail. Thanks again!Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43931358872495420502011-06-29T16:42:01.138-06:002011-06-29T16:42:01.138-06:00Sharon, this is a better version. Your opening sen...Sharon, this is a better version. Your opening sentence works in the long run, but at first it's confusing whether it's metaphorical or literal. I'm not certain it's necessary for you to detail the "electic humming." Makes me wonder how much magic is in your book, but without more details (which I already warned you against) it isn't needed. It's enough that he's kidnapped and she has to fight against her greatest fear (bombs).The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-85608677013226596142011-06-29T15:29:45.156-06:002011-06-29T15:29:45.156-06:00Oops, I meant to change it to, "the President...Oops, I meant to change it to, "the President suspects that the King of <i>Trion</i> has kidnapped him." in paragraph three.Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7017997971954158862011-06-29T15:26:04.545-06:002011-06-29T15:26:04.545-06:00Hello feedback givers!
Based on the agent's f...Hello feedback givers!<br /><br />Based on the agent's feedback, I reverted to an earlier draft which has more world building. If you don't mind, let me know what you think about this one.<br /><br />Thanks!<br /><br /><br />Dear Agent,<br /><br />The sky turned black for days after the bomb killed her parents, and seventeen-year-old Lena Lowell will do anything to make sure the sky stays blue from now on.<br /><br />Living as a refugee in the Republic, Lena dates the aspiring young politician, Will Cole. She hopes that as future President and First Lady they can end the violence between the Republic and Lena’s homeland of Trion. However, the genetically engineered royal family of Trion plans to assassinate the son of the General who bombed their Capital, who happens to be Will.<br /><br />When Will tells her that he feels an agitating energy surging through his body, he thinks he’s losing his mind and wants it kept quiet. But Lena can feel the electricity humming beneath his skin and one touch sends a prickly sensation through her body. Lena hates to watch him suffer, so she investigates the cause of the energy on her own. Before she can find an answer, Will goes missing and the President suspects that the King of the enemy nation has kidnapped him. Lena must discover the secret of Will’s affliction and help bring him home before the Republic stops searching and starts bombing. If she fails, war will take away everything she loves for the second time in her life.<br /><br />STORMLAND is a 70,000 word young adult fantasy. It was a runner-up in the Made of Awesome blog contest judged by agent Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates. I have also been published in small press magazines such as Nerve Cowboy and Nomad's Choir. <br /><br />At your request, I would be pleased to send you more of STORMLAND. Thank you for your consideration.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />S.B.Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-73467371819973050572011-06-29T13:45:45.716-06:002011-06-29T13:45:45.716-06:00Thank you for the great feedback! It helps a lot....Thank you for the great feedback! It helps a lot.Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-1430107845798603842011-06-29T11:43:09.885-06:002011-06-29T11:43:09.885-06:00I get no sense of what the world is like here. And...I get no sense of what the world is like here. And your first sentence, rather than hooking me, confuses me. Too much plot setup in the query; you need to do a breif overview of who your main character is (setting since it's fantasy), and the main conflict without the specific details.<br /><br />Good overview of your bio, add another magazine for more credibility.<br /><br />Sample Page: I'm assuming this is prologue. If I had had twenty of your pages, I would have skipped all of the prologue and went to the first page. You rely too heavily on dialogue to TELL and forward the plot.The Agentnoreply@blogger.com