tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post715882405398958827..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #7Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-40372874175172340102016-10-27T10:56:03.952-06:002016-10-27T10:56:03.952-06:00Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much t...Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much this helps me, I will follow the advice given.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16839510119870792025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-25395688297399875142016-10-26T22:05:44.900-06:002016-10-26T22:05:44.900-06:00Hi, D.S.!
I think you have some strong ideas in y...Hi, D.S.!<br /><br />I think you have some strong ideas in your query! I would tend to agree with Adrianne that you can bring it to the next level by focusing just a bit more on specific stakes. <br /><br />Potential opportunities: <br /><br />- I'd consider starting your query with Lily running away, and not spend your "hook" on the freedom piece. "Princess doesn't have a lot of freedom" is a well-worn idea. What makes YOUR princess unique is that she takes the situation into her own hands and does something about it. I'd start with what makes your MC stand out - her strength and independence. <br /><br />- Stakes wise there does seem to be a bit of a jumble and it almost reads "list like." X happens, and then X happens, and then X happens. What is the main story problem? All those other sidelines may be important in a 64K book, but are they absolutely necessary in a 250-300 word query? Try focusing your target a bit :)<br /><br />- The little paragraph you start the 250 with is a bit confusing to me. Not in the actual content, but in a value-add sense. How important is this moment that it MUST be mentioned before we start the story at "present," 12 years after? It's a gear switch that I'm not sure needs to happen. Just consider asking yourself if it truly adds value when all is said and done. <br /><br />- I'd highly suggest plugging this into an text to speech e-reader or program. I can tell that you've put thought into voice by the way you've arranged some of your words; however, as the reader, I'm not reading this with your inflection and how you have it ingrained in your mind. If you run this through text to speech, I think several things will pop out at you - tweaks for clarity, typos, and grammar :)<br /><br />Things I liked: <br /><br />- There is a shortage of strong, female heroines (++++ diversity!!!). Kudos to you - definitely a strength of your entire concept. <br /><br />- Placed under a potential opportunity, but also something I liked was your voice in this. It's obvious that you're passionate for your book and you ENJOYED writing it :) Do the text to speech and bring it to the next level!<br /><br />Best of luck to you! JStrykerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00740420138655973467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-45430341519433485942016-10-26T13:46:51.438-06:002016-10-26T13:46:51.438-06:00This query does not stand out to me. It's fine...This query does not stand out to me. It's fine, but... As an agent, while I am always looking for a great new project, I simultaneously look to reject due to the volume of queries. So, that sometimes leads me to become a bit of a stickler, and even snarky which is not the querying writer's fault, I am just being honest. So for instance: " Being a princess in her kingdom does not give her the freedom of choice, who to marry, who to love and most of all, how an old prophecy takes over her life.<br />Princess Lily of Sakura-Nan, never had a choice on who her husband..."<br /><br />mentions not "having a choice" twice in quick succession, so that becomes a reason for me to stop reading. Again, it is not your fault, but it just makes me lose interest.The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83357118060912641922016-10-26T09:46:50.855-06:002016-10-26T09:46:50.855-06:00It sounds like you have a great story, and even a ...It sounds like you have a great story, and even a decent query, but I think some of the uniqueness and specifics get lost in some of the query. If you focus more on stakes, goals, and motivations, that will make your query stronger (in my opinion). And 64k for a YA fantasy seems a tad on the short side...but I'm not an expert in genre word counts. <br /><br />I like the opening 250. I think it could be made stronger, perhaps, by a little bit of line editing, just parsing down description to bare minimum at the moment. It sounds like a great story.Adriannenoreply@blogger.com