tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post6515734832259103197..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: Team Krista #10: THELMA BEEKrista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-37200475361177431732012-05-22T08:02:14.716-06:002012-05-22T08:02:14.716-06:00#10 THELMA BEE
Query:
I like the opening sentenc...#10 THELMA BEE<br /><br />Query:<br /><br />I like the opening sentence of your query, but to me it suggested more of a contemporary story than the paranormal one that seems to develop. In fact, the whole first paragraph does. I think you can cut that paragraph substantially—for instance, the best friend doesn’t get mentioned by name again, so it’s not important to give him a big intro here. Get the ghost/kidnapping stuff from the 2nd paragraph up in there instead.<br /><br />(Also, hyphenate “sixth grade” when used as an adjective before “year.”)<br /><br />First page: <br /><br />The tone here is very cute and middle-gradey—I especially love all the jokes in the second paragraph. My hang-up is that it doesn’t match the tone of the query at all. And that really gives me pause. What kind of story is this going to be—the dark and devious one promised by the query, or the light and quirky one of the first page? Neither the title nor your listed genre are giving me any clues to this, and I can’t read the next few pages, so I’ll just say that if it’s the latter, you may want to rethink your query some.Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-74366430874397801532012-05-21T10:09:07.085-06:002012-05-21T10:09:07.085-06:00I vote for you!I vote for you!Susan Hawkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09089666265680888535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44994119578283709622012-05-21T09:42:14.825-06:002012-05-21T09:42:14.825-06:00I vote for you!I vote for you!Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literaryhttp://www.emliterary.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-85053601762175678872012-05-19T10:01:30.735-06:002012-05-19T10:01:30.735-06:00I love the voice and the MG appeal. I teach many k...I love the voice and the MG appeal. I teach many kids I'd love to recommend this to. Even the first line of your query has strong voice - pulls me right in. Good luck!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-86757487967526528382012-05-18T16:17:50.233-06:002012-05-18T16:17:50.233-06:00Great MG voice. The writing is beautiful too ;o)Great MG voice. The writing is beautiful too ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-83818213924823298852012-05-18T14:41:46.759-06:002012-05-18T14:41:46.759-06:00Always love seeing the other wonderful MG entries ...Always love seeing the other wonderful MG entries in this contest! Good luck!April Wallhttp://aewelch.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-64718711279978359152012-05-18T13:58:38.738-06:002012-05-18T13:58:38.738-06:00"where the creaking trees have long memories...."where the creaking trees have long memories..."<br /><br />*sigh* that is beautiful. And just in the query!<br /><br />Thelma Bee sounds like one spunky girl! Rooting for her - and you!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12405389594923420792012-05-18T13:32:23.152-06:002012-05-18T13:32:23.152-06:00Yay Thelma Bee! Love it. Love, love, love. That is...Yay Thelma Bee! Love it. Love, love, love. That is all.Becca C.http://beccaweston.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27403378551242735422012-05-17T22:33:59.235-06:002012-05-17T22:33:59.235-06:00I love a good MG heroine. Thelma is awesome, I ca...I love a good MG heroine. Thelma is awesome, I can already tell.<br /><br />Good luck!TYHatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00654651712633828288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-85138136687999963492012-05-17T20:24:13.537-06:002012-05-17T20:24:13.537-06:00Cute! I love the name, Thelma - it oozes with char...Cute! I love the name, Thelma - it oozes with character!Danahttp://momslifeponderings.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46627470546059413722012-05-17T19:27:48.829-06:002012-05-17T19:27:48.829-06:00This was my kind of adventure book when I was grow...This was my kind of adventure book when I was growing up! I adore this idea and I can see my neice picking it up today! Great job!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-57660043279862364202012-05-17T18:49:18.759-06:002012-05-17T18:49:18.759-06:00If I remember right, the query is even better than...If I remember right, the query is even better than before. Likable characters right from the start.Ben Spendlovehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17715176546668792509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-81331222657433129722012-05-17T18:11:24.535-06:002012-05-17T18:11:24.535-06:00Love it. Especially love the details about the an...Love it. Especially love the details about the antique shop.tlbodinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334888426768433724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-10995500154981684522012-05-17T14:28:50.649-06:002012-05-17T14:28:50.649-06:00Both the query and the first page are just oozing ...Both the query and the first page are just oozing character and whimsy and all the things I love about a book. Great job! Go Team Krista!Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-85009378157162858192012-05-17T14:28:10.984-06:002012-05-17T14:28:10.984-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Lisa K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00379245068324225101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-50674727398981587992012-05-17T13:53:17.308-06:002012-05-17T13:53:17.308-06:00I love that the actions starts sooner in your firs...I love that the actions starts sooner in your first 25o. (I still love that description (and name change) of the shop. Hilarious!Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47209000398466928122012-05-17T13:35:30.293-06:002012-05-17T13:35:30.293-06:00Your first sentence is awesome! A "thing"...Your first sentence is awesome! A "thing" not a "someone" is very mysterious and intriguing. <br /><br />And yay for middle grade!Julie DeGuiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223163526525906669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-21177413432671094992012-05-17T13:05:23.893-06:002012-05-17T13:05:23.893-06:00Go Team Krista MGers! I love this... can't wai...Go Team Krista MGers! I love this... can't wait to see it on the shelves one day. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-5338651966770496052012-05-17T12:43:04.290-06:002012-05-17T12:43:04.290-06:00What a cute voice!What a cute voice!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-55474511390987844952012-05-17T12:39:00.493-06:002012-05-17T12:39:00.493-06:00Yes yes yes! Love your voice and your premise, and...Yes yes yes! Love your voice and your premise, and as a born and bred New Englander, I can picture the setting perfectly. I'd buy this in a heartbeat!Becky Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891727235981320025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-22993281527009252632012-05-17T11:33:35.917-06:002012-05-17T11:33:35.917-06:00You had me at full-scale Viking Longship!
This so...You had me at full-scale Viking Longship!<br /><br />This sounds so fun. Yay middle grade!!Ann Bradenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06948850218207863022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-52923263725133939632012-05-17T11:31:26.822-06:002012-05-17T11:31:26.822-06:00Such voice! Such a short excerpt and I can already...Such voice! Such a short excerpt and I can already picture Thelma. Go Team Krista!Sarahhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-50869519015546578942012-05-17T11:16:33.943-06:002012-05-17T11:16:33.943-06:00This is exactly the kind of Middle Grade I'd l...This is exactly the kind of Middle Grade I'd love to read to my kids. Something adventurous, and intriguing, with a lot of heart and great details.Noelle Henryhttp://noellehenry.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-77255989328187043132012-05-17T09:27:33.460-06:002012-05-17T09:27:33.460-06:00Yay for #TeamKrista MG! I love your description of...Yay for #TeamKrista MG! I love your description of Thelma as an adventurer-in-training and the quirky details in the query. I want to know how her mom got the nickname "Goosefoot" ...Michelle Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00180842477967297259noreply@blogger.com