tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post6319814197009494861..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #39Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-75598427434418138402017-03-28T08:13:56.152-06:002017-03-28T08:13:56.152-06:00Much thanks to The Agent for your time and insight...Much thanks to The Agent for your time and insightful feedback! I'll get to work on the prose immediately. Perrin Birkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17603195927599662246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65558167576740049352017-03-27T14:55:08.437-06:002017-03-27T14:55:08.437-06:00I like how you tell us not just what your novel is...I like how you tell us not just what your novel is about, but also the genre and word count, in an engaging and interesting way. I'm hooked already!<br /><br />This is a good solid query and everything hit the right notes for me - including the comp titles. I'd definitely read on.<br /><br />The text:<br /><br />Avoid phrases like "like an apparition in the fog" and "mirth played in her smile" - they feel like cliches.<br /><br />Instead of "A scattering of late morning clouds spat intermittent rain onto the parking lot’s pavement and kicked up a chill breeze" - say: "Late morning clouds spat rain onto the parking lot's pavement. There was a chill in the air." - or something like that.<br /><br />Great ending - it's an interesting hook! But I'm not sure the writing here is strong enough. Focus on tightening your prose and avoiding cliches. This is definitely a case where I felt the voice in your query was stronger than the one in your text! Try to work on the text so that they match!The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-78671743532128431242017-03-23T13:22:58.757-06:002017-03-23T13:22:58.757-06:00Thanks so much, everyone, for the excellent feedba...Thanks so much, everyone, for the excellent feedback. Will incorporate changes and sharpen the query, plus deepen the opening. Thanks again!Perrin Birkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17603195927599662246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-49567579441589203852017-03-22T22:18:33.212-06:002017-03-22T22:18:33.212-06:00I loved the 250 words! But the query has a lot of ...I loved the 250 words! But the query has a lot of confusing sentences. Erin voiced my concerns, but now that I read the sample, I'm also wondering why she'd book such an important gig if she knew she was struggling with the trauma of her husband's murder. Show biz is rough, but I think some kind soul would have let her postpone the concert.<br /><br />I'd suggest paying special attention to that second paragraph. there is a *lot* going on there, so maybe you can break it up into two? Or cut some of the information? Either way, it's good; it just needs some editing and paring down. Good luck with your revisions!Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16529767708330742025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-51789908071191297612017-03-22T19:00:38.805-06:002017-03-22T19:00:38.805-06:00Query: But with the New York Met awaiting Krista’s...Query: But with the New York Met awaiting Krista’s spring performance, and fearing she may never sing again, the opera diva struggles to overcome paralyzing inner turmoil, all while navigating the threats and regrets of the living and the dead. - This sentence is a mouthful. Can you split it into two? Also, I'd really love it to connect back with her desire to find her birth mother. <br /><br />250: It's good, but I would like more setting. I feel like it starts a bit abruptly, and I'd like to be grounded a bit more. The dialogue is interesting, but I want more description - not just of the scenery, but of our characters. Also I'd like to know more of our MC's thoughts. It's first person POV so let us get into her head a bit more.<br /><br />Interesting premise though! Good luck! :)K.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446642823149090759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-10700393468030751572017-03-22T11:29:53.051-06:002017-03-22T11:29:53.051-06:00I'm so intrigued by this plot!
Your query mak...I'm so intrigued by this plot!<br /><br />Your query makes me wonder several questions about the world you've created. Why does Krista have a guardian ghost to begin with? Did he personally know her birth mother? If she only has Owen as a connection to the spirit world, how is she meant to help a ghost at the mansion and why is she specifically meant to save them? I think having a bit more clarification would help the summary. <br /><br />I really like your comp titles!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12871534504270700863noreply@blogger.com