tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post6200740697600849298..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #14Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27726848586402940692017-04-17T22:21:47.621-06:002017-04-17T22:21:47.621-06:00E.F., thank you for your interest and participatio...E.F., thank you for your interest and participation in this contest! I would love to know more about how the various elements of the world are connected, since it’s somewhat unusual to see elements of both science fiction (VR role-playing games) and fantasy (witches and necromancy). Without understanding the connections between the two, it was hard for me to connect with the concept of your story, though I was extremely interested in the individual elements. However, I wasn't personally engaged by Alice’s narration and characterization as it felt too trivial in conjunction with the plot as described in your query letter. <br /><br />N.B. I agree with the other participants' comments on stepping over the line of professionalism with familiarity, but it personally didn't bother me. Scratch muffins for all! The Agent [GP]noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9113921037142855062017-04-14T10:41:37.407-06:002017-04-14T10:41:37.407-06:00Thank you all for the helpful advice!! I can defin...Thank you all for the helpful advice!! I can definitely clean up areas and make it clearer what's going with the whole adoption thing and also the stakes! I appreciate everyone's time to critique! <br />Also yes I am sorry haha I wasn't trying to be creepy to ms. Piraino - I actually did have a positive response from another agent when I opened with baking as a common interest but I totally can see that it comes off as bad and perhaps too personal :) thanks again to everyone! Boundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11930415365091637979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-40553054877833057952017-04-13T16:03:19.905-06:002017-04-13T16:03:19.905-06:00QUERY:
I definitely agree, the baked goods bit is...QUERY:<br /><br />I definitely agree, the baked goods bit is a liiiittle creepy. I totally know it's meant in the best, well-intending way possible, but you don't know the agent, and she doesn't know you. That's an offer you make to neighbors, not someone you're potentially entering into a business relationship with. :/<br /><br />I love the idea of your story!! The drug is very creative, and bringing witches into a role-playing game scenario is incredibly unique. :D I think that hook line could be rephrased to be more succinct, but otherwise, solid intro!!<br /><br />The second paragraph is a little confusing. We don't know enough about the Nexus for it to be referenced so casually, and I want more information about why Dar is shot, and how Alice finds out she can save him. :) The pitch is great, so if you nail that second paragraph and rephrase the hook, you'll be golden. :D<br /><br />And your credentials are really great! Is Alice Korean? If she is, you should totally mention this is #ownvoices. That would really help lend an air of authenticity and diversity to your novel. :) <br /><br />FIRST PAGES:<br /><br />"There are only about two dozen hostiles between me and freedom." That line made me laugh out loud!! It's zingy and enticing and perfect as an opening line. I'd reshuffle that first paragraph to have that line first, then follow with the raising the mother from the dead and other credentials that prove she shouldn't be scared of high schoolers, but she is. :P <br /><br />The insight into a Korean adoption in a small white town is really vivid and eye-opening. Love the internal monologue from Alice's POV, and how her outcast status (self-perceived or not) affects her personality!<br /><br />I also adore her dad's nickname for her. :D <br /><br />Although Trina flirting with a grown man is a little creepy. I'd rework some of her comments to be more charismatic than flirtatious. It's just weird to me when high schoolers flirt with adults. >.< <br /><br />And Trina's comments about Alice's mom don't really seem "jabbing" to me... More like curiosity, maybe trying to butter Alice's dad up with some flattery (which is still creepy, but not outright mean). After all, she didn't say anything BAD about Alice's mom. Just that her picture was hanging in the gym. Maybe it would make the insecure Alice cringe, but I don't think it'd be enough to rattle her dad, who seems like a pretty level-headed guy. Something to think about. :)<br /><br />Also, it only just occurred to me during their car conversation that the dead mom might not be Alice's biological mom. We know she was an orphan, but I feel like some clarification that it's her adopted mom would be useful! Also, what's the scandal around her mom's death? Just because they adopted a Korean child? Or did she die some other way, like maybe with Wake? Details like this would help ground us to the story and Alice's plight! :D <br /><br />Although, OOH. With the information about her mom (sorry, I'm commenting as I read chronologically), I TOTALLY get it now. Makes much more sense. To avoid the confusion I initially felt reading this chapter, you may want to consider dropping hints about how her mom REALLY died during the conversation with Trina. Maybe she wrinkles her nose and tells Alice, "Yeah, well, be careful around the scissors. You don't want to end up like your mom." Or something. Then when she mentions her mother to Alice's dad, his tensing would make sense; Alice has already been taunted by this girl once. :)<br /><br />Overall, your writing is awesome! The story is engaging, and the characters seem great. With a little background development, I think this will be a really solid story!! Nice job! <3 Beckihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09315649277133242658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-62708225579906774582017-04-13T13:25:58.609-06:002017-04-13T13:25:58.609-06:00This sounds like a really interesting idea, but I ...This sounds like a really interesting idea, but I agree with the previous comment above about your query's first line, I would definitely eliminate that. It really doesn't have anything to do with the query and almost comes off as artificial. If you can't think of anything personal to say, then its probably best not to say anything and just jump in.<br /><br />I like the query, but you've got a lot going on at once. I guess what I really need to know is what all this means for Alice? What will it mean for her that she might be a witch or a necromancer? What are her personal stakes. Since she is our window into this world, I want to know why I should care about her specifically. Also definitely mention Dev is the foster brother, not just child. <br /><br />Pages: I thought you did a good job introducing your protagonist and setting up her "day in the life" as it were, while at the same time giving us some crucial backstory and character details. You also got the mention of the drug in there which was a must, so nicely done.Eric Warrenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09824920224981897855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46073720657559764862017-04-12T11:47:39.235-06:002017-04-12T11:47:39.235-06:00Your concept and story sound AMAZING, but I think ...Your concept and story sound AMAZING, but I think the query doesn't quite do it justice yet. There are several conflicts introduced at once -- the coven war, Dar's death, the sensual warlock -- and it all gets a little hard to follow. I'd recommend picking one of those conflicts and building the rest of the query around that. That way, you can develop that one conflict further, and have space to give more information about Alice and the Nexus.Ellie Blackwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06835223000117374524noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-59685334276089060432017-04-12T11:30:10.553-06:002017-04-12T11:30:10.553-06:00Hi!
First of all, I LOVED the hook in the first l...Hi!<br /><br />First of all, I LOVED the hook in the first line of your query! It had me sitting up in my chair to pay attention haha. I LOVE the Bone Witch by Rin Chupoce (favorite read of 2017 so far!) and I like that you use it as a comp title.<br /><br />However, I must say, the first line made me cringe haha. When addressing an agent, I've heard they like the query to be personalized, but with regards to what they represent in the industry and how it works with what you're presenting / similar titles / authors they represent, not personal interests. It's a sweet idea, but offering to cook for them could give the wrong impression haha.<br /><br />Question: in the query, it says she raises Dar from the dead, but he doesn't have a soul. Does that make him a zombie? Does he have free will, or is he just a walking corpse? Also, if they've only just met, it seems weird she'd go to such lengths to save him. What's the emotional connection between them? If he's one of the main characters, really amp up the character relationships in the query letter to get the agent to care about their relationship, too. (Okay, after I read the pages, I realized they were adopted siblings. DEFINITELY include that in the query, it packs an emotional punch). <br /><br />Hmmm. The last paragraph feels rushed. Currently, the only conflict we have is the main character coming to terms with her power and trying to save a boy we don't know much about. At the beginning you mention the drug, but then it never comes into play in the query. Does she want to stop the drug forever? Does she want to confront the witches who are stealing souls? What's at stake for her if she fails? Those are all important things to consider in the query. :) <br /><br />Love, love, LOVE the first line of your pages! Great hook. The pages were really strong, especially the way you managed to sneak in backstory without info-dumping. I didn't get that Trina and Dahlin weren't friends at first. Is there anyway to include animosity between them, maybe show how she makes Dahlin nervous or anxious with visceral responses? But WOW, I freaking loved it, and I want to read more! Great job!Ali L.noreply@blogger.com