tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post6071335586439568018..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #9Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43036235922160247232012-09-24T10:14:46.198-06:002012-09-24T10:14:46.198-06:00I'm into this! I would definitely keep reading...I'm into this! I would definitely keep reading, and while I'm all about maintaining focus on one character, I think that for a book told in alternating POV's - equally dedicated to each member of the band - it was okay to list them all. I'm only one agent, so I can't speak for others, but it didn't bother me. Well done!Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-81877810827073247312012-09-20T12:21:52.558-06:002012-09-20T12:21:52.558-06:00I like this a lot. I think you do a pretty good jo...I like this a lot. I think you do a pretty good job establishing both the tone of your piece and your voice as an author even in the query, which is fairly rare. Excellent work.<br /><br />I didn't have to much of a problem with the alternating POVs paragraph, but I do think you could condense it considerably, just to clue the agent in, something along the lines of "Charlie's not the only one running away-- each and every one of her friends has something they want to escape" and then go right to "Exhausting shows. . ." Hm. Maybe that works-- anyway, I think you see the point I'm trying to make.<br /><br />The first 250 is excellent. Again, your voice is clear as a bell. One point that struck me as odd though was "Safety. Finally." Odd because only "safety" was in italics, implying it is a thought (at least to me), when it seems like "finally" should be italicized as well.<br /><br />Anyway, great query and excellent writing! B.C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-62868071384970852762012-09-20T12:02:36.620-06:002012-09-20T12:02:36.620-06:00Yes! Another Pacific Northwesterner! I promise not...Yes! Another Pacific Northwesterner! I promise not to let my bias color my critique :)<br /><br />The first sentence of your query is a solid hook, and you keep it up through the whole query. Unlike the others, I actually LIKE that you tell us about the other bandmates, because, well, if this was on the back cover of a book, we'd want that information, wouldn't we? Well, except maybe that Layla and Roxanne are related. I do, however, have a few tweaks: would teenagers know who Jim Morrison was? I do, and did, but that's because my parents love classic rock. My point is it can date you (which I've been guilty of myself) so be careful with your comparisons. And is M.J. trying to escape a secret, or has she? Because if she's trying, the rest of the sentence makes sense. If she HAS escaped it, the rest of the sentence doesn't.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-43876879706426776572012-09-20T09:49:48.979-06:002012-09-20T09:49:48.979-06:00I can understand your dilemma, but I've seen a...I can understand your dilemma, but I've seen agents say to focus on one character in the query, and it makes sense to do that with the one who's introduced first in the story. As Mia said, you could mention the alternating points of view in that word count paragraph. You probably don't even have to say they're third person since they'll get that from the sample. <br /><br />That being said, I could see keeping the first and last sentences of that third paragraph. The first 250 is strong, although it would be helpful to be a little more grounded in where exactly they are. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-38955327192930000822012-09-20T09:11:31.740-06:002012-09-20T09:11:31.740-06:00Thanks all for the feedback! I struggled with the ...Thanks all for the feedback! I struggled with the query because the book is written from four different perspectives (a la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants). I didn't want to throw out all the characters right away, but maybe the third paragraph is too late? I focused on Charlie because she has the first POV chapter. <br /><br />Thank you all again!<br /><br />-R.S.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-32546625071977327492012-09-20T08:31:33.152-06:002012-09-20T08:31:33.152-06:00Oh man. I want this. It is right up my alley.
I d...Oh man. I want this. It is right up my alley.<br /><br />I do agree with the comments about the woedy paragraph, but I kind of liked it. Chelseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08279604060499054571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-37587311654407737952012-09-20T05:25:50.806-06:002012-09-20T05:25:50.806-06:00There is no way I wouldn't give more attention...There is no way I wouldn't give more attention to a ms with a band called The Wretched Gretchens in it! That alone would make me keep reading--but the rest is good too.Kristen Wixtedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06270464973842125576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-45387008002208511072012-09-19T16:35:10.759-06:002012-09-19T16:35:10.759-06:00I like how you started your query, but your third ...I like how you started your query, but your third paragraph loses me with all those people. I think you can just continue your focus on Charlie, and where you mention 'and told from alternative third-person perspectives' add in that it is from the other band members, or something.<br /><br />I liked how your opened in your first 250, but you've said "she asked, waiting for someone to deny it" and then the other band members walk in. Wouldn't it be better to say "waiting for Charlie to deny it" if Charlie was the only one in the room with Roxanne? <br /><br />Also I assume the best friend reference is Roxanne, but as others have walked in it could be any one of them. Unless your next line clarifies then it doesn't matter.<br /><br />I'd probably keep reading. Good luck with it. :)Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-49703849859385215852012-09-19T10:28:46.109-06:002012-09-19T10:28:46.109-06:00I really enjoyed your query until it got to the pa...I really enjoyed your query until it got to the part where everyone's goals were listed. Stick to your MC in the query. Everyone else just muddies the water. I love your band name. Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.com