tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post5622612669609210243..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #12Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-52654424119602951312016-08-11T07:51:06.398-06:002016-08-11T07:51:06.398-06:00Nice opening line :-)Nice opening line :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-26465479988599621892016-08-09T10:58:47.254-06:002016-08-09T10:58:47.254-06:00This is a great query (with very effective persona...This is a great query (with very effective personalization!) but alas, it falls victim to the dystopian issue. As I mentioned in my response to entry #11, post-HUNGER GAMES/DIVERGENT ( and THE SELECTION, too), publishers significantly overbought YA dystopian, much of which did poorly... and as a result this kind of story is very tough to sell in the current market. So, while this does sound like a fun twist on the genre, anything YA dystopian is nearly impossible with the big houses right now - which means that despite the strong writing, I'm not confident I could place this, and would have to pass.Patricia Nelsonhttp://www.marsallyonliteraryagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9528894722664251522016-08-07T14:09:57.887-06:002016-08-07T14:09:57.887-06:00Thanks for letting me know. Look me up if your oth...Thanks for letting me know. Look me up if your other CPs don't work out. 😜Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-73703710981272334302016-08-06T19:41:16.191-06:002016-08-06T19:41:16.191-06:00I really love your query! You have an original pre...I really love your query! You have an original premise and a great sense of humor. Your voice really comes across in the query. I don't have anything to suggest there.<br /><br />But for your first 250 words: I suggest starting with either the bachelor colony or the clone. Those both seem like the really interesting parts of your story--the place where I go, "oh, this is cool." So I think either of them would make a better opening.<br /><br />I really enjoyed the humor in your opening too! You've got a winning story here.<br /><br />I'm also the poster of NPC (#14). I was really intrigued by your offer to CP. However, I recently joined an online writer's group and ended up with 4 critique partners, so I'm just too swamped to read with someone else too. But it looks like your book doesn't need much polishing, it seems great already!Katherine T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16694801421672317076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-70964129808773492472016-08-04T17:14:28.841-06:002016-08-04T17:14:28.841-06:00Love the humor.
Only problem I had with the que...Love the humor. <br /><br />Only problem I had with the query--you say in the first sentence there "aren't enough lasses to go around." Then, you have the line "Unfortunately 500 other lads have similar plans for Wendy." I thought you might want to briefly state who Wendy is (it didn't take me long to figure it out--just a little jarring at first).<br /><br />And i thought MAYBE start the action of the story with Travis since he's the main character--but gotta say i also love that first line. Decisions, decisions.<br /><br />Good job, overall.<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13003689119690954831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-41632280924400752162016-08-03T18:58:42.812-06:002016-08-03T18:58:42.812-06:00Debbie, I really appreciate your suggestions. I...Debbie, I really appreciate your suggestions. I'm excited to add a few lines to make the beginning more engaging. Very helpful!!Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-32341816502786156112016-08-03T18:32:46.293-06:002016-08-03T18:32:46.293-06:00Wonderful query. Simply wonderful.
On the 250 wor...Wonderful query. Simply wonderful.<br /><br />On the 250 words, I got hung up on Da's first comments (which I condense here), "I don't have time for this. I'll miss my shows." This feels a tad generic. What exactly does Da do when he hears he has to go? What show is so important to him (another chance for your sense of humor to shine, inventing a name)? What wonderful, funny, idiotic thing are the little brothers hoping Da will do? I think with something more specific right here, you'd add even more punch.<br /><br />The humor you put into your writing is wonderful. I can see this going over very well indeed.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00646952181181905166noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-52931383192835779312016-08-03T16:50:20.112-06:002016-08-03T16:50:20.112-06:00I agree with the other comments that the first lin...I agree with the other comments that the first line in your query made me want to read more. The concept is humorous and unusual. You set the stakes very well.<br /><br />Your 250 words did a great job introducing Travis.<br /><br />Nice!!<br />KEMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31767040267813699932016-08-03T16:09:41.507-06:002016-08-03T16:09:41.507-06:00Your query drew me right in from the first line! I...Your query drew me right in from the first line! I was immediately trying to figure out why a 16 year old would have a drive to get married. You did such a good job of explaining in the bits and pieces as you should while still keeping me enthralled. Great!Ranee`https://www.blogger.com/profile/08982272894927029549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-79755966043392590892016-08-03T12:38:02.167-06:002016-08-03T12:38:02.167-06:00This is delightful. Such an original premise, and ...This is delightful. Such an original premise, and yes, I, too laughed out loud. I loved it. This will appeal to non Sci fi readers because of the humor. Puts me in the mind of The Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy.Laura Moehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04827474421798014522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-2833467557537363832016-08-03T10:45:13.636-06:002016-08-03T10:45:13.636-06:00I laughed out loud at your lead line. Your voice d...I laughed out loud at your lead line. Your voice drew me right in. This beginning made me super curious to traipse deeper into this world. Leslie S. Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17122865337924270039noreply@blogger.com