tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post5481801074487862442..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #47Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-84552964192077854792011-09-29T11:29:40.105-06:002011-09-29T11:29:40.105-06:00This is really strong overall. I feel like the que...This is really strong overall. I feel like the query could stand to be boiled down a bit further, but the opening paragraphs feel just about perfect in tone and pitch. <br /><br />This feels like a situation where the premise doesn't grab me strongly enough that I'd pursue it for my list, but the writing seems very strong and I'd definitely want to be on the list for seeing future works.The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-19153048610106219562011-09-29T09:26:13.987-06:002011-09-29T09:26:13.987-06:00I really like your excerpt. Car accidents are some...I really like your excerpt. Car accidents are something I've read a lot but yours is different and I like how it goes from laughter and fun to suddenly you're in a tree.<br /><br />That being said--and maybe this is a little nitpicky--I don't like the references to weightlessness and freefall. Because unless the car is plummeting down the side of a cliff, I don't think that's really what she's experiencing. In a skidding car you're not feeling freefall or weightlessness. You're feeling your bodily inertia fight the car's movements, so you're right, its a lot of jerking and lurching. <br /><br />So I'd remove the first line, make the second paragraph present tense and then remove the reference to free fall at the beginning of the fourth. I personally think it would make it stronger and a little more believable.<br /><br />As for the query, I agree with Leigh Ann about cutting the Tommy portion. I would focus on Maggie and how (and why) she is trying to meet her Maker. Right now the query is a little confusing for me. I'm definitely interested in a girl who finds out she's a cyborg and you present a very interesting idea, but I'm not sure about "the bald dude" or why it matters if a doctor knows about her condition, and these are small facts that I don't need which simple distract me. <br /><br />But once again, overall, I think you have a great concept and your writing excerpt is very strong. I would definitely want to keep reading!Mandy P.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9762170128019397942011-09-28T18:22:29.001-06:002011-09-28T18:22:29.001-06:00A very intriguing concept and plot--love it! I di...A very intriguing concept and plot--love it! I did have a question from the query...why does she think her Maker can help? I guess her parents explained? But, why would she think she could get back her human parts? If she was two when he operated, they really wouldn't fit anymore! lol Sorry, maybe that's just me.<br /><br />I like the sample. It's a bit of a dive into the action, but it works. I guess my only quibble would be that her and the boyfriend making fun of his ex makes them both sound a little bit...jerkish. Which, maybe they are, but starting the story with a pov that makes me flinch could lose some readers.Suzanne Warrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15141459404743769260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-29642141927090736322011-09-28T16:42:24.832-06:002011-09-28T16:42:24.832-06:00I love this too. I've seen bits and pieces pop...I love this too. I've seen bits and pieces pop up all over the place and I love it all. Your query keeps getting stronger and think you've almost got it. I do think you can leave out Tommy, but otherwise great job!Jenny Kaczorowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00289053983485597342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-10527362592328109162011-09-28T11:15:54.597-06:002011-09-28T11:15:54.597-06:00OMG HERE YOU ARE I WAS SO HOPING TO SEE COATC!!!!
...OMG HERE YOU ARE I WAS SO HOPING TO SEE COATC!!!!<br /><br />*deep breath*<br /><br />Okay.<br /><br />Query - As much as I love Tommy (TEAM TOMMY) and believe Geek Love should always be a part of any plan...I think you can cut all that out of the query. I think it bloats it, and distracts from the awesomeness of CYBORGS HELLO.<br /><br />My only crit for your first 250 is that I really want to see something about her arm being metal. "Ruined" and "not right" isn't grabby enough - it just sounds a little gross.<br /><br />Although I guess when you're pubbed, that will be somewhere in the logline, so....<br /><br />BEST OF LUCK!!! AHHHH!!!!Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.com