tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post5424169769202348637..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #4Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12538383945458625512012-09-24T11:35:13.829-06:002012-09-24T11:35:13.829-06:00I think the tone and voice of this; it's fun a...I think the tone and voice of this; it's fun and engaging. Ultimately, though, I had some basic concerns about this. First, at 112K it's a little bit too long. Most YA should fall between 60 - 90K. Second, it's hard enough to sell a paranormal YA in which the protagonist has visions, but combine that with secret society's and I just don't know if I could do it.Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31839466866469778812012-09-24T10:39:25.214-06:002012-09-24T10:39:25.214-06:00This comment has been removed by the author.Hell Braiserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00179957567210292845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-14704595634857435052012-09-20T11:40:45.786-06:002012-09-20T11:40:45.786-06:00There's plenty of voice and intrigue in the sa...There's plenty of voice and intrigue in the sample. I wish I could read more. <br /><br />I think you've started in a fun place and I can easily visualize the scene. LOVE the sentence:"It was an unfortunate event caused by a momentary hiccup in my sanity."<br />Who hasn't had some of those?! ;)<br /><br />My only nitpick would be to remove the word "physically" in the 3rd paragraph.<br /><br />Good luck!Carmenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01502915116446772081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89594953990461026722012-09-20T09:43:32.682-06:002012-09-20T09:43:32.682-06:00While I like the idea of a girl having the power t...While I like the idea of a girl having the power to see other people's deaths and attempt to stop them. I was kinda turned off that she decided to stop until it was her life that was at stake. I would rather see her try and fail, and then start to get better at her "mission" than to just quit. <br /><br />I also got hung up on the Society of Soteira. You tell us what Brooks thinks and then you elude to the idea that maybe she's wrong, which I like, but I think you might want to smooth it out a little and work on the flow of that explaination.<br /><br />As for your 250 words, there are few grammatical and tense issues that pulled me away from the story and made it hard to get to know Brooks. You might want to spend a little time polishing it up.<br /><br />Again, I like the premise, but there were too many little things that made it hard for me to really get into your story. Good luck!S.S. #20noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-18896809483713228022012-09-19T21:44:17.981-06:002012-09-19T21:44:17.981-06:00I like the tone and voice of the query and there&#...I like the tone and voice of the query and there's a strong voice to the first page as well. My first concern is that this is 112K paranormal. Fantasy books can run that high, but it's rare for a YA paranormal. <br /><br />Next, I agree with the above, that line should read "I couldn't care less." And the next to the last line should read "...maybe he shouldn't be at another girl's house..."<br /><br />I like the tone and voice, but I'm confused as to why she would be stalking her rival. At first I assumed she was stalking someone she saw in one of her visions, but it doesn't seem like that's case. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, but there's just not enough room here.<br /><br />Good luck!Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-66666248409844189382012-09-19T13:04:24.993-06:002012-09-19T13:04:24.993-06:00I really like the tone of the query but I'm ha...I really like the tone of the query but I'm having issues with the very second sentence of your first page. "I could care less," implies that Brooks already cares to a certain degree, which I doubt is what this was meant to portray. <br /><br />While something like that would not put me off a book entirely, it would certainly make me wary about quality from the get go. So something to keep an eye out for!<br /><br />And I think the story sounds really cool, and would definitely be something I'd read. Jay Bendthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00504468061894845370noreply@blogger.com