tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4946008308519316105..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #3Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-45649309013397899602016-03-17T18:22:51.917-06:002016-03-17T18:22:51.917-06:00What a fresh premise! I thought you did a great jo...What a fresh premise! I thought you did a great job setting the novel up in your query letter. That being said, I didn't feel a true sense of stakes. You want to end your query on a note that makes the reader think, "Okay, what happens next? I HAVE to know." Brent Taylorhttp://www.twitter.com/naughtybrentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-51797440723117764212016-03-16T16:54:47.168-06:002016-03-16T16:54:47.168-06:00Your query read very smoothly, but it was a little...Your query read very smoothly, but it was a little long. Still I loved the concept. I also like your writing in the first 250, but my only beef was that it sounded like you were trying to hard to copy the tone from HP #1 and that the flashbacks of rollerblade dreaming made it hard to invest myself in the story. Start with the actual scene. Why was her mom there? What problems did that cause?<br />Very strong entry! Good luck!Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17789434379917863100noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-66809941168637596262016-03-16T11:02:46.559-06:002016-03-16T11:02:46.559-06:00Cool premise!
Tiffany's quest to repair the b...Cool premise!<br /><br />Tiffany's quest to repair the broken staff strikes me as the primary thing at stake, at least for the purpose of the query (no doubt it's all important to the manuscript as a whole). The final paragraph of the pitch ("As the children--and Mr. Cargon--unexpectedly find themselves...") feel to me like it gets away from this central conflict a little. I wonder whether eliminating Mr. Cargon from the query might allow the central idea to shine through with more clarity?<br /><br />Good luck with this one!N.H.G.noreply@blogger.com