tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4813232855279256152..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #12Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-421009057728037982013-11-11T09:16:40.672-07:002013-11-11T09:16:40.672-07:00What a great opening line for your query. Love it!...What a great opening line for your query. Love it! Pulled me right in :)<br /><br />I do wonder from your query about the ages of Andonel and Lena. Are they teens? The banishment, and dealings with the counsel, suggest an adult character, to me. <br /><br />I think you can unpack the initial inadvertent banishment a bit, as it's the inciting event of the story. What exactly *happened* here? WIthout this information, Andonel and Lena's motivations aren't entirely clear (e.g., why does Lena think Andonel deserves her vengeance? Why isn't he able to convince her otherwise?). It's easy to go into too much detail in a synopsis, but I'd like a bit more here, to better understand the events of the story.<br /><br />-JJohn C.http://greenhouseliterary.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-91657269207115449112013-11-06T14:06:36.636-07:002013-11-06T14:06:36.636-07:00Great first page -- I know immediately what kind o...Great first page -- I know immediately what kind of world I am in. You did a great job embedding character description in this line: "Her dark traveling attire, bulging knapsack, and five-foot frame let Lena blend in with the unusually large crowd."<br /><br />I agree with Kim about your query. It's a bit confusing. Could you focus your descriptive paragraph on Lena's POV?Author Amokhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13636391982938592789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-64495629650708127332013-11-06T12:31:35.502-07:002013-11-06T12:31:35.502-07:00Hi R.C.,
Looks like a fun story with the potentia...Hi R.C.,<br /><br />Looks like a fun story with the potential for lots of action (involving swords and hearts!)<br /><br />If you insert something in the first sentence to let us know that your book takes place in an old timey kings court, then the "of course" comment about swordplay will be right on the money. In your query I'm having trouble understanding how a king can inadvertently banish someone yet propose marriage when she shows up, certain she's going to die. I'm getting the feeling that he's a pawn of the Council, and if so I'll need a good reason why he allows this or doesn't know about it before I can empathize with him.<br /><br />The second treason charge doesn't strike me as significant in and of itself. One treason should be enough to warrant her death. What about the second charge adds to her problems?<br /><br />Why is the king referred to as Andonel in the query and Andon in your first 250 words?<br /><br />I like the merchants yelling about their wares in your first 250 words, but I'd rather meet your Lady in her banishment first, so I can see what type of circumstances she escapes from and why she's compelled to return. Although a colorful intro, I'm not seeing or identifying with her as she's introduced.<br /><br />You have a nice flair for the dramatic. My comments are more about clarification than anything.<br /><br />Kim Van Sicklerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04957877837203134260noreply@blogger.com