tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4759451835232520774..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #17Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-46043234378576862942011-10-23T20:40:47.373-06:002011-10-23T20:40:47.373-06:00I love the idea of a globe-trotting YA thriller, b...I love the idea of a globe-trotting YA thriller, but I don't know if this is it, at least for me. What's up with Avery's "newfound family"? What happened to her old one? Are they actually related to her, or just using her? How does the secret society that wants to use her as a pawn relate to the ancient mystery threatening her life?<br /><br />And then there's a love triangle -- or at least two boys that the MC has to "choose between." Since you haven't told me anything about them, except that they were sent to kidnap her, I have to wonder if she's not feeling a little Stockholm Syndrome.<br /><br />I just don't know.<br /><br />Reading on to the sample to see if it tells me more about the thriller aspects I'm interested in, it feels like another generic contemporary YA. I'm not saying it needs to start off with anyone dangling from the roof of the Louvre, but two girls talking about a crush at a coffee shop? It's been done to death.<br /><br />Sorry!Kate Schafer Testermanhttp://ktliterary.com/daphnenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-1386517956787344162011-10-21T11:51:57.307-06:002011-10-21T11:51:57.307-06:00I'm with Leigh Ann! This book rocked, it total...I'm with Leigh Ann! This book rocked, it totally deserves a request. Good luck, Maggie!Seabrookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09400079400485962650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-33942452300452165902011-10-20T13:38:08.883-06:002011-10-20T13:38:08.883-06:00I think I may have created the next paranormal sen...I think I may have created the next paranormal sensation...a boy who can shoot diamonds out his butt. lol<br /><br />Seriously, though, the hook and writing are both really strong.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13380826220166366026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-84423088122378376692011-10-19T19:39:04.546-06:002011-10-19T19:39:04.546-06:00Go go go! Go Maggie Go!
(Trusty CP, just here to ...Go go go! Go Maggie Go!<br /><br />(Trusty CP, just here to cheerlead...this book is INCREDIBLE!)Leigh Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15827971896088856057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-69921154812432962962011-10-19T17:51:10.136-06:002011-10-19T17:51:10.136-06:00The query sounds super intriguing, but there were ...The query sounds super intriguing, but there were a few parts that threw me. What exactly does the ancient mystery refer to? The two boys that were sent to kidnap her - why didn't they? What stopped them? Why is there two of them?<br /><br />I liked the opening page and had no problems with Jack's hair. When you're crushing, you tend to notice everything about that person. I do, anyway! :) The only thing that made me pause was 'a shiver ran down my spine.' In my opinion, that's teetering on the edge of the Cliffs of Cliche.<br /><br />Those were all nit-picky things, but I really do like this! Best of luck to you!Lindsey R. Louckshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16905479544791130030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-2302135071450824012011-10-19T17:15:05.587-06:002011-10-19T17:15:05.587-06:00Thanks for the comments, everyone!
So... Jack'...Thanks for the comments, everyone! <br />So... Jack's hair seems to be taking over the first page. Since the book is not actually about Jack's hair, that sentence might need to change. :) Thanks!<br /><br />Cassie Mae--Thanks, I will work on vagueness at the end of the query.<br /><br />Karen--He can totally do that! How did you know? (No, not really. :) But it is hilarious!)<br /><br />Vicki--Thanks. I will try to clarify the "it."<br /><br />Rachel--Thanks, I'll see if I can make that sentence more clear!<br /><br />Ginger, PAT, Melodie--Thanks for the comments!Maggie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17378337707268580252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-74863208295783890212011-10-19T16:49:57.544-06:002011-10-19T16:49:57.544-06:00Ooh, this sounds like a fun read. And I agree with...Ooh, this sounds like a fun read. And I agree with the other posters on your excerpt. The wavy hair kinda threw me, but I think it's more bc this is a 250-word excerpt rather than you need to change it. <br />Good luck!Melodie Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04599091593083976703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-69502159732823703362011-10-19T16:02:31.818-06:002011-10-19T16:02:31.818-06:00Sounds interesting, I see some potential.Sounds interesting, I see some potential.PAThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16819497023976534570noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-63192588647491315912011-10-19T14:41:34.096-06:002011-10-19T14:41:34.096-06:00Both your query and your page are very strong. One...Both your query and your page are very strong. One super nitpicky thing that I got hung up on: "they need Avery as a pawn--or want her dead." I can't figure out if you mean if they can't have her as their pawn, then they want her dead so no one can have her, or if you mean either they want her as their pawn or they want her dead, and she can't figure out which one they want. <br /><br />I actually liked the hair description, particularly "made wavy by the storm." Guess you could tighten it up a bit but it didn't bother me.Rachel Searleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413906883952940334noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-15570942338743451822011-10-19T11:21:06.792-06:002011-10-19T11:21:06.792-06:00From the query, this is definitely a story I'd...From the query, this is definitely a story I'd want to read!<br /><br />In the excerpt, I had a small issue in the 2nd paragraph when she says "And it is not. He-" What does "it" refer to? Her dialogue didn't make sense to me based on what Lara said. It's a tiny, picky thing, but also easily fixed.<br /><br />And I agree with the others about the description of Jack's hair. It really changed the tone.<br /><br />Good luck!Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-34324384011871575412011-10-19T10:45:01.459-06:002011-10-19T10:45:01.459-06:00Your query rocks. Fun bio.
Your first page hooked...Your query rocks. Fun bio.<br /><br />Your first page hooked me. I'd definitely keep reading. By the last paragraph, I'm expecting the infamous Jack Basil to shoot diamonds out his butt or something, so you might consider toning down that last descriptive paragraph just a tiny bit.<br /><br />Great job, though!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13380826220166366026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-27770793699097877262011-10-19T10:13:28.460-06:002011-10-19T10:13:28.460-06:00Your query sounds really intriguing and I like tha...Your query sounds really intriguing and I like that it gets to the point right away. A short intro, and then bam, this is what happens! Although it is a little vague at the end (not your bio, but the story).<br /><br />I like your first page too. But the last paragraph/sentence feels a little awkward to me. I know you're trying to describe his hair, but it sounds a little weird. Maybe try rewording?<br /><br />I'd like to keep reading on, which is good because you hooked me. :)Cassie Maehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17706774393186819619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-38029780435604683672011-10-19T09:31:01.782-06:002011-10-19T09:31:01.782-06:00Makes we want to read more.Makes we want to read more.Mint Juleps 'n Muddin'https://www.blogger.com/profile/13157507958836175916noreply@blogger.com