tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4687457742882743209..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #6Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-6801654103033382412017-03-26T13:02:47.606-06:002017-03-26T13:02:47.606-06:00Thank you so much for all of your comments! I have...Thank you so much for all of your comments! I have already taken them and updated my query and the opening. I appreciate everyone taking the time to read and provide feedback. Thank you!Jennifer K.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-85509830722942576162017-03-23T05:35:35.633-06:002017-03-23T05:35:35.633-06:00This is a great first paragraph! Well written and ...This is a great first paragraph! Well written and I'm absolutely drawn in an intrigued! Great concept! I would remove the last sentence: "Daphne decides this is best for both her and her baby and stays." - because it's unclear to me if she even really has a choice to stay or not to stay...she just drank a magic potion and ended up in the future, no?<br /><br />I think in the next paragraph before you tell us "despite the rules against relationships" - we need to know more about the home - that there are rules - and that there are men there! if it's a home for pregnant women - then what is a computer programmer doing there? And who is her caretaker? The person who runs the home? And how is it that Alan gave up a baby for adoption? Isn't he male? Did he give birth? If not, then who was the girl who had his baby?<br /><br />The next sentence is unclear to me too "giving up her child and a chance at true love" - why does one necessarily mean she must give up the other?<br /><br />But having said all that, I'm super intrigued by the concept and would definitely read on.<br /><br />The text: <br /><br />I like your first sentence, but from your query I was expecting the book to start in 1497 - so I found it jarring that she has knowledge of what happened to her and where she ended up. I'm not sure this is the right place to start this book. A lot of the fun of time travel novels is when the main character ends up in another time and as readers we enjoy seeing how they lived before and their sense of confusion at being displaced - how different things are in the time they travel to.<br /><br />I read to the end of the selection here and I definitely think I would prefer to see this set in 1497 - I want to be with the character as she experiences what happens to her and first I want to experience first-hand what her life was like in her original time period. <br /><br />I might read on just to see if this is some kind of prologue, but the voice doesn't feel right here - I was expecting something else.The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-5523586953951533562017-03-22T18:29:01.102-06:002017-03-22T18:29:01.102-06:00This is a fantastic, unique premise. I love it to ...This is a fantastic, unique premise. I love it to death. It is such a cool idea.<br /><br />Paragraph 2 isn't as appealing to me. It seems really hypocritical of her to feel betrayed by him doing the same exact thing that she is planning to do.<br /><br />The voice in the story strikes me as really modern and unauthetic. I also feel like you could have a more interesting hook. I get why you want to do it--putting the time travel thing right up front--but I feel like there must be a better way to do it. There's not much tension or promise of conflict, and she seems to be fine and happy in nine months, so why should the previous trials matter? I'd rather get to know the character in dire straits--like her landlord about to kick her out, or her being fired for being pregnant or something.Unrepentant Escapisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14084297041989860942noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65323830677325983022017-03-22T18:19:56.501-06:002017-03-22T18:19:56.501-06:00I agree with the first reviewer. Very interesting ...I agree with the first reviewer. Very interesting concept. Beginning of the query pulls you in (could be cleaned up a little), but then rambles. Also, you pull in Alan but then you give away a key plot point that she breaks up with him. I would not include that. And is Alan from the same time period or from another time? Not clear on that. This could be a very interesting set up with women there to have their babies, but from all different time periods. Also the how and why such a place exists. <br /><br />Same with the sample. I also wonder if the genre is not quite WF - because there is this supernatural/fantasy/time travel element to it. Not sure what genre to throw it in. She is 24, which could fall under NA (new adult), not quite YA. Also, be sure to really research the time period she is from (you may have already done this) because the paragraph at the end where she talks about her former life seems too modern to me. Sure, she's living now in the present day, but her way upbringing is 15th century. It's a careful blend of speaking/acting/thinking the way she has known (15th century) and of her new way of thinking/acting (21st century). Jean M. Granthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12495227043618994354noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-40926095981212002472017-03-22T13:20:14.496-06:002017-03-22T13:20:14.496-06:00VERY interesting concept!! Your query was well wr...VERY interesting concept!! Your query was well written at the beginning but the consequences sort of fizzled out. Give it a little more fire in the "or else" statement.<br /><br />Here is an alternative suggestion for the second sentence in the second paragraph:<br /><br />They continue to secretly enjoy the relationship until Alan confesses he had given up a baby for adoption. Daphne feels betrayed and ends it.<br /><br />Good luck -- this is really cool!<br /><br />DD #26Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13570528293591804897noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-89766288230378170092017-03-22T09:59:54.603-06:002017-03-22T09:59:54.603-06:00This isn't the genre I read in, but it actuall...This isn't the genre I read in, but it actually caught my eye. I love the concept. The idea of a Crossroads Pregnancy House? Very original. I did find the query wandered a bit in the second part though. I found the same on the 250 words. The first half really engaged me, but then it began to get a little wandering. This is totally subjective though, as it's not the genre I read in. But I thought this sounded really interesting and fun!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com