tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4381164675790877814..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #15Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-5516583545725038542017-03-26T00:17:23.387-06:002017-03-26T00:17:23.387-06:00Your setup and first paragraph are great - I'm...Your setup and first paragraph are great - I'm intrigued, though I would like to know your genre and the age of your character from the outset - I'm guessing YA, but I'm not sure.<br /><br />Wow your second paragraph really takes this book in a different direction - I was sure this book was YA contemporary. I would find a way to make it clear from earlier on that this is a fantasy book.<br /><br />In paragraph four we find out that she's in Sebastian's bed, so now I'm guessing maybe this isn't YA...but it really read like one in this query up until now.<br /><br />At the end I now realize that this is Urban Fantasy and and adult novel - that's why it's important to make these things clear earlier. I was a bit confused by the whole "clans" thing - I didn't understand what they were - Vikings? And if so, how does this jibe with the very contemporary way you start the query? But since so much of UF relates to great voice, I'll read on to see if the writing blows me away.<br /><br />The Text:<br /><br />I'm not sure I would start with the sentence you use - I think I'd rather have you start with "Ella swayed..." and move your first sentence to after your first paragraph.<br /><br />I'm intrigued by the idea of someone creating paintings she has no memories of - or paintings of some kind of Viking/clansmen which is where I feel like you're going with this, but the writing doesn't feel "voicey" enough for me to necessarily read on.<br /><br />Phrases like "as if it were a deadly snake she'd picked up by accident" I would cut, they distract from the immediacy of the narrative because as readers we try to picture the paintbrush looking like a snake, rather than focusing on the action and immediacy of the moment which is actually more important here.The Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-30163366854829129762017-03-23T12:17:09.479-06:002017-03-23T12:17:09.479-06:00I love the premise. But I also agree with the othe...I love the premise. But I also agree with the others to tighten and condense. Use of passive, too, dilutes your prose. Example: "The background was a cacophony of jagged red and black." => "Jagged reds and black pitch slashed through the background." or similar.<br /><br />Perhaps to create a stronger beginning, rearrange some sentences. The action of hurling away the paintbrush as she stared at the malevolent being splashed across the canvas could have greater impact at the beginning. Then go into the being's description and her wondering how she even arrived at the studio.<br /><br />Excellent material to work with. You are getting close. All the best.Perrin Birkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17603195927599662246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-65300831120986982182017-03-22T21:50:31.811-06:002017-03-22T21:50:31.811-06:00I agree with what the other two said, but I also w...I agree with what the other two said, but I also want to say that I loved the 250 words! I'd say it needs some light editing (don't use exclamation points unless you absolutely need them, minor repetition, opening lines are a bit confusing), but overall it was great!<br /><br />As far as your query, I like it too, but it can be condensed. I'd also suggest cutting the specific terms like "storm rider" because I don't know what it is w/out reading the book. And in the final paragraph you bring up the painting (that we see in the opener), but the reader hasn't been introduced to it yet in the query...if that makes sense haha.<br /><br />Hopefully that helps! Good luck, you're really close!Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16529767708330742025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7049646091690368822017-03-22T19:49:54.175-06:002017-03-22T19:49:54.175-06:00I like this idea a lot. My main suggestion would b...I like this idea a lot. My main suggestion would be to condense. Your query is a bit long. For example, you don't need, "She can do this" in the first para. You can skip that altogether because the next sentence tells us exactly the predicament. Same thing for paras 3 & 4. I think you can combine these and make it more succinct. Final suggestion on query is that I'd be a tad more specific on what she has to do to save herself and how she's exactly being used as a pawn so we understand the conflict.<br /><br />I like the writing in the sample. You can shorten here and there. She can hurl the brush or hurl the brush away, you don't need from her. I did feel the beginning dragged a bit. You say she has no idea how she painted the image in front of her, but then right below you say it again. I'd see if you can pick up the pace a bit in this first page. <br /><br />Overall though, this sounds real interesting. Good luck!Kim Longhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11049789852190211896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-7068234579765638662017-03-22T15:01:11.439-06:002017-03-22T15:01:11.439-06:00Thank you for your feedback, very appreciated!Thank you for your feedback, very appreciated!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03672420897748374258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-57389024531334802012017-03-22T13:15:48.612-06:002017-03-22T13:15:48.612-06:00Query - Para 1 good. I have a sense of who Ella is...Query - Para 1 good. I have a sense of who Ella is although I would recommend shortening it.<br /><br />Para 2 and 3 should be combined. I don't think you need the 'irony' sentence. It's clear enough she's anxious.<br /><br />Para 4 - leveling city blocks? Am not sure you need to add this to the query. if you absolutely want to, you have to preface it by saying she's discovering abilities which, if left untrained, may cause her to accidentally level city blocks. <br /><br />Para 5 - This should be high-impact. Then, she'd abducted by the rival clan and comes face-to-face with the monster she's seen in her nightmares. the one-eyed man she paints with her brush. STOP THERE.<br /><br />Excerpt - <br /><br />Sentences need to be trimmed and there are some copy editing issues. <br /><br />Ex - Opening sentence needs to be polished. It's too wordy. 'Malevolence leaped off the painting' will capture the essence of what you're trying to say, IMO.<br /><br />Ex 2 - 'paint' appears 3 times in one short para. Use synonyms, if you can. <br />JPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14646247012752195397noreply@blogger.com