tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4125504148886019042..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #4Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31520384225271478722014-02-21T13:01:41.962-07:002014-02-21T13:01:41.962-07:00Hi B.S.,
This feels like a very classic SciFi pre...Hi B.S.,<br /><br />This feels like a very classic SciFi premise to me - which is a good thing! But outside of the high-stakes plot, I'd like to get more of a sense of *who* Mandy and Thane are as characters. The only clue we have in the query is that Mandy is demanding, but really she doesn't seem that unreasonable - who wants to be left behind and doomed to die? (I'm also not sure how much of a grasp Mandy should have on that as a 6 year old?)<br /><br />Your opening is strong, though I see a bit of a tendency to tell Thane's grief rather than show it. Otherwise, well done!<br /><br />Best,<br />EmilyEmily Grefnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-52907324980769336522014-02-21T08:12:52.670-07:002014-02-21T08:12:52.670-07:00This is very strong.
I agree that there is no ne...This is very strong. <br /><br />I agree that there is no need to explain Mandy wants to see her mom, of course she would. I think it's enough to say that Thane wants to keep Mandy happy but he wants her to live. At the end of your first paragraph you say that Mandy wants more, and I think you could leave this out. I think it's enough to say he would move mountains for her. This shows how much he cares for her.<br /><br />I read to the end. No matter the small details, your query makes me care about your characters and your story.<br />M.T.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47139420105190495372014-02-21T07:02:48.360-07:002014-02-21T07:02:48.360-07:00The query letter did not get me excited for the bo...The query letter did not get me excited for the book. I feel like it needs to be a bit more concise, and I agree that it read a tad choppy. I was also bothered by the "wants more" in your hook. More...what? I'm left feeling a little disoriented by the sentence. I did love the line "I’ve never seen the end of the world, but I have experience raising little girls." I have a little girl, so that really resonates.<br /><br />I'm glad that I read your first 250. Your writing is clear and full of lovely visuals. I get a good sense of the father's conflict, and I'm left wanting more. Great job! Beth Adamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00913800395483900718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12891494460530406822014-02-19T21:11:44.563-07:002014-02-19T21:11:44.563-07:00I absolutely love this. I've read through ever...I absolutely love this. I've read through everyone of these entries and yours is the only one to strike a chord with me. I can feel the sorrow and how torn he is. Parents will do anything for their children and I would love to read how his struggle between survival and believing in his child plays out.<br /><br />I felt the query was a bit choppy. It didn't flow well for me, but it got more interesting as it went along and the first page really drew me in. Good luck!Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31219609104746540542014-02-19T20:48:45.166-07:002014-02-19T20:48:45.166-07:00You've intrigued me with the idea of a spacesh...You've intrigued me with the idea of a spaceship freezer. <br />I do agree with the comment above about 'wanting more' and not 'waiting to die', I think those are not quite right for a six year old.<br />While the query made me want to read more, the first 250 didn't catch my attention as it should. Could there be a place to start that might be better--maybe with the fridge: something either creepy, or fascinating showing us something odd or mysterious about it or what it means, or maybe start it when they get the notice that Mandy can't go on the ship.<br />Good luck!Rebecca Kagannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-60024203343522531802014-02-19T14:00:40.732-07:002014-02-19T14:00:40.732-07:00I like your opening, it is well written and pulls ...I like your opening, it is well written and pulls my interest with the little info you give about the absent Mom, so I already feel for your MC. And I already like Mandy because she helped her Dad clean. I love that you call Mom's ship Esperanza.<br /><br />Overall I felt the query did a good job of giving me the stakes. The only part I found off-putting was when you describe Mandy as not being content to die, or "wanting more". It doesn't sit right, because it seems like an unreasonable expectation. I think it will work better if you take that part out. We understand that a little girl might want to get to Mom, and we can sympathize with her around that. As written, she almost seems bratty for wanting it, which is probably not the intention.<br />Good luck!Merriam Saundersnoreply@blogger.com