tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post4024333355449086742..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #12Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-60456510896452810492017-04-18T08:15:10.356-06:002017-04-18T08:15:10.356-06:00Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my wor...Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my work and provide me with such excellent comments. I really appreciate the effort that everyone went into to give me feedback and criticism of this work.<br /><br />Thank you especially to Ms. Piraino in taking the time to read so many of these queries and provide clear and concise responses, specific to the works.<br /><br />Thanks so much to everyone!RobRoy McCandlesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07397516891800422514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-87956267412592944072017-04-17T22:06:29.135-06:002017-04-17T22:06:29.135-06:00R.M., thank you so much for entering the contest! ...R.M., thank you so much for entering the contest! The summary of your novel left a lot to be desired: I didn’t have a strong understanding of the world you were building, although the reference Cornwell was useful in regard to positioning your novel. Because I didn’t have a solid understanding of the history of the region and what Upinde would have considered normal, I couldn’t grasp the ramifications of him leaving Sa’mor and looking for aid to help prevent the invaders from taking control on a deeper level. In your sample material, you introduced a lot of new terms and facets FORGE OF HEROES, but they weren't described or introduced to your audience in a effective manner. Because these details were missing, it was hard to fully engage with the story and connect emotionally with your characters. However, with further development in your world building, this story would be much stronger. The Agent [GP]noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-47055054037311242692017-04-14T10:57:44.275-06:002017-04-14T10:57:44.275-06:00Hi!
In your query, I'd watch how many proper ...Hi!<br /><br />In your query, I'd watch how many proper pronouns you put out there. World-building's important (especially for a fantasy) but too many names can be confusing for the Agent. Also, right off the bat I noticed your genre / age category / word count are missing. Don't forge to include those! <br /><br />I feel the character himself isn't very clear in the query (give us some specifics into his character!) and I'm unclear on his specific goals / obstacles / stakes are clear. Try to clarify to take the query over the top!<br /><br />I'd make the sentence "A fire in the caverns to create so much smoke..." the opening line of your pages to create a great hook and create automatic tension in the scene. <br /><br />You create a very clear character in Upinde, great job! <br /><br />I know you're trying to build up an epic fantasy, but there's a lot of info-dumping in the beginning that took me out of the story. I would try to sneak it in through character development and action. There's a lot of build-up but not a lot of action in the beginning scene. I'd try to get to the action a lot sooner to keep the reader's attention.<br /><br />Great job, and best of luck in the contest!Ali L.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-26662256404714138302017-04-13T15:35:43.317-06:002017-04-13T15:35:43.317-06:00I love fantasy, so your entry is my cup of tea, fo...I love fantasy, so your entry is my cup of tea, for sure! I'll split my comments up:<br /><br />Query: <br />Your query is solid and piques interest, but suffers from vagueness. These phrases stood out: "from any aggression," "all be killed out of hand," "treachery will still strike at them," "events will conspire against them," "courage, conviction and quick wits," "taking up the challenge." <br /><br />If you swapped these phrases, which could apply to any book, out for things unique to your book, you'd give an agent a much better idea of what makes your manuscript the one they want to request. Your stakes are too vague at the moment - make the danger specific. Who is treacherous? Is it his best friend? Even better! What are the events conspiring against them? Give us a teaser! Does he have any unique skills above general warrior stuff? Display them! What will be his biggest challenge? Put the grabbiest, juiciest info out there!<br /><br />1250:<br />Ooh, drama and tension are there in the first paragraph, well done. Your writing is really excellent, great description. I will say that starting with the smoke and the conversation between the warriors doesn't give me a clear reason to root for any of them, particularly. There are stakes, but why do we want the main character to win? Why is he likeable? I'd say Pinna is a good chance to show something sympathetic about Upinde, something that makes us realize he's not just competent: he's good.<br /><br />All in all, very strong, and I enjoyed it. Best of luck!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16961776482652397201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-54869851290905410602017-04-13T14:35:33.838-06:002017-04-13T14:35:33.838-06:00QUERY:
Fantastic opening!! Very professional, ye...QUERY:<br /><br />Fantastic opening!! Very professional, yet personal at the same time. :D It's obvious you did your research. :) <br /><br />The pitch paragraphs are good, but kind of vague. I want specifics!! What does he believe that's called into question? What treachery strikes them? What exactly does he do, beyond using quick wits, to salvage the situation? Clarify this stuff, even if you have to add another paragraph, and this will be perfect!! <br /><br />An author bio would also be really nice at the end, even if it's just one sentence of your writing credentials (a conference you've attended, completing NaNo, publishing online, etc. Anything helps!). <br /><br />But overall, awesome job! Very professional. :D <br /><br />FIRST PAGES:<br /><br />I really love the action of Upinde and the fire, and how they creep towards it so cautiously!! But I would love to see more of Upinde's internal thought to make it more real. You're fantastic with description and anchoring us in a visual area, but I'm not getting much of Upinde's character from this. Some thoughts running through his mind would really help us understand who our MC is!! :D <br /><br />Ah, once Upinde does start thinking, BAM! I'm totally engrossed. He's trying so hard, and I love how his second refuses to take command even though she could. And I love Upinde even more for rising to the challenge! :D <br /><br />And WOW, love the ending of this. I'm sure it's not the ending of the chapter, but ooh, so great. The characters in this are incredibly vivid, and the way they interact is very realistic. I love the terrifying reality of their home destroyed, and how even Pinna calms down enough to recognize the fight isn't over. <br /><br />AWESOME job. This is a really solid sample of your writing!! Can't wait to see what happens with it! <3 Beckihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09315649277133242658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-9635001929278841592017-04-13T13:36:57.656-06:002017-04-13T13:36:57.656-06:00I think your query is on point - you clearly lay o...I think your query is on point - you clearly lay out the stakes for your MC and the consequences in a clear and concise manner. I also like your opening to the agent, very professional.<br /><br />Pages: I must admit, fantasy is not my genre of choice, so take this advice with a grain of salt. I don't really see a lot happening in your first 1250 words here, we get some introductions to what I assume are the primary players in your work, but I don't feel like we get to know any one of them more than the others. I feel like there should be more focus on Upinde and making us connect to him. But you manage to get some good world-building in, and I know how hard that can be in the first pages, so nicely done. I also would like to see a little more happen, but again I realize this is a very short space.Eric Warrenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09824920224981897855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-4027601292438850572017-04-12T14:17:58.072-06:002017-04-12T14:17:58.072-06:00Thank you Alan!Thank you Alan!RobRoy McCandlesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07397516891800422514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12280620152348704872017-04-12T13:30:37.256-06:002017-04-12T13:30:37.256-06:00I was impressed with both the query and the story....I was impressed with both the query and the story. A number of questions are raised in the opening paragraphs I want an answer to. Also, I feel a nice tension developing between the characters and suspense that something big is about to happen. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.com