tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post398093333890903597..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #11Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-12945841878882313502017-04-18T06:40:05.031-06:002017-04-18T06:40:05.031-06:00Thank you, everyone, for looking! Obviously, my qu...Thank you, everyone, for looking! Obviously, my query is way off the mark since the agent tied it to something totally unrelated and disengaged before dipping into it. Now I understand better how not to craft a query. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-36141649428271278422017-04-17T21:55:40.135-06:002017-04-17T21:55:40.135-06:00A.D., thank you so much for participating in the c...A.D., thank you so much for participating in the contest! Comedic sci-fi is an especially underserved sub-genre but also extremely difficult to do successfully. Kudos for taking on that hurdle!<br /><br />That being said, your title and concept too closely mimicked GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY and I immediately disengaged. Your development of another rag-tag, underdog team felt too similar for me to dip into your supplementary material in a meaningful way. Despite my concerns with the concept and plot, your writing was descriptive and applied to a different story, would certainly be something that I would happily take a look at. The Agent [GP]noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-78594018563628924402017-04-16T16:18:10.887-06:002017-04-16T16:18:10.887-06:00Thanks for great feedback. I’m happy I could make ... Thanks for great feedback. I’m happy I could make you laugh. ALI L. <br />I shall answer you directly. <br />Yes, it is third person omniscient, which is very useful if you want the narrator to be funny. I can’t make jokes like the DYEING TINTERS without an omniscient narrator. I admit I love the styles of Terry Pratchett and Douglas Addams so I challenged myself to try to imitate their use of this POV while maintaining my own unique voice.<br />The redshirt thing is a running gag among fans of Star Trek, and the goop got on his shoe earlier in the battle, but you can’t trust the narrator he’s biased and unreliable. He is so crass he even started a webpage to profit from the widows and orphans of the fallen redshirted heroes (RSWOF.com) <br />The smarty-pants vocabulary fits the narrator's view of the world. The appearance and decor of the ship are of foremost importance in his mind. (The interior decorators of the ship work alongside the custodians.)<br />One other point in response to earlier comments about the main character not appearing in the first 1250 words. It is intentional. Part of the reason is comedic timing, but mainly it’s to set up the disconnect between the officers and the custodians. How many times during a space battle do the arrogant officers worry about what it’s doing to the carpet? The narrator felt you needed to see this wonton disregard for the ship’s appearance so you would appreciate all the hard work that goes into maintaining a stylish décor! <br />On a starship, there are those that make the mess, and those that must clean it up. That disconnect is the reason for the creation of the THREE LAWS OF CUSTODIOTICS the janitors must abide by. You learn about this in chapter 2. Did I mention this is parody? <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-20719795495273922272017-04-16T11:15:21.146-06:002017-04-16T11:15:21.146-06:00Hi!
The opening sentence of your query made me la...Hi!<br /><br />The opening sentence of your query made me laugh haha nice! The entire voice of your query was a total home run, great job. However, there's a lot going on in the second paragraph. Maybe, instead of giving us a play-by-play, stick with the main conflict of the story and show us what's at stake for Kale / what will happen if he fails.<br /><br />Your bio is super impressive! And it's pertinent to the content of your story. <br /><br />Whoa. I have to admit, right off the bat I was intimidated by the use of big words in the first sentence of your query. For those of us unfamiliar with the layout of a space ship or outer-space stuff, I'd be careful with making that your opening sentence. Maybe start with, "The lifeless bodies of the battle's victims..." to start. :) <br /><br />You say the squid men stink, but describe the smell, along with the fluids if you can. Make us feel like we're in the space ship experiencing this horrific take-over with the crew! If the squid men's tentacles are 20 feet long, is it really realistic to expect the Coalition to be able to fire and hit them from such a great distance? Something I noticed. Also, if the barrier protected them, why would the first officer get mucus on his shoes? Wouldn't the barrier repel it? <br /><br />Overall, the set-up of the world itself and the progression of events was incredible! I loved it so much haha I want to keep reading. My only question: is this written in third person omniscient? If so, I'm intrigued! Seriously, you've done a fantastic job here. Ali L.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-63277418049933851202017-04-14T08:33:23.658-06:002017-04-14T08:33:23.658-06:00Wow! Thank you so much, everyone! These critiques ...Wow! Thank you so much, everyone! These critiques are immensely helpful. I have applied your suggestions and made a new shorter more concise query. <br />I need this level of feedback so much. I wish I had this input about the rest of the story Seriously, would any of you like to be a beta reader? www.draytonalan.com/contact <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14696451391715261224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-79307197808168610302017-04-13T15:48:06.215-06:002017-04-13T15:48:06.215-06:00So I had to read this. HAD TO. Your query is golde...So I had to read this. HAD TO. Your query is golden. Yeah, it does feel a bit long. I see the query as mainly pitching your concept, and you've done that by paragraph three, to be honest. I think paragraph four - your long one - could actually summarize a bit more and go into fewer details. <br /><br />1250:<br />AH THAT FIRST PARAGRAPH. Oh man. I LOVE when tropes are told from an unlikely point of view. I need more of it. <br /><br />I'm having a bit of tense confusion as you switch from 'had been' to 'was' to 'is'. Maybe consolidate more of the tenses so you don't switch quite as much. <br /><br />Also, this is a very distant point of view, a birds-eye view. I have such an interest in your janitor main character, I was a little disappointed not to be inside his head for the narrative.<br /><br />So very well done - I hope I can read it in print someday!<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16961776482652397201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-37436696664050716272017-04-13T14:14:47.860-06:002017-04-13T14:14:47.860-06:00QUERY:
Oh my lordie, your hook made me LAUGH. XD ...QUERY:<br /><br />Oh my lordie, your hook made me LAUGH. XD I'm seriously dying right now. <br /><br />I love the introduction paragraph, but I feel like it might drag a little. If you could take out the middle sentence, "oddball collection," I think it would flow faster and keep an agent engaged. Also, that's where we should hear the genre, word count, and title! :) <br /><br />I loved the into pitch paragraph; it was excellently worded and clearly states Kale's goals and expectations! But the second paragraph lost me... it has a LOT of info about things that seem to have no stake in achieving his actual goal, and some of the sentences are fragmented ("When a fellow custodian is kidnaped by a spacefaring race of amazons whose feeble men cannot handle the rigors of space travel. Kale rescues him by posing as a despotic space tyrant.") <br /><br />I love satire stories, and this one seems hilarious, but don't forget a story still needs to follow an MC (Kale) through various trials while he strives to reach his goal. You stated the trials, but not how they directly relate to Kale's quest. It almost seems as if Kale wound up on this spaceship, and events occur... Does the race of amazons give him a position on one of their starships? Does the Pirate King offer him a recommendation? To bring home the impact of the story, tie these events directly into Kale's quest. :D <br /><br />Your credentials are awesome! I was confused about the night janitor thing, since you mentioned you were a student, but also have decades of experience as a field engineer. Maybe clarify that decades ago, you acted as a janitor, and then moved into your appropriate field. :) Otherwise, there's no question you're qualified!! Awesome! <3 <br /><br />FIRST PAGES:<br /><br />The description in the first paragraph is great, but I almost think "It had been a terrific battle, as long as you consider “terrific” to imply both terrifying and horrific" would be a much better opening line. It's FANTASTIC!! What a hook. :D Maybe reorganize them to start with that, give us some context before leading into descriptions of the battle? <br /><br />Those squidmen sound terrifying. O.O Great job describing them; they're incredibly unique for aliens!! Yikes. Poor Kale. <br /><br />And LOL, the difference between the Warfians and the Tinters. Omg. Your humor is perfectly timed and so very clever. <3 This seriously was my favorite line. XD XD <br /><br />Overall, loved this sample! You're incredibly creative with spaceships and alien anatomy, and the humor of your writing is palpable!! Perfect for a satire story ala Douglas Adams. :D I will say that I think this sample would be stronger if you could incorporate Kale. We need to know who the MC is by 1200 words, I think. Otherwise we don't know who to root for. But that could easily be fixed by adding Kale watching the violence on a video feed, complaining about how yes, whoo, they survived, but OMFG LOOK AT THE MESS THEY MADE. :P Just a thought!<br /><br />Otherwise, holy moley, this is awesome. Nice job!! :D <br /><br />Beckihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09315649277133242658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-87000239644860024652017-04-13T13:06:58.736-06:002017-04-13T13:06:58.736-06:00This is hilarious! I enjoyed reading your pages a ...This is hilarious! I enjoyed reading your pages a little too much :) Would've definitely kept on reading if there was more to read. I will never look at seafood the same way again. I don't have much to contribute to your pages, but I feel your QL would be much stronger if you removed the first 2 paragraphs and started with Kale Butterly... (and now I'm craving kale chips) The first 2 paragraphs read like a prologue, which you don't really need in your query. Yes, they are witty and funny, but your query works just fine without them. Best of luck to you! Well done!Geahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10494154117037032337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-60381148078865045982017-04-13T12:09:20.026-06:002017-04-13T12:09:20.026-06:00I love, love, love your query letter. It drew me ...I love, love, love your query letter. It drew me immediately, and I had no trouble reading it all the way to the end. The only critique I can offer is that it feels a little long. I think you could tighten it up, lose some of the specifics, and you would have a stronger letter than you already have—and it’s a very strong letter right now.<br /><br />I see where you’re going with the first paragraph, but it doesn’t grab me. The underlying concern of your protagonist would certainly center on damage and stains, which makes a great deal of sense, but this would be stronger if you started with one of the later paragraphs as a semi-unreliable narrator. Let the focus be on the desperate battle, with a few clues as to the actual concern of clean up. Your “The aliens fired another barrage . . .” or “The battle had been disastrous . . .” are both stronger first lines, which really hooked me.<br /><br />I’m not certain about the use of “humans” throughout. The first mention is fine, but the default of your readers is likely going to be that the protagonist’s side are human, so this description isn’t necessary. Any of the characters who are non-human, like Nord, can be handled similarly to the introduction you provided for him.<br /><br />You have some very clever lines in here. I especially laughed at the “Tinters” explanation about “dyeing in battle”. Funny!<br /><br />Frakes and Warfian are fun character names. I assume you’re making allusions to “Star Trek” here, and that’s great. Your audience will most likely be scifi knowledgeable, and these little jokes will help sell the work.RobRoy McCandlesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07397516891800422514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-77455949305753663962017-04-12T13:51:00.300-06:002017-04-12T13:51:00.300-06:00Some of the Best science fiction I've read yet...Some of the Best science fiction I've read yet. A perfect blend of comedy and Sci-Fi.Nathan Stockbridgenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-44048309527057907932017-04-12T13:19:27.110-06:002017-04-12T13:19:27.110-06:00Okay, GREAT concept. My only suggestion would be t...Okay, GREAT concept. My only suggestion would be to cut the second paragraph and jump straight to Kale.L.A.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-8819236000451429502017-04-12T11:59:14.793-06:002017-04-12T11:59:14.793-06:00I love, love, LOVE this idea. It's about time ...I love, love, LOVE this idea. It's about time that the janitors got their own sci-fi adventure! I also love how the pages kept referencing how hard alien slime is to clean off of starship carpets.<br /><br />With your query, I'd recommend cutting the first two paragraphs of the pitch and jumping straight to Kale. Nearly always, the best way to begin a query is with the main character. I would also recommend cutting the thing about the race of Amazons -- introducing a new conflict in the last couple of sentences just gets a little confusing. I do love the rest of the query, though -- it's like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy crossed with Star Trek. But, you know, with janitors.Ellie Blackwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06835223000117374524noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-16657558115185096722017-04-12T09:13:19.752-06:002017-04-12T09:13:19.752-06:00You know, I really didn't want to like this. B...You know, I really didn't want to like this. But I did. :) I'm a sucker for science fiction and for comedy, and I love the premise you've given for your story. I don't recall anyone having done a treatment of intergalactic spaceship janitors, let alone one that plays around with some of our favorite genre concepts. I noticed a few things that can be cleaned up with further editing, such as some comma splices and such, but I loved it and wish you the best of luck! :)Jefferyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05450881456117163075noreply@blogger.com