tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post3957203543686473418..comments2024-02-27T03:36:20.256-07:00Comments on Krista Van Dolzer: An Agent's Inbox #10Krista Van Dolzerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-38748889718745999472013-11-07T07:07:59.776-07:002013-11-07T07:07:59.776-07:00Your concept is so fun. I can imagine how vibrant ...Your concept is so fun. I can imagine how vibrant and funny the pictures could be with this. <br /><br />The query is a little too formal, I think. I understand you want to be professional, but it should also have the same feel as your writing. Maybe when you describe the book, add in a little more humor or description of Wallace to show a taste of what's to come in the book. Also, the first paragraph feels too long. You want to get to the book description quicker (that's what's going to entice the agent to read more) and the personalization doesn't stand out enough to me to be warranted (i.e., you could say that to almost any agent). I would start with paragraph two, add in a little more, and then condense paragraph 3 to take out some of the flowy language. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-31399498755867987582013-11-06T16:54:20.196-07:002013-11-06T16:54:20.196-07:00My favorite line in your 250 words is: "'...My favorite line in your 250 words is: "'They don't even try to blend in,' said Milo the chameleon."<br /><br />I think paragraph two of your query is strong. Would you consider opening with that?Author Amokhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13636391982938592789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-66121519761441427432013-11-06T13:24:26.633-07:002013-11-06T13:24:26.633-07:00I like the idea of a zoo-animal's point of vie...I like the idea of a zoo-animal's point of view on human behavior, but to me this concept feels a bit vague. Why are all the animals interested in helping the humans? It may seem like a picky question, but I wanted that choice to be motivated. I keep wondering how long they've been trying to help humans, and at what point they'd just give up-- what impact does their training have, in their eyes?<br /><br />I think the way in which the humans need correcting might be a bit more precise. Do the animals find the humans rude/crude? Or just peculiar?<br /><br />Perhaps the idea is just too diffuse. Would the story be stronger if a single character (say the owl or some other animal) was interested in correcting human behavior? That way you could draw a clear line between how *that* particular animal socializes and the ways this behavior is different from humans'. <br /><br />-JJohn C.http://greenhouseliterary.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4250988928163509961.post-21615224019236597422013-11-06T12:59:34.292-07:002013-11-06T12:59:34.292-07:00Very cute concept. My two cents: the first two sen...Very cute concept. My two cents: the first two sentences of your query are not necessary, because they should apply to any agent you query. They're stating the obvious. There are opportunities to tighten your query, eliminate extraneous words, but on the whole it's easy to read and conveys the information you want. <br /><br />I enjoy how the animals are confused by the activity we humans parrot back to them at the zoo. I think kids will love this! I do think some of the words can be simplified to be more kid-friendly. Like pledge instead of mission (This word is probably more familiar from the pledge of allegiance?) Other examples: evaluate and enclosure.<br /><br />Great potential here. Kids will be tickled at the message and get to see lots of their favorite zoo animals in the process. Good job!Kim Van Sicklerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04957877837203134260noreply@blogger.com